It has been said “the lover you
fall in love with and the lover you break up with are two different people”. I
never really gave a thought to this idea until it happened to me, to one of my friends,
to my sister and to my cousins. Somehow we all fell in to the trap of people
who wore the skin of a sheep but in the inside they were wild dogs. They would come to us pretending they had our
best interest at hearts, sometimes shed crocodile tears that would make us feel worthless
and bad lovers but they were just using our weaknesses to get what they really
wanted. They didn't care if we were alive or we were dead, they didn't love us
neither did they have any respect for our feelings. They were selfish and self centered.
There are two ways to be fooled:
one is to believe what isn't true and the other one is not to believe what is
true. I guess somehow we were fooled in both ways though I like to think I was
blinded by the love I had for him. I know you are wondering what I am talking
about, well am just thinking loudly about this guy I broke up with many years
ago after I found out he was a liar, a fake and a Kisheshere/Kadinya (that is how we call people who sleep around
where I come from :) pun not intended). I had not thought of this painful moment for a really
long time until I bumped in to my friend Derrick (not his real name) in a club
yesterday, drinking the night away. I had never seen him alone and in a club ever
since he got engaged... he was always with his beautiful fiancee Deborah. After greetings I asked him where Deborah was. He looked at me and said “how could I be so blind? How couldn't I see all these
before while it was just in front of me?? How did I become so blind to the
obvious...” I didn't understand what he meant so I suggested we go somewhere less
noisy so that he could tell me what he means by all these and he agreed.
Cafe la aziz -that was our
spot. I don’t know why he chose the spot; perhaps its because that is
where he met Deborah for the first time. After we made ourselves comfortable he
looked at me and said. “ this is where it all began, I saw Deborah in this cafe
for the first time... three years ago, from the moment I saw her I knew there
was something special about her, I didn't approach her then until three weeks
later when we met in a conference. She was as beautiful as I saw her the first
time but this time there was something more about her, I think it was her brains;
she was one of the key speakers in the conference I was attending to. How she
made her presentation, it was just perfect. After the conference I introduced myself
to her, asked her if we could go through my presentation that I was to make the
next day, she agreed. Well it is not like I really needed her help, I just
wanted to spend time with her, know her better and may be to make her like me.
There is a strange thing about my
heart desires; my heart never knows what it desires until it turns up. After
spending that evening with Deborah I knew she was what my heart had desired for
a very long time. I was not looking for her and yet she was the one. After just
one month we were lovers... I should have questioned my self about that but didn't because I was too desperate to satisfy my heart desires. I became so blind
to so many things, like how I would call her at night and she would never pick
up only to tell me she was fast asleep, and then there are those night I would
call and someone from the other side would pick up but not speak, not forgetting
the strange calls that I would get from guys asking me who I was to Deborah. I
ignored them, now that I think about it I feel so stupid. She knew my weaknesses
and used them to bring me to my knees every time I was close to the truth.
I know you are wondering what am
talking about, well truth be said, Deborah is a whore; she has been
sleeping around with men. Not just men but married men, she does that for
money. She screwed her bosses all the way to the top position.” At this point my
mouth had dropped to the floor. Then he continued “ I gave Deborah everything I
had, I even gave her my credits cards to use as she pleased, I bought her the
most expensive clothes, gave her a house, treated her like a queen, loved her
in a way I don’t think will be possible to love someone else and she still
cheated on me, on us.
Dear diary, everyday of our life
is made of moments and choices. There are moments that do not matter or have
any lasting impacts. But there are those moments that once they happen things are
irrevocable changed and we begin to regret the choices that brought us to such
moments. These moments will play endlessly in our minds on those lonely nights
and empty days. Sometimes one can try to find a small sign to justify our
failure to make better choices hopping the pain will subside somehow. It is so
painful when you give your all to someone and they are there just to use you.
One
thing I know for sure is, the damage done by a cheating partner is permanent;
there will always be those scars that remind you of his/ her unfaithfulness. Even though these scars may fade over time, there will always be a part of your mind that will remind you of how painful it had been. May be it is because even though we feel as if this pain came from our partner's betrayal, it actually came from inside us for our failure to see their true colors Let me end here today..i will
see u when you see me.
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