A popular saying has it that if you
want to know a man’s character, give him power! While there are many
interpretations as to what the saying truly means, the gist of the matter is
that there is some element of truth in it. Many are the times when we seek for
wealth, a good life, own big mansions, drive fancy cars, drink the most
expensive of wines and to many a man, have lots of women at our disposal. Quite
frankly, I find the aforementioned quite okay by every means.
Deep down, I have my own twisted
fantasies, skewed to suit my own outlook of the surreal world so to speak. I find
it quite rewarding to live the dream, to love, to be loved, to be desired, to
belong, to put a smile on someone’s face, to conquer, to achieve, to become a
pioneer of something breath taking, to change a life, to be a blessing, to be
the kind of lover some woman somewhere with a big heart would want me to, to be
forgiving, to be meek, to be wise, to lead by example, to be a benchmark of
sorts to people of my age and those looking up to me, to leave a mark…………..and
so on and so forth!
Of late, I have been mulling over the
above and honestly asking myself hard questions. Sometimes I look at the man in
the mirror and wonder if all the sacrifices I make, all the hard work I do is
the reflection of what I wanted to be a few years back. I have more than once
been labeled as un-ambitious, a loner, self seeker, intelligent, smooth
operator, strange, proud and all manner of adjectives a person out to paint a
grim or amazing picture would. I say grim because some of the accusations or
rather opinions are blatantly misplaced. I also say amazing because I find some
of them quite flattering. Dear diary, I have
never been the kind of person to attach a lot of importance on the personal
opinions of others.
In truth, am quite unfazed by them. I take
pleasure in doing something that is rewarding to me. Don’t get me wrong, am
twisted in my own way, I make mistakes, make bad judgments, am not empathetic
when am expected to and I suck on many a things. That put aside dear diary, I have
been dying to pent up my deep rooted emotions. I find myself at crossroads, not
knowing what to do or not to. On the outside, things seem to be fine; I look
happy, am that guy people would want to be. I enjoy the trappings that come
with being what I am and doing quite fine by all means. However, deep down, am
a walking disaster of a man under siege.
My love life is very much okay by all
means. I feel honored to share great moments with a woman of great character, a
big heart, a philanthropist, a sweetheart, an angel and without a doubt a woman
after my own heart. I can’t remember a time I was so happy, so contented with
life, so full of promise and so looking forward to the next day. It has come a
point in my life where am shaken by the very thought that I might be gone away
from her for a considerable amount of time. Some say love is nonexistent, that it’s
a fabrication of the mind, a temporary form of madness, an addiction of sorts ……and
so on and so forth. Am not surreal, I understand the magnitude, the feeling,
the experience and the joy of love. By every means, it’s something I want to be
associated with for the rest of my life.
I want to feel belonged, to feel loved,
to have a reason to smile, to be happy in every way. But how do I achieve this
when far from the object of my desire? How do I reconcile my career and
development with my deep love for the woman I so care about? How do I live
knowing that am doomed for the rest of my life if I don’t have her? Dear diary.....
Am a man under siege, shaken to the core by the very realization that time is
not on my side and regretting the fact that we had all the time but never took
initiative. Am a battered man, deeply in love but also seriously worried. In the
eyes of many, I do not seem to care. The truth of the matter is that no one can
ever understand! Am I a slave of my own happiness? Achievements? I keep
wondering what can be so unfortunate! I rest my case!
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