A tale of a stranger

Dear Diary,

It’s strange, how it all happens. It starts so strangely and ends in a way you will never see it coming. One day you meet this special person and for some reasons you can’t explain you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else you have ever met in your life.  It feels like you have known this person  all your life, perhaps this person carries with them an angel, one that was sent to deliver a message to you, to keep you from trouble or help you through a difficult time. You don’t really understand why they came to you or why at that particular time but you know what you must do is to trust them with all your heart, even if they come hand in hand with pain and suffering; you believe the reason for their presence will become clear in due time and even though you smell the danger of being close to them, you grow to love this person against all odds.

Then one day, the halo in this person is lifted and the angel within them leaves their body, you look at them and you can hardly recognize them. Suddenly everything they do does not make sense to you anymore. You try so hard to hold on to the good memories, to the person they used to be and all the good times that you have had but it is just not enough, days go by and still you cannot find the sign of what you used to be. Part of you thinks it is just a storm and it is going to pass and be forgotten but there is a part of you that reminds you that they were not yours to keep anyway. That their purpose was not to save you but to show you how to save yourself and once their mission was complete they were to leave.

So the stranger lives you world in a way you never thought it could happen to you. they disappear like the darkness in front of the light, you have no way of reaching to them, you call but no one can hear your voice, it’s like you have been buried deep already, you text, email but no one replies to your texts or email. And it hit you, you are alone and for the first time you feel abandoned, lonely and desperate for something but you are not sure what it is. You realize you have been left by someone you loved drowning in their desertion. And then you realize you didn’t belong with them from the very start but again you didn’t belong anywhere else either. You had no place, no home, sex or real affection.  You were kept but not cherished; you had lived with more scars than your skin all your life. You met him when you had given up on love and thought he was your salvation, little did you know he was going to add more scars to you.

Even after all this you still miss him, you miss him more often than not and you know what the worst part it?? Is that is just catches you completely by surprise. When you are doing something and not for any reason or may be out of habit something good happens to you and you just want to tell him because you cannot tell anyone else. And then you realize he is not there anymore and every time, every single time it’s like salting your old wounds to remind you of how bad your life has been. You were ready to risk your life for him, travel half the world to meet him, fight with him do anything just to keep him with you, you would starve with him, freeze with him and hear him complain about politics and religion everyday but he will not even answer your call or return your messages.

One part of you wonder if it ever bothers him, the fact that you don’t speak anymore but another part of you make excuses for him. May be there is something he is afraid to say, or someone he is afraid to love, or somewhere he is afraid to go or maybe it was all lies and we were just too afraid to say goodbye. Either way it is scary to know there could be some truth in both sides of the coin. And this hurts you. It hurts because he still matters to you and unlike him it bothers you that you don’t speak anymore.

Will you be hurt by his absence?? Of cause you will, will you be angry?? Absolutely..  Will you be bothered that he does not want to speak to you anymore? Of cause you will be, who wouldn’t feel hurt when a part of their heart breaks at ignorance and rejection?? In the beginning it might feels okay, then you begin to ask yourself every question you can think of, why, what, how come, why now, when did it begin and before you know it your sadness turns to pain, and pain turns to anger. And you become bitter.. maybe you become worse than how you were before you met the stranger.

Dear diary, looking at all this it makes me wonder how close happiness and pain are so closely knitted together. How quickly that moment of love can turn to hate, of how love and war stand upon the very same foundation. Of how easily a heart can be broken by someone you thought you knew and how a stranger can fix despair by one simple smile. And it makes me wonder, If love always end in pain and scars, if it has no meaning than that… why do people want it so bad?? Why do people what to hear this word and wear it scars??????