Before it even began..

By Norah Peter

I would always stare at my cell phone for an hour or so before falling asleep; hoping that you would call. The last time we met I remember seeing fear in your eyes, but you assured me, you were perfectly fine. I was hoping you would say, you felt the same way as I did about you. Unfortunately; it didn’t happen; perhaps it’s because you had your arms wrapped around another woman waist and I was too blind to see.

I have not seen you since then, but I still dream of the day I will see you again.  Somehow I have this strange feeling that you are thinking of me. You are what I envision a home to be. You have always stood taller than the four walls of a house and you complexion is way brighter than any wall paint I have ever seen before.

I wait for that day when you will come and confirm my observation of you the last time we met and that it was true that you were scared. I hope that somehow when you look into my eyes you will realize the feeling was mutual.   I am waiting to hear you saying that, you lied when you said you were perfectly fine. Trust me, I understand where you were standing; I probably would have said the same thing if you asked me first. 

I want to take things lightly and allow things to automatically fall into place.  I am someone who likes things to be properly organized all the time; nothing frustrates me in my life than this part of my life that is yet to fall into place.  I have tried to put this piece of my life everywhere and it is yet to fit anywhere. Like a piece of fine china that has not found a proper display in the living room I have shoved my feeling behind the shelves to maintain a proper look to the on lookers. This is how I manage to look like I got it all together with the hidden pieces behind. I go on for days without looking into this piece for my peace of mind. But I wonder, am I trying too hard? Because I do not want to try too hard.

Sometimes I wish I could sleep with my front door slightly open so that when you gain courage to walk out of where you abode you would not bother to knock the door. But I am the kind of girl who goes by the book, and I have grown to believe that things should be done in the right way, and that a guy should be brave enough to pursue a girl. Making things easy for you, where you will not use your God given charm to get into me will not be good for us in the long run. My mother taught me that, and as I walk in and out of relationships that do not work I found that statement to be true over and over again.

The risk is, maybe you will never be courageous enough to come to me, or all this is just my imagination and there is nothing mutual between us. What I take as fear in your eyes could actually be pity; you pitying me for looking at you with so much hope that there could be something between us. I have even come to a place where I am wondering whether I am good enough for this or that I am aiming too high. Every time I think of that I damn the day I looked at you, because I know if I never looked I wouldn’t be so lost in this pit of imagination. Probably I would be settled somewhere mediocre.

Believe me; you are worth the risk and the wait. You are the four walls I am willing to reside my heart and you are the perfect hands I will comfortably be held by.  I know there is a chance that nothing will ever happen between us and that hurts badly.  My optimistic side is glad that I risked with a glance because I finally got a rough sketch of what I want love to look like.

When you come you better be ready to hear me out; even though all I have is a bunch of sad stories that I am willing to tell through the night and a lot of tears to cry out since it has been a while since I had a shoulder to cry on. After all this time I will not allow fear to paralyze my arms from having a perfect grip on you. I will also not let my not so perfect past to ruin the present moment I will share with you.  I am always updating my music library with emotion attached to every song. And the funny part is I have all the lyrics memorized.  I promise to punch you on the face for keeping me waiting this long and turn me into a poet who never wants to be discovered.

Well, until you are here am taking the risk, fully knowing that I might end up losing but I am willing to live with the fact that I risked. I risked looking, I managed to see and I was brave enough to wait and not settle for anything that does not resonate with what I saw.  You have changed what home means to me, you redefined four walls and if that is the only part you were meant to play in my story you did it so well. You are the four walls to me, you presence is home and I am glad you got to be a part my story.