In a Nutshell

By Lavender Steve

Beautiful inside and out she was, not corrupted by the invasive ways of the world. Who would have thought that the beautiful feeling called ‘LOVE’ would be the culprit to corrupt her? Or was it not love that corrupted her?

The only love she could boast of in her late teens was family love and that of the Most high - protected from the wiles of the world by parents who, at the mere mention of a strange boy’s name, could earn her plenty strokes of the cane and a night in the cold.

Not once did she consider falling in love at a tender age - love was for the adults… and experienced at the right age or time, love would be the epitome of happiness, the symbol of freedom, the climax of life or so she thought.

Right from college, Atita - the grotesque name given her by her parents, was plunged into the big city to tarmac (job hunt) – a rite of passage for every graduate. She, a pure soul with no thought of evil against anyone, a soul that saw only the best in people, and eyes that saw the world as a haven for peace, love and humanity was thus plummeted into a world so wicked, a world so chaotic, a world so unforgiving.

Her tarmacking led her into the native land of the Maa community, in the deeper parts of Maasai Mara, home to one of the seven wonders of the world – The wild beast migration - alone , inexperienced , full of hope, despair not part of her vocabulary.

She walked in confident strides, big dreams swirling in her pretty little head, her first thoughts being to change the meagre life that had become their family's trademark since her father lost his job in the era of retrenchment.

Shocker of shockers, on landing her new job, what was put on the table as wage wouldn’t even let her buy a new underpant for herself let alone build a new house for her aging parents - but she really needed the job. For her, it signified independence, a start of life, a breather for her parents who were barely making it by the day. She really needed to see a genuine smile on her parents’ faces once again, see them content (not struggling), living their sunset lives to the fullest…    

Anyway, she took the job albeit the meagre salary and trusted she would make it through. With nothing to start out on, she took habitude at a friends house who grew tired of her in a month and gave her the “When are you moving out” treatment. She could feel this question in the air every time she walked in from work tired and forlon.

Atita chose to move out the following month despite not having any means to survive. The gods, always on the watch, paved way where there seemed to be none. In short, while she had been with the Maa people, she had met a woman who heard of her woes and offered her ‘nest’ to her.

Women and their wiles! According to her friend, she had rented the place as her retreat for whenever life became too harsh and she needed some solitude – an escape of sorts. She was giving a fully furnished single room to Atita. All she had to do was pay the rent. Who wouldn’t take such an offer? The Gods were indeed in control, the stars were aligned, there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel

And the story begins….

En route to her mediocre job, she met this guy, Olay, who on first encounter asked her to marry him. Haa, she laughed – that mocky kind of laughter that makes one wonder if they just made the biggest of their lives. She could not see herself with him in the next minute let alone a lifetime!

He wasn’t her type at all. She turned him down but he kept coming, she put hurdles his way just to get him to leave her alone but he effortlessly went over them. A determined man he was, or so she thought…

How it happened, she can’t explain. But in one of his comings, they found themselves in a room alone, together, sitting close. He touched her for the first time, on the thighs - she froze. She had never been touched like that by a man ever. Silent prayers filled her head beseeching God to make him stop.

She couldn’t move a limb. Seemed the gods this time left her to her devices. His hands continued their travel, tears filled her eyes. This was not what she expected. Her entire life she had known this kind of freedom was meant for the one who would walk her down the aisle.

Since childhood, she had never known how to defend herself - even when she wasn’t on the wrong. She let herself take blame for a lot of things. Her response was always silence and let be thus, in this situation, she just remained silent and let be. She hated it. Why couldn’t he see her tears, her little attempts at protest?

There was no penetration, it was just touch but to her it was a violation meant only for her husband, and just like that she decided this man was going to be her husband. She would never let more than one man access her like that. After all, he had asked her to be his wife so she wouldn't be imposing, right?

Did I tell you Atita was a born again Christian, a staunch follower of Christ? Well, now you can guess where her uninformed decisions were coming from. Married barely a year and she knew it was the worst decision ever but her Christian principles would not allow her abscond her marriage.

She bore it all, the good and the bad, gave her all, shunned external advice and put in maximised efforts to see the marriage work.

Then one day she snapped. The donkey got tired of maltreatment. The hurt this particular day ran too deep for some reason. It felt like she was seeing her husband for the first time and couldn't fathom how she had lived with him all this while.

An eye opener it was to the things she had been turning a cold shoulder to. Atita took herself on holiday to the coast to clear her mind and for the first time in twelve years of marriage she dared look at another man. It felt like something deep inside was striving to be let out and she let herself indulge in a one night stand.

It was with so much anger and hate towards her husband that she gave herself to this pursuant at a retreat at the coast. It felt like freedom albeit the pangs of guilt that followed. Days after her encounter with 'sin', she couldn't bring herself be with her husband however much she tried.

She put in effort and with so much effort was almost bringing her family back to solid ground and then, just when he thought the storm was over, he did it again. This time the feeling was different.

Atita felt as though she was being gagged, throttled, like she couldn't take it anymore and she told him so.  “Take whatever you are taking because once you step out, I never want to see you ever again." Those were her exact words to her husband. She didn't know how much she meant them until they put themselves into action and she found herself loathing him more and more with everyday that passed. She couldn't bring herself to want him back.

It is in this free space that she met someone else, Akuru, and she told herself, why not? She could get to experience what she never did during her younger days. It turned out to be the worst relationship ever. It was draining, exhausting and toxic all in one swoop.

She lost her identity, her sense of belonging, isolated herself from everyone, was miserable all the time, and burst into uncontrollable tears without provocation. She couldn't tell what was happening to her. To put it blandly, she was a dead woman walking.

On several occasions she wished death upon herself in different forms. It was the easy escape from all the uncertainty. She lost friends but two particular ones remained standing, Biro and Rasha. They were the only ones who noticed her slipping and got concerned.

Biro did the best he could, Indulging in heart to heart talks with Atita to no avail. She was never open to tell him exactly what was ailing her. Rasha on the other hand was privy to all info, knew about Atita's new relationship. Her words, “Atita if you walk out of this relationship you will die" rung true than she actually thought.  If only she knew staying in it was killing Atita bit by bit!

Amidst all this, Atita lost her job, the only pillar left in her life, or so it felt. It was the lowest moments of her life, it was during this time that Biro got carried away and almost had his way with her, with her consent of course. This put a dent in their friendship and they drifted apart leaving her with Rasha as the only shoulder to cry on.

Rasha, too, for some reason, also withdrew and then she was truly alone. Death would have been most welcome at this time but it never came so she lived everyday in a shell. Alcohol the sole companion in most cases.

After a prolonged period of solitude, she landed a promising job plus out of the blue, Lewmas, a guy she only saw in passing started talking to her. Funnily enough, she didn't rebuff him like she had been doing lately to anyone who tried coming close to her, or maybe she did but he braved it, she wouldn't know.

He kept saying she pushes people away. Then he said he loved her. Well, she had long decided that love was an overrated feeling that faded with the thrill of the chase, a nortion for the birds. Despite her misgivings about love, she couldn't help but notice that since she allowed Lewmas - funny name, into her life, she had crawled back out of the abyss.

He had put a smile on her face again, he brought back the sparkle in her eyes, the spring in her walk. Lewmas made her feel good, made her genuinely happy, a feeling she had long forgotten. It felt kind of scary to feel that way again and more. Reminded her of a dream she once had.

The dream..

She had wandered into the deeper shores when the waters had receded at the beach with some friends. She was too engrossed in digging her feet into the sand that she didn't notice when her friends disappeared or when the waters started travelling back (as they say at the coast). She lifted her eyes and alas! She was alone and the waters were raging around her - circling her. She tried to run towards the outer shore but somehow her feet were trapped in the sand.

She called out to Akuru but he was nowhere. She got down on her knees trying to free her feet with her hands but it seemed to take forever. Helpless, she started sobbing, waiting for the inevitability of death.

Then a hand appeared, stretched forth, hand owner without a face asking her to take a hold of it, she lifted her face and looked at him, she couldn't quite make him out. He beckoned her to hurry as the waters were closing in all round, she took a leap of faith and put her hands in his and yes! He pulled her out of the sand, held on to her hand as they ran towards the shores.

She wanted to take the usual route out but he told her the waters would engulf them and he took a different route which to her seemed like they were walking into a death trap. He was moving towards the deeper end which was already swamping with water. Nevertheless she somehow trusted him and followed concomitantly.

She didn't know how to swim and neither did he and she wondered how he was going to get both of them out as the water levels were already at their necks. When they reached ashore, the waters were above her head and she was struggling to stay afloat. Then something unexpected happened, he let go of her hand without warning and jumped out of the water.

Why abandon her now that she was almost out? She wondered. She stared death in the face. Just as she was letting herself sink into oblivion, she heard his voice, shouting at the top of his lungs asking her to raise her hands above her head. Her savior was back! She could dare take another leap at cheating death. She did as was told and he lurched onto her flailing hands and pulled her out. Her faceless hero....

Allowing people back in meant being vulnerable to pain again but then someone was already in too deep. Lewmas- hopefully the man in her dreams, had brought back purpose into her life. Atita thinks she is in love again. Again? Sounds cryptic! Has she ever even been in love? What is love after all?

The promise of the elusive love is smiling at her - that is if love really does exist. Lewmas has lifted the weight of the world off her shoulders. The world looks like a better place to be with him in it.If it is true love, it will be the greatest.

All she knows is that she doesn't want a world without him, not now, not ever. She only wishes he feels the same. She can now believe she will build her parents that dream home. With life abounding and happiness within, nothing is impossible.