The battle within me..

Dear diary,

I am in a battle, a battle between what I feel and what I know. Somehow my heart says something that my brain cannot interpret, or may be my brain says something that my heart cannot process, either way the two are fighting against each other. I don’t know who is right or who I should listen to. My mom told me sometimes back, that I should follow my heart but take my brain with me whenever love is involved. But she never told me what to do if the two are heading to the opposite direction. Neither did she tell me which one is more important than the other. If I remember correctly she did sound like both of them are equally important. So what do I do??

My heart keeps blaming my brain, saying it was its fault that all this pain came upon it. That brain never worked hard enough, that it pretended that all these will not matter, that they will go away in a fraction of a second knowing the heart was breaking into tiny million pieces. And even after all this it still refuse to admit that what it did was a mistake, find a way to make things right. Look for better alternatives to nurse the heart, make it better again. What I feel originate from the heart, it’s the unbearable pain, I feel lost and lonely. I feel like am so hard to be loved that no one could really love me and choose me over anything else, I feel like am carrying the weight of entire world on my shoulders.

My brain on the other end is not happy with all these complains, somehow it blames the heart for pulling it back or rather confusing it every time it makes a progress, that the idea of its being in love with another heart for no reason at all is nonsense. For it everything has to have strong enough reasons before it decides to pursue it. And as if loving another heart with no reason is not enough it never had a backup plan. Brain says ever since he left it has never done anything constructive, anything that will make it proud, anything that could change the world that it keeps wasting time waiting for something that might not come back for no reason at all. What I know is, whoever I am at this time is not what I want to be, I know am strong and I can fight the pain and after all it’s not like I did not have a good time, I had the best time of my life with him by my side. My brain tells me nothing lasts forever and the sooner I accept that the easier the pain will be.

I am in the middle of all this, I do not know what to follow, and just like me, my body is tired. I can feel pain all over it, there is no energy left in it since I have not been able to take anything but water and half a doughnut for the past four days. The fight between my heart and brain is not helping either since it consume a lot of m energy. My eyes swollen from crying and my voice is dry. I keep asking myself, if I close my eyes forever, would it ease the pain?? Could I breathe again?

Much love

me