Dear diary,
When will this pain be over? When
does my Sunday begin? When does getting over begin? Where does moving on
starts?? How long will it take until am back to being me, until I don’t feel so sad and lonely and my heart at peace? It has been eight days and seven nights in this pain, I knew it won’t be easy but I never thought it would be
this painful. I have been in this road before but normally healing was a lot
easier, moving on was something I could do in three or four days, looking back
is something I swore not to do because where I come from falling in love with
your ex is like eating your own vomit. Yeah I know it’s disgusting but what I mean
to say is, it’s unacceptable, they say if you broke up, then you did it for a
reason and it is because whatever reason it was, could not be solved.
Looking at the whole situation, I
am still not sure if this was a breakup or not, what I do know is he never said
he didn't love me, in fact he said he loved me and he wished things were
different, I, just like him never said I didn't love him but in the end he had
to leave. There are times when I just think may be if I had tried harder to make
him stay, may be if I had given him enough reasons to take me with him may be
we would have been together somewhere and happy, but there are times that I
think maybe this is the best for him, may be this is the way that would lead
him to where he really want be. Am sure you are wondering why I said the best
for him and not for us, well it’s because for me, he was the best thing that
could ever happened to me.
At one point or another everyone
has or will go through something that might change their life, make them better
people that they do not want to go back to who they used to be before, for me
HE was that experience. I didn't know my life could somehow change and be
better, reflected the life I always dreamed of until the day he walked towards
me with a smile on his lips and started talking to me, on that day for the
first time in many years I started to imagine the future that involved a
husband and children. I remember before that day I used to stand in front of a
mirror and I could see all the pain, loneliness and despair right through the
image that was standing in front of me, during that time I used to hate mirrors because I didn't like the image displayed. There was no life in it, nothing that
would have made it proud of being in this world, of seeing the light of this
earth, and nothing that would have made it want to come back as the same
creature in the next life. But all that changed the day I met him. Few weeks
later I could stand in front of the same mirror and wondering if I knew the
woman who was standing in front of me, she was transformed in few weeks. How she
became so strong, happy,hopeful and full of life is something I have never been able to
answer. Every minute meant so much yet it never used to mean a thing.
Today, with all these pain in me,
every minute feels like eternity, wondering what I did so wrong that I had to
go through all this. Tears have dried up yet pain is being magnified by the
minute. They say time heals the pain but to me I think the theory does not work
if you really loved a person with all your heart. The pain I feel today is more
than what I felt yesterday and the day before. It started from my heart and
spread like a plague to my whole body. I wish there was pain killers for this kind of pain, a pain killer that could not only heal my body but my heart
and memories too, make them less painful may be or help me forget. But there
is none and now my own house and body feel like prison, I don’t know how to
escape it.
Much love
me
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