Addicted...

Dear diary,

Scientist defines addiction as a state of being enslaved to habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit forming. They say it include drug abuse, exercise addiction, food addiction, sexual addiction and so forth. No one wants to admit they are addicted, I do not know anyone who has ever said openly that they are addicts, in this case I think I will be the first .All my life I never thought I will someday be one of the addicts neither did I decide to be one. And just like any other addict I didn't know when it started or how it started. I didn't even know I was an addict until now.

Now I understand addiction, I understand how hard it is for addicts to recover, I understand how painful the whole process is, I understand how frustrating giving up something that used to make you look forward, looking for tomorrow feel.  I understand how frustrating when someone take something u really need and you can do nothing about it.

For three years I had known him, I hadn't realized he had become part of my routine, and part of me. He was someone I could  wake up to, someone that will get me through the day, someone I needed for me to sleep like a baby, someone to make me smile when I was so angry, someone to make me see a brighter future, someone to challenge me and make me think outside the box. There was a time that I didn't need someone for all these, there was a time when being alone was just fine but I don’t remember that time anymore I do not even understand how I managed to be alone and not go insane and not feel so lost it feels like a million years ago.

Now I know he is in my blood, under my skin may be. I cannot stop thinking about him, every corner of this house remind me of him, I can hear his breathing in my sleep.. I can smell his cologne in my shower..i can see his smile when I sit on the table for dinner.

I do not know if this kind of addiction can be treated or how it can be treated but I know it will not leave me neither will it not kill me. i also know being addicted to people is the worst kind of addiction, if you are addicted to something and its taken away from you can find another source….. But not with peoples addiction you can not find a replacements…not in this life not in the next.

Much love

me