Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “Not until you’re lost do
we begin to understand our selves”. Its only when you are lost do you begin to
find a direction of where you were going, where you were meant to be, but to
find this you need to know where you come from.
To know the right direction one
must know where they want to go or what they want to do because if you do not
know where you’re going any road can take you anywhere and you will be lost
again and again. But where am I going? What do I want?
As we grow up we all have dreams of where we want to go,
of whom we want to be when we grow up. These dreams keep changing year after
year or at least mine used to. This year I would want to be a pilot and next
year a nurse, and a musician a year after the other year a hooker and the other
year a teacher. It kept changing may be as my awareness of how the world works
increased or may be as I met someone i admired. But there is one dream that every child must bear when they are
growing up, its dream to be a wonderful parents to their children, it’s a dream
to be a wife or a responsible husband. The good thing about being a child is
you never cared if this dream might break your heart into tiny little pieces, leaving
you lost confused and alone you just wanted to achieve it. You believed love
was so simple and easy until you grow up and experience the pain.
At times we find ourselves in a
situation where we are not sure how we got there in the first place, may be its
due to millions of coincidences that brought us there without our knowledge, or
may be its because we were caught up in the moment and never paid attention to
where we were going until we were there and we begin to wonder how we got there.
At other times we let ourselves be lost; in our everyday activities in an
ending pain at we attempt to get over it and sometimes in painful memories that
never stop to hunt us. These situations can sometimes be painful messed up and
other times they are complicated and you have no idea where to go or what to
do.
There are days that some of us look
up and realize we are lost in a forest and our only hope is a sense of
direction which we have no idea where we can get it from. For anybody who has
ever been lost in life or lost in the deepest darkest pit of your own soul
clinging to your memories of when you thought you knew who you are, where you
are and where you wanted to go has felt the nagging instance of the question “where
are you? And where are you going?’’. These questions never leave you to peace
until you can finally answer them.
I am lost my dear diary, am not sure
if am lost in my grief or in am lost in my anger and regrets but I know am all
alone wounded and trapped in a dark place with no windows or doors to let the
light in. I try to find my way our but it seems impossible don’t know how to
leave without the son of the retired general. I try to open my eyes, to see
anything that would show me the way out but there is none; every turn I take I knock
myself in a rock that open up my wounds all over again. I don’t know how to
smile, feel or be. I don’t know how to make myself strong again how to stand
with my own two legs. I don’t know how to find my peace again; I don’t know how
to find myself.
Years ago it was so clear to me that before
I reach my destination I will find myself lost in the wilderness and that I
will need some survival skills to master my journey. I knew for sure my faith
would be tested and tried, that I will lose some friends and the people I love
on the way, that it was meant for them to be lost during this time. I prepared myself
for it or I thought I did, but now that am lost I know I wasn't ready, I was
never ready and I would have never been ready. All I hope for right now it to
be able to find my way out of this wilderness and make a difference.... stay
with me dear diary because I don’t know what I will do if you had to leave,
stay with me until I get to understand myself.
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