The long wait

Dear diary,

Once you have found out everything that could go wrong in your life, your life becomes less of living and more about waiting. You wait for everything that you wish to happen to you, you wait for a better job opportunity, you wait for God to answer your prayers, you wait for love to find you and you wait for someone you really need to knock the door of your house. But then it never happen, may be its also because you are not sure of what you are waiting for and things you are waiting for pass you buy without you noticing… maybe its because you entertain the thought that you might be entitled to more happiness in the future by forgoing all of it now.

Waiting is never easy, it gets harder every day I wake up and every day I go to bed I lie awake wondering how long do I have to wait? What am I waiting for anyway? I am waiting for my life to begin, my story to start unfolding. It is something that I have been waiting for my whole life. Sometimes in my dreams am one step away or sometimes I see the story unfolding right in front of me and then the morning comes and I hit the reality.

For some reasons since the departure of the son of retired general I have been waiting for something to happen to me. Something that will make me happy, put that smile back on my face, something that will make me forget, something to help move on and other times I have been waiting for him. I know, I know it sounds crazy as to why I should be waiting for someone who has already made a choice of what was important in his life?? which is not me by the way; but he was the important thing to me. I don't know how to live without him, I try, I swear I try  to do everything that used to make me happy and even find new hobbies, do different things in a different way but I never works….. Nothing is fun without him.

Trying to forget has not been easy either, in fact it is just as hard as remembering, it’s exhausting trying to ignore the memories if your mind keep reminding of your losses and every way that you could lose in the future, it is so much torture trying to forget what your heart used to enjoy. I tell myself that once I can convince myself that I have forgotten then it will all be safely secured in the past, but the fact that until now I have not been able to convince myself that that proves that it is not forgotten and it is not in the past but in the present and probably the future.

Dear diary I am fully away that it is by living that you live more and by waiting you wait more. I know for sure every day of waiting makes my life little less, every lonely day makes me little smaller, and every day I my life on hold makes me less capable of living it. I know waiting is wastage of lime life and energy. And I know you are wondering why even with this knowledge I still wait. I don’t know why I wait; but I think this it is what they call hope or faith in religious books.

Some people will say am not brave enough, that am not strong enough, may be am not. But I hope some day after I have managed to come out of this suffering, of this loss, after I have found my way out of these depths I will be strong again and I will have nothing to fear.