Weakness, another form of strength

Dear diary,

Fear is weakness, it can make you lose the courage you thought you had, it can make you lose your words or strong arguments that you worked so hard to present and it can make you fail to perform your normal duties. This weakness makes people jumpy and organisations nerves because it means there is always a chance to take advantage. But what is weakness?? Weakness is strength or do I mean weakness, another form of strength?? Once you know what your weakness is then you know where your strength lies, you know what to do to excel and the dangers that can lead to your down fall.

We cultivate our weakness when we allow the most vulnerable and powerful part of ourselves to be deeply seen and known to our enemies. Sometimes we let these parts of us be seen by people we trust most or even love and share unexplainable connections not realizing they will be the source of our downfall some day. We share these parts with them hoping to gain acceptance for whom we are but somehow by doing this we give them access to the most powerful weapon that they can easily use to hurt and destroyed the only hope we spent so many days and night building. And then there are those remnants of the destroyed love, the fear of love that begins to rule your life thereafter. The night mares that suggest possibility of history to repeat itself, the increase chances of your heart to be broken over and over again that prevent you from loving any one, not even yourself, it becomes your weakness.

Dear diary, I fear to reveal this weakness to any living creature,  my weakness to not being able to bury the past, my weakness to not giving hope when I should, the confusion and madness in it. May be its because I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, I need to be strong, feel strong or may be its my other weakness that I cannot revel my pain to anyone until it’s no longer painful; when it does not hurt anymore and it is not the reason for my insomnia. The funny thing is I know my weakness but I don’t know where my strength lies, I stand in front of the mirror trying to find where my strength lies, I stare at the reflection of the girl I no longer recognize  I watch as she stares back at me sobbing pathetically. Then i remember my grandmother's wise words, she warned me long ago about a similar situation saying "there will come a time in your life when you lose something that matters to you.  You fight for it and you won’t win, but what matters is that you don’t lose the person you are in the midst of the battle". And I know did lose that person before the battle even began and the weakness I see through the image that stand in front of me and in her tears make me furious.

Robert Louis Stevenson once said, “you can no run away from weakness, you must at some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so why not now and where you stand?”  I believe it is about time I start fighting, I am going to fight this weakness and the fight starts today. I don’t know how I will start though. I have never done this before and I don’t know anyone who has but I think it will be easier if I hold on to the hate, the love and even the bitterness while I let go of the blame, one step at a time. Why holding on to the hate and the bitterness?? Am glad you asked, because it is what remind me of how life is, that life is painful and difficult. I want it to awake me someday when am caught up in my fantasies that I forget that love hurts.

I know you are thinking that I am making the wrong choice by holding on to hate and bitterness but sometimes you find yourself in a situation that you have to choose between a bunch of wrong choices and no right ones. And at that moment you realize you have to choose a choice that feel less wrong not the right one. I hope you will join me in this battle my dear, because I need to find me, I need to find my strength in the midst of my weakness.