By the way....

It is Monday afternoon, October 14, sitting here looking at a picture that was taken years ago. A picture of someone I knew or I like to think I knew. He looks contented, happy, strong and smart. I begin to wonder, what if pictures could show a soul of a person? What if it could show their intentions? What if it could tell if a person is hiding something? May be people would stop lying; people would be more sincere, more faithful.  May be then love would not be painful to anyone and no one would be hurt. I know not everyone has been here but once in a lifetime you will be broken by love. It will tear you down, making you doubt its existence.

It is so frustrating, the reality and the cold truth that there can never be roses without thorns. I don't know why we are never brought up with this truth, why they fill us with garbage about romantic love stories of happily ever after. It starts so early when we are still too young to figure out the truth on our own. They tell us about love and how beautiful it is, how perfect it should be, how fulfilling it is, no one bothers to warn us about the painful part of it yet everyone must go through it.  We grow up, hoping to have the best of it, find a prince charming and live happily ever after and boom!!! We hit the reality that once you love you have given another person a weapon that can s/he can use to hurt you in a way you never imagined.

Like most girls, i grew up looking for that day I will meet my prince charming, someone who will make me happy and someone i will spend the rest of life with. By the time I was in my teen age I had a check list, yeah a list of all the qualities I would want my man to possess. I was all set to look for him, I didn't want to be destructed, I made sure every time I was out  on a date with some guy I would go through my check list to know if he was the one. Then I realized none of the guys I was dating had them (well there were few who had  some qualities but never all), so I started to reduce some of the things I thought I could live without, the longer it took to find that person the shorter the list became. In the end I had only one item left, He had to be straight.

With one item on my checklist it was obvious everyman around me could fit in to it. I had to come up with something else.  As I was thinking what would differentiate my prince charming from the rest of male species it occurred to me that a good relationship was never about the sense of humor or intelligent or  being attractive and wealthy. It was about avoiding partners with harmful traits and personality types, the kind of partners who might choke you in your sleep. So this was so much easier than my check list. Mmmmh it was time to get into a serious relationship, but then there was one problem, even though these partners seemed good and all that, most of them were not faithful. I was broken over and over again.

Dear diary, I don't even know why am telling you this or the point of this conversation. Anyway there are times when you think you have found love when in reality you have found a person who can love you in some situations and cannot love you in other situations… some kind of conditional love, or people who can love you but you will never be enough for them. They will always want something else from someone else. Sometimes I wish someone would have warned be about all these, like the way a baby is warned about one of those sharp shiny objects. Warned about how their shiny nature can blind someone but their edges can cut in a way one never imagined.  See you soon.