Yesterday I was in town and I
decided to see a friend I hadn't seen in a long time. This friend owns a
small shop where he sell movies. When I arrived at his shop I found him with another
female friend. As usual he tried to convince me to buy movies that he thought would appeal
to me. One of his first suggestions was a series titled “Be careful with my heat”.
I knew this TV program because I had seen it before, my friend Cecilia like to
watch it every time she visits my house. This series is basically about a house
maid who later fall in love with her boss. When my friend told me to buy it, I
told him I did not like the story line. He told me, it was a good movie to
watch though it was responsible for tearing apart many marriages since house maids
are now working so hard to win their boss’s hearts. The other friend (the lady friend) then said “If a husband heart is stolen by a house maid it’s
usually the wife’s fault because she allowed her maid to do too much for her husband”
Now, am sure you are wondering
what she meant by “too much”. Well her definition of too much is allowing your maid to cook for your husband, set a table for him, clean your room, make your
bed, wash his clothes and any other duty that will make a woman seen as a
responsible wife. Many Africans, will agree with her, they will say those are wife’s
duties just because they have been done by wives for decades. But my question
is, if these duties that make women responsible wives, in the world where both
husband and wife participate in earning financial stability for their family
what are the men’s duties as responsible husbands?? A thousand years ago it
made sense to have wife and husbands specific roles, men would go hunting and
bring home food while women would stay home and do all other chores. But in the
21st century why do women have to help men in provide for the
family and men won’t help women with their chores?
Even though I never really said anything
to her, I was hurt by how she thinks. Not because she thought those were her
responsibilities as a woman but because she, like many other African women make
excuses for men’s cheating behavior. In other words, they think is okay for a
man to cheat as long as his wife is not doing her wifely duties.
I have come across a lot of woman
who make excuses for their husbands bad behaviors some even went as far as saying
men are like children and I will not understand it until when am married. What
I don’t understand is why any woman would choose to be married by a grown up child
instead of a grown up man. I do not understand why any woman would make an
excuse for her husband bad behavior flatter their fascinating graces, view
them as if they were in a state of perpetual childhood unable to do anything
for themselves instead of treating him like rational creatures and the head of
the house they claim to be.
One of my colleagues once told me
it will be difficult for me to find a husband if I keep thinking this way. But if
all people are born free, why is it all African women are born slaves to men? Why
do African women have to shape their behaviors, their way of thinking and
everything around them to suits the needs of men? Why do we have to excuse men’s behavior or even being blamed for our husbands/ partners bad behaviors? Why
is it okay for men to be involve in casual sex with different kinds of woman
and be liked or admired for it while the women whom he slept with are seen
loose, prostitutes, irresponsible and unworthy?? Why does a man have to be ashamed
of honoring their vows and their wives be blamed for not making them faithful?
Why do our boyfriends/husbands cheat on us and the society blame us because we
never gave them enough or we gave them too much??
Dear diary, people will say am a
feminist, but why won’t anyone in his/her right state of mind be if you
live in a society where a raped woman is blamed for her own misfortune? In a
society where a woman being raped is the result of her misbehavior or bad dressing code?? Why
can't we all call a spade a spade and punish those who did the injustice? If am
man look at a woman and become caught up in her beauty and assent to sin, is a
woman to be blamed or the beauty given to her by God be disparaged?? Why can’t we
punish men for their despicable behavior of raping or cheating or better yet failure to
control their gaze?? Why are men treated as if they these fragile creatures who
have no self control and cannot reason when it comes to sex?
If you ask me, I will tell you we
have been sleeping for too long and its time to wake up. It is foolishness to
keep making excuses for men’s bad behaviors to blame ourselves for their
failure. It will be foolish to pretend we are equal to men while we treat them
like children. It is time to take back the power we have given men over us. It is
time to affect a revolution in female manners and make no excuse for their behavior
It is time to separate the unchangeable morals from local manners. It is time we decide their opinion on us will no longer define who we are.
I know this might seem difficult
of even impossible but if we all change the way we think today and start with our children, if we start to praise our boys for their virginity the same way we
praise our girls, if we start teaching young boys to cook and do other house
chores the same way we do to our girls, if we do not make any excuse for their
failure to control their sexual desires, if we teach our boys how to respect
and care for their wives the same why we teach our girls before they are
married, if we teach them to love the girl who stepped outside a very narrow
lane that good girls are supposed to stay within, then we can make a difference
for our future generations.
Cheers!!
