Being a woman in Africa

It is hard to be a woman in Africa,

I can’t have an education or it will make me love it over my marriage and make me to be the head of the home.

I can’t have a job, because I will become proud and not submissive.

I can’t have a job that pays more than my husband because it’s an insult to his man hood; he will be emasculated and one day I will use it to rubbish him out side.

I cant be single at 25, unmarried by 30 and don’t have a single child at 35; it will mean am cursed, have a spiritual husband or I have had a bad character and no man want to be with me.

Any achievement of mine is a waste and useless if I don’t have a boyfriend or a husband and it will make me more arrogant and unattractive to men.

Heaven forbid that I have a house or a car for the same affirmations!!! The only place I can leave is my parents’ house until I get married.

Only loose women stays in a hotel.

If my job requires I travel, I have to stay with an elderly couple; friends or relatives who can talk to me about this my job and how it will not allow me settle in one place and marry.

Expensive things are not allowed, I can’t marry quick with them, I can’t speak on anything under the sun unless I have a ring on my finger and a baby who has sucked my breast .

If my boyfriend or husband cheats on me, I must endure it and manage.. All men are the same and there no good ones around anymore.

Whatever my husband or even my stupid boyfriend that does not know left or right does, I must agree.

It’s as if the moment we got together I lost my sense of reasoning and purpose in life, his word even if foolish is love and I must die to please him and obey him.

How dare do I expect my husband hire a maid or ask any one aside me to clean?

What did he marry me for?

How dare do I dream of a husband who cooks and clean?? Am I mad? Is that not witch craft? Why should he take care of the children while I sleep, travel or go out? Is he my maid or my servant?

Ooh when it comes to being a good wife, I must not forget to cook fresh soup every day, wear makeup, heels and sexy dresses or be naked everyday…

I must learn how to shake my waist like my life depend on it and be ready for sex all the time… do I want him to go outside and cheat??

He can do anything because am a useless and stupid woman

The walls fall apart because am a useless and stupid woman.

The marriage end because am a useless and stupid woman.

My husband cheats and beats me up because am a useless and stupid woman.

The children grow up horrible because am a useless and stupid woman.

I am a useless and stupid woman because am a useless and stupid woman.

Its bad enough men think this way, but to see women think this same way and fight against people who struggle to raise awareness on women's rights, like they are the next Malcom X, Luther or Madiba is shocking and sad. 

May be one day things will get better. I pray it gets better because anyone who says these trash affirmation to my babies will hear it from me. 

In a Nutshell

By Lavender Steve

Beautiful inside and out she was, not corrupted by the invasive ways of the world. Who would have thought that the beautiful feeling called ‘LOVE’ would be the culprit to corrupt her? Or was it not love that corrupted her?

The only love she could boast of in her late teens was family love and that of the Most high - protected from the wiles of the world by parents who, at the mere mention of a strange boy’s name, could earn her plenty strokes of the cane and a night in the cold.

Not once did she consider falling in love at a tender age - love was for the adults… and experienced at the right age or time, love would be the epitome of happiness, the symbol of freedom, the climax of life or so she thought.

Right from college, Atita - the grotesque name given her by her parents, was plunged into the big city to tarmac (job hunt) – a rite of passage for every graduate. She, a pure soul with no thought of evil against anyone, a soul that saw only the best in people, and eyes that saw the world as a haven for peace, love and humanity was thus plummeted into a world so wicked, a world so chaotic, a world so unforgiving.

Her tarmacking led her into the native land of the Maa community, in the deeper parts of Maasai Mara, home to one of the seven wonders of the world – The wild beast migration - alone , inexperienced , full of hope, despair not part of her vocabulary.

She walked in confident strides, big dreams swirling in her pretty little head, her first thoughts being to change the meagre life that had become their family's trademark since her father lost his job in the era of retrenchment.

Shocker of shockers, on landing her new job, what was put on the table as wage wouldn’t even let her buy a new underpant for herself let alone build a new house for her aging parents - but she really needed the job. For her, it signified independence, a start of life, a breather for her parents who were barely making it by the day. She really needed to see a genuine smile on her parents’ faces once again, see them content (not struggling), living their sunset lives to the fullest…    

Anyway, she took the job albeit the meagre salary and trusted she would make it through. With nothing to start out on, she took habitude at a friends house who grew tired of her in a month and gave her the “When are you moving out” treatment. She could feel this question in the air every time she walked in from work tired and forlon.

Atita chose to move out the following month despite not having any means to survive. The gods, always on the watch, paved way where there seemed to be none. In short, while she had been with the Maa people, she had met a woman who heard of her woes and offered her ‘nest’ to her.

Women and their wiles! According to her friend, she had rented the place as her retreat for whenever life became too harsh and she needed some solitude – an escape of sorts. She was giving a fully furnished single room to Atita. All she had to do was pay the rent. Who wouldn’t take such an offer? The Gods were indeed in control, the stars were aligned, there was indeed light at the end of the tunnel

And the story begins….

En route to her mediocre job, she met this guy, Olay, who on first encounter asked her to marry him. Haa, she laughed – that mocky kind of laughter that makes one wonder if they just made the biggest of their lives. She could not see herself with him in the next minute let alone a lifetime!

He wasn’t her type at all. She turned him down but he kept coming, she put hurdles his way just to get him to leave her alone but he effortlessly went over them. A determined man he was, or so she thought…

How it happened, she can’t explain. But in one of his comings, they found themselves in a room alone, together, sitting close. He touched her for the first time, on the thighs - she froze. She had never been touched like that by a man ever. Silent prayers filled her head beseeching God to make him stop.

She couldn’t move a limb. Seemed the gods this time left her to her devices. His hands continued their travel, tears filled her eyes. This was not what she expected. Her entire life she had known this kind of freedom was meant for the one who would walk her down the aisle.

Since childhood, she had never known how to defend herself - even when she wasn’t on the wrong. She let herself take blame for a lot of things. Her response was always silence and let be thus, in this situation, she just remained silent and let be. She hated it. Why couldn’t he see her tears, her little attempts at protest?

There was no penetration, it was just touch but to her it was a violation meant only for her husband, and just like that she decided this man was going to be her husband. She would never let more than one man access her like that. After all, he had asked her to be his wife so she wouldn't be imposing, right?

Did I tell you Atita was a born again Christian, a staunch follower of Christ? Well, now you can guess where her uninformed decisions were coming from. Married barely a year and she knew it was the worst decision ever but her Christian principles would not allow her abscond her marriage.

She bore it all, the good and the bad, gave her all, shunned external advice and put in maximised efforts to see the marriage work.

Then one day she snapped. The donkey got tired of maltreatment. The hurt this particular day ran too deep for some reason. It felt like she was seeing her husband for the first time and couldn't fathom how she had lived with him all this while.

An eye opener it was to the things she had been turning a cold shoulder to. Atita took herself on holiday to the coast to clear her mind and for the first time in twelve years of marriage she dared look at another man. It felt like something deep inside was striving to be let out and she let herself indulge in a one night stand.

It was with so much anger and hate towards her husband that she gave herself to this pursuant at a retreat at the coast. It felt like freedom albeit the pangs of guilt that followed. Days after her encounter with 'sin', she couldn't bring herself be with her husband however much she tried.

She put in effort and with so much effort was almost bringing her family back to solid ground and then, just when he thought the storm was over, he did it again. This time the feeling was different.

Atita felt as though she was being gagged, throttled, like she couldn't take it anymore and she told him so.  “Take whatever you are taking because once you step out, I never want to see you ever again." Those were her exact words to her husband. She didn't know how much she meant them until they put themselves into action and she found herself loathing him more and more with everyday that passed. She couldn't bring herself to want him back.

It is in this free space that she met someone else, Akuru, and she told herself, why not? She could get to experience what she never did during her younger days. It turned out to be the worst relationship ever. It was draining, exhausting and toxic all in one swoop.

She lost her identity, her sense of belonging, isolated herself from everyone, was miserable all the time, and burst into uncontrollable tears without provocation. She couldn't tell what was happening to her. To put it blandly, she was a dead woman walking.

On several occasions she wished death upon herself in different forms. It was the easy escape from all the uncertainty. She lost friends but two particular ones remained standing, Biro and Rasha. They were the only ones who noticed her slipping and got concerned.

Biro did the best he could, Indulging in heart to heart talks with Atita to no avail. She was never open to tell him exactly what was ailing her. Rasha on the other hand was privy to all info, knew about Atita's new relationship. Her words, “Atita if you walk out of this relationship you will die" rung true than she actually thought.  If only she knew staying in it was killing Atita bit by bit!

Amidst all this, Atita lost her job, the only pillar left in her life, or so it felt. It was the lowest moments of her life, it was during this time that Biro got carried away and almost had his way with her, with her consent of course. This put a dent in their friendship and they drifted apart leaving her with Rasha as the only shoulder to cry on.

Rasha, too, for some reason, also withdrew and then she was truly alone. Death would have been most welcome at this time but it never came so she lived everyday in a shell. Alcohol the sole companion in most cases.

After a prolonged period of solitude, she landed a promising job plus out of the blue, Lewmas, a guy she only saw in passing started talking to her. Funnily enough, she didn't rebuff him like she had been doing lately to anyone who tried coming close to her, or maybe she did but he braved it, she wouldn't know.

He kept saying she pushes people away. Then he said he loved her. Well, she had long decided that love was an overrated feeling that faded with the thrill of the chase, a nortion for the birds. Despite her misgivings about love, she couldn't help but notice that since she allowed Lewmas - funny name, into her life, she had crawled back out of the abyss.

He had put a smile on her face again, he brought back the sparkle in her eyes, the spring in her walk. Lewmas made her feel good, made her genuinely happy, a feeling she had long forgotten. It felt kind of scary to feel that way again and more. Reminded her of a dream she once had.

The dream..

She had wandered into the deeper shores when the waters had receded at the beach with some friends. She was too engrossed in digging her feet into the sand that she didn't notice when her friends disappeared or when the waters started travelling back (as they say at the coast). She lifted her eyes and alas! She was alone and the waters were raging around her - circling her. She tried to run towards the outer shore but somehow her feet were trapped in the sand.

She called out to Akuru but he was nowhere. She got down on her knees trying to free her feet with her hands but it seemed to take forever. Helpless, she started sobbing, waiting for the inevitability of death.

Then a hand appeared, stretched forth, hand owner without a face asking her to take a hold of it, she lifted her face and looked at him, she couldn't quite make him out. He beckoned her to hurry as the waters were closing in all round, she took a leap of faith and put her hands in his and yes! He pulled her out of the sand, held on to her hand as they ran towards the shores.

She wanted to take the usual route out but he told her the waters would engulf them and he took a different route which to her seemed like they were walking into a death trap. He was moving towards the deeper end which was already swamping with water. Nevertheless she somehow trusted him and followed concomitantly.

She didn't know how to swim and neither did he and she wondered how he was going to get both of them out as the water levels were already at their necks. When they reached ashore, the waters were above her head and she was struggling to stay afloat. Then something unexpected happened, he let go of her hand without warning and jumped out of the water.

Why abandon her now that she was almost out? She wondered. She stared death in the face. Just as she was letting herself sink into oblivion, she heard his voice, shouting at the top of his lungs asking her to raise her hands above her head. Her savior was back! She could dare take another leap at cheating death. She did as was told and he lurched onto her flailing hands and pulled her out. Her faceless hero....

Allowing people back in meant being vulnerable to pain again but then someone was already in too deep. Lewmas- hopefully the man in her dreams, had brought back purpose into her life. Atita thinks she is in love again. Again? Sounds cryptic! Has she ever even been in love? What is love after all?

The promise of the elusive love is smiling at her - that is if love really does exist. Lewmas has lifted the weight of the world off her shoulders. The world looks like a better place to be with him in it.If it is true love, it will be the greatest.

All she knows is that she doesn't want a world without him, not now, not ever. She only wishes he feels the same. She can now believe she will build her parents that dream home. With life abounding and happiness within, nothing is impossible.

Open Letter to my little brother.

Dear Julius,

I don’t know if you have ever received a letter this long or if you are a fun of letters, but I think I owe it to you and to myself to put this in writing simply because I think I can give you a better advice in writing than in speaking.

I am not a relationship expert, I have never been one; in fact am one of those people who have had messy relationship that lead to serious depression. My heart has been broken countless times, I have also broken few hearts myself.  But it is through this I have come to believe that life is made up of moments. Some are significant and some are disposable. Some sit at the edge of your awareness and stunt you when you are trying to sleep and others fade into the background noise of life and we hardly know they exist.

Years ago, I had a relationship with a man that I truly loved. I don’t think I have ever loved anyone the way I loved him. He was a good guy and even though many times I had doubts about our future there was no day that I doubted how I felt for him. Unfortunately he didn’t feel the same way and he was stuck and unable to tell me. So the relationship dragged along for four good years until he finally cut off all communications with me. I must admit, I didn’t see this coming, I didn’t know what to do and I was so worried until i found out that was his way of ending things. It was one of the most difficult moments in my life but I also knew even if he ended things any other way I would still feel hurt and betrayed just the same. On that day, I realized not many things in life can be as emotionally painful as a break up or love that was not reciprocated.

 It was not easy but I had to give my self-strength. I went rogue, I became the worst version of me. Some days I would feel everything at once and some days I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Some days I could conquer the world and some days it took me hours to convince my body to get out of bed. What destroyed me the most was not the fact that he left, but the way he did it and the realization that he was using me. That he knew there was no us in the future but still pretended that there was hope for us.  Why wasn’t he a man enough to tell me that he didn’t see me in his future? Why did he leave without any explanations or even worse why did he make me deny the chance of being with other people who truly loved me?

Now, I know this is what you do not want, to break Pendo’s heart but unfortunately you cannot control it. Its alright to feel hesitant or even afraid to cut off the relationship you know has no future, more so if you know your partners loves you and would do anything for you. But remember everyone goes though these emotions and get hurts at one time or another. In life, there are worse things than being alone but it often takes us decades to realize this and most often when we do it’s too late. Please don’t make this mistake for you or for her. There is nothing worse than wishing you could have made a different decision when you had the chance to do so. What I can assure you is there is no woman on earth young or small, married or not that does not have someone who is waiting on the side to get a chance to be with her. So don’t you worry soon enough she will heal and move on.

My dear Jully, the most important thing is you must make a decision that you are going to let her go and actually do it. I understand it’s not any easy thing and it’s something you want to do but you don’t know how to do it. I can assure you no matter how you do it, even if you bring a break up cake, it will still hurt the same and it is better sooner than later. Know that, at some point you will have to rise up and say “I don’t care how disappointed she will be I am not going to continue dragging her along anymore because it will cause more damage that good.” End it while you still have a chance to be friends. End it because it is the right thing to do for both of you.

You are a good person and this one difficult decision will not make you look less of a gentleman man that you already are. Relationships are tricky things and I hope after this one you will have learned your lesson and never make any lady fall for you if you have no intention of catching her.  People always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you and your destiny. In the future make sure you analyse all this before diving in the relationship. Allow your big head to think before the small one. It’s not easy but possible.

Before I end this letter, I will tell you something that I learned about three years ago about marriage. Probably you know it but I will tell you anyway.

MARRIAGE is like a shoe. When you wear oversize be ready to drag it along throughout life, and when you wear under-size be ready to feel the pains throughout life."One thing about marriage is that you don't drop your shoe or remove it at any point, no matter how painful or how stressful it is.

When you are ready to buy your own shoe please take note of these three things:

Physical appearance: Do not look for the beautiful ones, the nice ones or the cheap ones. Look for the one that is your size. Not every beautiful, wealthy or intelligent lady is for you. Look for the one that is meant for you, the one that aligns with your values and belief, the one who you meet at your life's journey. It is important to know where you're going in life before you think of getting a wife.

Position:  All sizes of shoes are not placed in the same place. There is a place for court shoes, laced up shoes, sport footwear, snickers etc. We have Children sizes, young people's sizes and the adult sizes. Know where to get your own shoe. Your size cannot be everywhere my brother, your type cannot be everywhere my dear. You cannot be a Christian, and be looking for a wife material at a club. Your wife or husband can't just be everywhere.

Stick to your values and therein you shall find someone like you, but when your values are not defined anyone can just match you. Discover yourself and define your values

Perception:  In this kind of shoe purchasing enterprise, you are not permitted to try the shoe before you buy. This is why it is important to seek guidance and counselling, from people who have bought shoes before or are into the business of directing people to the right shoes (Pastors and Relationship coaches). And most importantly to avoid much time wasting time, simply consult the shoe manufacturer to tell you your size (God Almighty).

Finally, it is not something you rush to the market and just pick a shoe because you like or can purchase it.

Ask questions

-Where is this shoe made from? (Background)

-What's the size (Values)

-How much (His/Her interest)

-How long will it last (His/Her Character)

-Who made it? (Is she/He of the same faith This is compatibility)

-Will it match me? (This is whether he/she love you and will accept you the way you are)

Dear one, remember many are dragging their foot and they would hardly reach their destinies, many are feeling endless pains and wish they could pull off the shoes but no way!!! I have seen people with beautiful shoes and when they show you their foot, you will see scars. Beloved, it is not about the physical, it is the size, you can't know the size from afar so come close, build a relationship first and be patient.

Much love

Me

The Blind Date

Back in the days when my hormones were raging, I despised small talk. My idea of fun was getting right into it. It was masculine sort of, macho and “getting to know each other” was rather a waste of time. But now as a certified occupant of the third floor, I can’t even begin to imagine how I let my raging hormones take control of me. Life indeed has humbled me and what I cherished some 10 or so years ago is what actually makes me want to hug a transformer (That will never happen). That aside, here I was on a blind date with some 20 something year old slay queen (I wonder in what kingdom she is a queen of or what she actually slays for that matter). Every indication was that she was a wannabe, the 18 till I die kinda girl, the modern day version of Cleopatra.

So I asked her what she liked doing in her spare time and she answered without flinching that eating was her hobby. You should have seen my pupils narrow, my jaws drop and it took every ounce of energy in my body to fake a smile and pretend as if the muzzled surprise was an approval of her “well meaning” hobby. I had long given up on the dating thing. Nothing excited me anymore. My idea of fun was walking into a club on sunny Saturday afternoon, sitting in a strategic corner, sipping on my favourite local beer and watch or rather form opinion of people. It’s a peculiar habit I know but one which gives me great satisfaction. It makes me understand the behaviour of humans before and after they get intoxicated. It also makes me understand just how uniquely different we are as a human race.

Back to my slay queen.

She had the physique and the presence. The fake eyebrows though were a turn off. Her cleavage laid bare for all (I suspect one of her friends lied to her that it was a sure way of keeping me hooked). From the way her clothes hugged her body and the uncomfortable way with which she walked, it was clear the shoes were borrowed. I am not particularly a funny person so you can imagine how incensed I got every time she laughed at my supposed “jokes”. I mean, the son of the retired general is not good at cracking jokes!

So how exactly is eating a hobby? I asked, finally getting her to open up about her miserable life (Alright, I get it. Don’t give me that look. I can be quite cold at times). I was already getting bored. She was clueless about current affairs, her role model was Kim Kardashian, her goal in life to become the next Vera Sidika. To her, Vera Sidika is the epitome of beauty, the very definition of success and the representation of woman power. Like seriously, what happened to the girl child?

What happened to the good old girls who dreamt of pursuing education to whatever level, pursuing a dignified career, being a role model to their younger siblings or actually being the pillar of homes as our mothers were? What we have now are the wannabes who crave for attention on Instagram with semi-nude pics, whose favourite meal is pizza, zero cooking skills, fake eyebrows, empty brains and trying too hard to fit in. They loathe anything books, deem a simple dinner date in a downtown hotel a travesty, and are ready to throw their cheap bodies to you at the sight of a crispy shiny note. Holy Moly!

Well, such is life. Who am I to even purport to be the moral police? We all have our lives to live. Don’t we? Let me stop ranting and get back to my sleazy 20 something blind date. “What are your likes and dislikes?” The question brought me back from wherever my mind had wandered. I actually begin to think that we finally can talk about something interesting you know. My response, “I like pretty much everything” This vague answer was actually meant to provoke the next question but to my utter dismay, she simply smiles and shrugs it off. What a dumb ass!

“What about the dislikes?” At this point, it was clear to me this conversation was actually heading nowhere. You see, I love to have an intelligent conversation with a woman. I love a woman who can sell to me something more than her luscious lips, her exposed cleavages or fake mascara. That’s just me. The aesthetics don’t just cut it. That said, I finally get to tell her that I dislike people who spell my middle name incorrectly. “Spell or write?” she poses the question surprised. Well, the spelling is actually reflected in the writing. My middle name is Samwel with a “W” and not Samuel with a “U”. I know it’s funny but it kinda gets to me. Write my name well because if you don’t I would actually be staring in the dark on my bed wide awake at night thinking of a thousand reasons as to why a human being couldn’t get a simple thing right. Like seriously, you only had one job for crying out loud!

She goes ahead to tell me that I am weird and that such things shouldn’t make me lose sleep at night. At this point I feel like telling her the time I just spent with her will actually make me lose my sleep at night. I would probably be lying on my bed wondering how at my age I could seriously waste my cool two hours listening to this bimbo. But then again, the end justifies the means! Doesn’t it?

“I also love polygamy or rather it’s ingrained in me”, I continued. At this point she was genuinely surprised. All this talk of a real man or gentleman simply doesn’t cut it for me. You see, human beings are a hypocritical lot. Ever wondered why people deem their new catch better than the last one? Isn’t that madness? So you’ve had like 10 boyfriends/girlfriends and somehow, in some twisted way, a new boyfriend/girlfriend is always better than the last one. Oh he is sweet, he opens doors for me, he doesn’t snow, he doesn’t cheat, he prays 3 times a day, he only drinks on weekends, he is good in bed bla bla bla. So why then do you have a long list of them? Do they kind of mutate every time? Jesus!

At this point she was visibly getting bored or rather wondering what really prompted her to come to this blind date thing. Here was a guy who was less interested in her goodies that she was displaying and yapped on end about how a misspell of his middle name makes him want to die. “So do you want to know if am circumcised?” I blurted out. It was an out of the blue kinda question. Something she wasn’t expecting and I think this was it. She made up her mind she wasn’t going to deal with this strange son of a bitch and politely told me something that went like “My mom doesn’t like it when I stay out late so I have to go”. “It was nice talking to you”.

Me: Did you know I have a wife?

Her: What?

Me: You heard me

Her: Then why did you come for this date? I feel used

Me: But I didn’t as much as touch you!

She waves her hand, clicks and walks out in a huff!

I motion to the waiter and tell her to get me Dirty Martini 2 doubles. That went well. Didn’t it?

A lost battle

By Norah Peter

I was standing right in front him, fully exposed and with nothing to hide with. 
Fear, shame and insignificance were running through my mind.
I was feeling so small and helpless, with nowhere to run
this was all a making of my own choice, and I had to face it head on.

He was not alone; there were three of them when I walked in.
Anticipation and expectation were floating in the room
I was smiling to hide my fear, and rubbing my hands to calm my nerves.
After all these years, I was ready to face my fears even while trembling

So, I walked out with the tail between my legs, and my head low.
Failure finally had a sound, sadly it was the sound of my shoes hitting the floor
I was walking out of the battle field wounded, wondering if I was ever made to fight
Vulnerability had it way, and I learned I can't win fighting alone

And when our eyes met today, there were unanswered questions behind his unbowed gaze
Self hatred run swiftly in my nerves, and I wanted to cease to exist
but I was forced to look into my failure, and not let it determine my fate.
This was a lost battle, but I'm definitely not a looser!

I'll rise up,show up and fight any time I'm needed to. Despite my past failure

Before it even began..

By Norah Peter

I would always stare at my cell phone for an hour or so before falling asleep; hoping that you would call. The last time we met I remember seeing fear in your eyes, but you assured me, you were perfectly fine. I was hoping you would say, you felt the same way as I did about you. Unfortunately; it didn’t happen; perhaps it’s because you had your arms wrapped around another woman waist and I was too blind to see.

I have not seen you since then, but I still dream of the day I will see you again.  Somehow I have this strange feeling that you are thinking of me. You are what I envision a home to be. You have always stood taller than the four walls of a house and you complexion is way brighter than any wall paint I have ever seen before.

I wait for that day when you will come and confirm my observation of you the last time we met and that it was true that you were scared. I hope that somehow when you look into my eyes you will realize the feeling was mutual.   I am waiting to hear you saying that, you lied when you said you were perfectly fine. Trust me, I understand where you were standing; I probably would have said the same thing if you asked me first. 

I want to take things lightly and allow things to automatically fall into place.  I am someone who likes things to be properly organized all the time; nothing frustrates me in my life than this part of my life that is yet to fall into place.  I have tried to put this piece of my life everywhere and it is yet to fit anywhere. Like a piece of fine china that has not found a proper display in the living room I have shoved my feeling behind the shelves to maintain a proper look to the on lookers. This is how I manage to look like I got it all together with the hidden pieces behind. I go on for days without looking into this piece for my peace of mind. But I wonder, am I trying too hard? Because I do not want to try too hard.

Sometimes I wish I could sleep with my front door slightly open so that when you gain courage to walk out of where you abode you would not bother to knock the door. But I am the kind of girl who goes by the book, and I have grown to believe that things should be done in the right way, and that a guy should be brave enough to pursue a girl. Making things easy for you, where you will not use your God given charm to get into me will not be good for us in the long run. My mother taught me that, and as I walk in and out of relationships that do not work I found that statement to be true over and over again.

The risk is, maybe you will never be courageous enough to come to me, or all this is just my imagination and there is nothing mutual between us. What I take as fear in your eyes could actually be pity; you pitying me for looking at you with so much hope that there could be something between us. I have even come to a place where I am wondering whether I am good enough for this or that I am aiming too high. Every time I think of that I damn the day I looked at you, because I know if I never looked I wouldn’t be so lost in this pit of imagination. Probably I would be settled somewhere mediocre.

Believe me; you are worth the risk and the wait. You are the four walls I am willing to reside my heart and you are the perfect hands I will comfortably be held by.  I know there is a chance that nothing will ever happen between us and that hurts badly.  My optimistic side is glad that I risked with a glance because I finally got a rough sketch of what I want love to look like.

When you come you better be ready to hear me out; even though all I have is a bunch of sad stories that I am willing to tell through the night and a lot of tears to cry out since it has been a while since I had a shoulder to cry on. After all this time I will not allow fear to paralyze my arms from having a perfect grip on you. I will also not let my not so perfect past to ruin the present moment I will share with you.  I am always updating my music library with emotion attached to every song. And the funny part is I have all the lyrics memorized.  I promise to punch you on the face for keeping me waiting this long and turn me into a poet who never wants to be discovered.

Well, until you are here am taking the risk, fully knowing that I might end up losing but I am willing to live with the fact that I risked. I risked looking, I managed to see and I was brave enough to wait and not settle for anything that does not resonate with what I saw.  You have changed what home means to me, you redefined four walls and if that is the only part you were meant to play in my story you did it so well. You are the four walls to me, you presence is home and I am glad you got to be a part my story. 

The Pandora's Box

Dear Diary,

I never told anyone this before. But today, right now, I am going to tell you everything.

I am not what everybody thinks I am. I am not the woman you dreamt of or the kind that men dream of for that matter. In fact am the lady your mama warned you about and ironically, your father highly recommended. I wait for nothing, I wait for no one. Do not fall in love with me unless you’re ready for a good damn fight. I will not submit to every word you say. No, I am not that woman; I am not like the woman you read in fairy tales or watched in fictional movies who would, as expected of her, obey and give in to the whims of her husband’s wishes. I am irrational, I speak my mind and as such, you should be ready to defend your points.

Falling for me will be easy, keeping me is what will be challenging. If you are ready then we start now, we fight against the routines, the bad habits and anything typical. But if you are not ready then you must know I will not wait for you to be ready. Am the one who knows how to move on. You can call me the one who got away because I m always running and never turns around to see if those I left behind are chasing after me. Yeah, I don't turn around because I learnt a while ago that when God closes a door against me, it is better for me to leave it closed than to keep Knocking on it. And if he gives me a key to open a door I shouldn't linger on the closed door but rather embrace the new opportunity.

I will never beg you to love me; I learnt that the hard way. There is no use in hopelessly trying to beg or make someone who is already on their way out to stay. I refuse to chase anyone who does not know my value. I wasn’t always this way. Trust me, I actually used to believe there was something romantic about fighting for someone. May be I was watching too much movies back then, but as I sit here with these stones on my chest, a place where hope used to lie, I realise there is nothing good about having to continuously convince someone to love you. I have come to realise I want to be loved unconditionally, I want someone who can hardly get through the day because he has not heard my voice; someone who cannot sleep because am not next to him. Someone who won’t leave or give up no matter what!

I am not an average girl who is often limited but never duplicated, so don’t come to me with an average girl talk, with your favourite colour and astrology signs (it’s boring). No, tell me about the things that keep you awake at night, the nightmares in your sleep and the knives on your back. Tell me what you see when you stand in front of the mirror. I have been off track so many times and I don’t even know where I am going but I try to understand my environment and the people in my life as much as I can. Greatness demands that I understand that am not as big as I thought myself to be but am capable of becoming far better than I have ever imagined I would be. 

I know I am not built up like a supermodel, have the lips like those of Angelina Jolie or the soft silk hair like that of an Indian actress but over the years, I have learnt to love myself unconditionally. Something that took me a great deal of effort so if you love me, love me as I am. Do not point the part of my body that you think should be reconstructed in an attempt to make me fit your fantasies.

I am very independent and I like being alone. I have control over my own shit and therefore in order to win me over your presence has to feel better than my solitude. Anything a man can give me materialistically, I can surely give it to myself. So, my definition of spoiling me is giving me your time, giving me experiences, unforgettable moments and giving me a  part of your life that you've never shared with anybody. A part that can never be bought or compromised. In this race, you will not only be competing with other people but also with my comfort zones.

Music is a big part of my life. Somehow, it has always remained the best way of letting out my emotions and frustrations. It is my escape from real life drama. Over the years, my taste of music has drastically changed from time to time but one thing that is clear is that I appreciate some genres of music more than others. I don’t just enjoy listening to music but I also love dancing and somewhere deep inside me, I still harbour hope that someday, I will become a professional dancer.

I don’t really enjoy reading. There you have it! Well, am sure you're wondering how that is possible considering that I have a bunch of books in my room. Well, let me tell you how this is possible. I don’t enjoy reading something am not interested in. I mean, I have spent half of my life in school being forced to read and consume tonnes of information that I wasn’t even interested in. Why would I want to do it to myself now that I know what i want? So yeah I read but only the things that interest me. After all, I find audio books and videos more suitable than actually reading; perhaps it’s because they allow me to multitask.

Well, people say I have a bad memory. But I don’t really think I do. It’s just that my brains like to remember a lot of pointless stuff, facts, jokes and loads of crap that really don't matter and forget the important stuff that actually matter. Thanks to technology, we now can put reminders on our mobile phones and computers so guess what? Problem solved!

I am always so busy; in fact my life is busier that it should be. I think I began to pile up a lot of responsibilities when I was lonely in order to feel the void space. And in a way, it did serve the purpose but  somehow, I felt disappointed when  my work seemed like it did not make a difference or it did not bring the best out of me. So, I kept adding things to my plate in an attempt to bring a significant difference and make myself feel better. Before i knew it, i had a lot of small extra curricula activities that eat up all my time and I don’t even have time to socialise (no wonder I have not gone on a date in ages). As much as I would like to change this in the near future, I feel all these activities are part of me and if I stop doing any of them, then am losing the opportunity to make a difference. I don’t know what I will do but am working on a plan.

Well, they say the truth is something that is told, not something that is known; and today, I have given you my truth or at least part of it. I am sure you are wondering why I told you this. Well, perhaps it has something to do with the odd empty feeling I had when you first asked me on a date. Not a bad sort of emptiness but the akin to lack of enthusiasm. Like when you have been in pain for so long and suddenly you realise you are not anymore and you just don’t really care what follows next. After all, nothing lasts forever.