Unposted letter...4

Dear diary,

The best kind of love is unexpected, unexplainable, undeniable and unimaginable. I will never forget Jonathan’s sweet scent; it will always remind me of the love we once shared. I knew our love had no guarantees, no way of knowing what the future healed for us, so I gave myself to him fully. I wanted to enjoy the moment as much as I could because some things don’t last forever. We had so many wonderful moments together, each day was chained to the previous one.... I was convinced that anyone who ever believed a minute was faster than a decade did not know who much a minute can mean when you are with the person you truly love.

I can never begin to explain how painful it was when the time for us to part came. Jonathan and I lived in different countries, chances of us seeing each other were so minimal, I remember the week before we part ways I would cry every night when I thought of how far apart we were going to be. It was so painful for us to separate, it was as if I had forgotten my life before Jonathan, our souls were connected, may be they had always been and always will be connected. We promised to keep the communication alive. He took me to the airport when the day arrived and I left while he remained behind.

When I got home Tobby was so happy to see me, it had been two months since we last saw each other but I was not happy. I felt like too much was going on in my life..... It was like my inside did not match up with my outside, I didn't know who I was at that time; I was more confused than when I left. Tobby was so excited about my return; he wanted to know every detail of my trip. I really couldn't tell him what really happened after all I was cheating on him so I came up with a fabricated story. my communication to Jonathan was perfect, we kept our long distance relationship a secret, I could not tell anyone about me and Jonathan because no one wound understand and I didn't feel like I needed to explain because I knew in my heart how real it was.  When I thought of him I could not stop smiling, he had completed me in a way no one could ever do, he had made me a better person, a much happier person.

Dear diary, Shakespeare was right all along when he said love will kill you in the end, my communication with Jonathan was almost perfect in the beginning. sometimes I think I fell deeper in love when we were apart than when we were together. we would spend a better part of a day chatting. He would never sleep without sending a goodnight message; he would never hide anything from me even if we were miles apart. There are times I even entertained the thought of us spending the rest of our lives together. It was a very beautiful love. A month after my return I began to feel dizzy, tired without any good reason. I decided to go to the hospital and to my shock I was told I was six weeks pregnant. I knew for sure Jonathan was the father of the baby I was carrying but how was I going to break the news to Tobby, a guy who loved and trusted me with his life?? How was I going to tell my parents that I had turn out to be one of those girls who cheat on their boyfriend?

I decided it was time to distance myself from both of them until I decide what to do next so I went to my grandmothers place. Two weeks later I had made up my decision; I came back home, sat in front of my computer open my emails only to find about 30 emails from Jonathan!! Some of these emails said he had something important to tell me and it could not wait so he was in town and hopping to meet me. Then it hit me, my phone was off for two weeks, I switched it on and his messages kept flowing like river Nile, I called him back but he was not reachable, I kept thinking what was so important that he had to come tell me in person? I dismissed the thoughts and typed my email to him, telling him about my situation, that I was pregnant with his baby and I was sorry for not being around for the past two weeks.

I sat there waiting for his reply but there was no any reply. And the day after there was no reply and the week after there was no reply.... I kept asking my self... did I misread the signs?? Was he just using me?  How could he break all the promises he had made?? How could he be so cold after I told him I was pregnant with his child??..... So many questions but there were no one to answer..... No reply to any of my emails I had sent to him.....

Read continuation .....Unposted letter 5

Unposted letter ....3

Dear diary,

In my life I had never been sure of anything as much as I hoped that, one day I will be in love with a man who really loved me, the kind of love that was portrayed in romantic movies, a mutual affection but what mattered to me then was knowing I was in a relationship with a man who would do anything to make me happy. The truth is me and Tobby had nothing in common, we loved different things and we had very different interests. But if there is anything I had learned from my previous relationship was that, love is never about being the same, it was something deeper that, so I learned to enjoy our differences instead.

My mother always told me that, the only reason to get married to someone is because you love that person and can’t live without that person, if there is any reason besides that then you have to know marriage will be like hell to you and your partner. I really wanted to get married someday but cold I ever love anyone like the way my mother loved my farther? After two years in our relationship Tobby had proposed for marriage, yeah he did love me with all his heart... he would do anything for me but me on the other hand I felt like I was missing something... something that I was yet to know.... I guess wanted to explore more options before I make life time commitment after all I was still too young for marriage. I told him I needed time to think about it. He agreed, he was always patient with me.

My parents really loved Tobby, I think it was because he was different. A lot of people would not want to sturdy hard, work hard, go out and look for something, they would just sit and believe in luck but Tobby was one of those guys who believed that one must work hard to find their luck.  He believed that if you sturdy smart, work hard, take action and give your effort and your best it is a full guarantee that whatever your doing would work out for you. He was really a husband material, I kind of man children would be proud to call their father.

Dear diary, fate of your heart is your choice and no one else gets a vote. Few weeks later after I told Tobby I needed time to think about my decision to get married; I was to travel for business abroad, I thought this would be a perfect get away for me. I thought is will be a perfect time for me to think things over before I make a decision that might change my life forever. It never occurred to me I was about to meet a man who would change my life irrevocably.

So many people enter our lives, so many people leave our lives and all you have to do is to hold the door open so they can come in but it also means you have to let them go. When I was abroad I met my prince charming, the one I had always been dreaming about, he was named Jonathan. There was a lot of magic between us that I can never deny. I really cannot explain how I came to be with Jonathan or how we turned from being strangers to being lovers, all that I can say from this experience is  that; love is untamed force, when you attempt to control it, it destroys you. When you attempt to imprison it, it will somehow find a way to enslave you and when you attempt to understand it, it will always leave you feeling lost and confused than before. Before I knew it I was back to the old version of me “Sarah the cheater” God!! it was as if I was possessed with a demon or something.... I was cheating on Tobby just like the way I did to Bryson!!

I knew it wasn't right, it wasn't fair; I knew it was wrong in so many ways but I could not help it, not when Jonathan was in the same room with me. I can honestly say I could go two, three or even four days without wondering what Tobby was doing or even thinking about him unless I found his email or missed call. Did this mean I did not love him?? I kept asking myself that question every time I received his email,  message or call but I always decided it didn't for a simple reason that his image would ambush me when I least expected it reminding of all the beautiful moments we had shared.......

Read Continuation....Unposted letter 4

Unposted letter.......2

Dear diary,

There are times in my life where I have been an angel to some while the devil to other people, there are times when I have been a medicine to some and poison to others. When I was in relationship with Bryson I thought I was a victim of my satiation, I blamed him and sometimes I blamed myself for my unhappiness until I met Tobby and he made me realize that I was not supposed to be the victim of my own story, I was supposed to be a creator of my story. I was the one to sit behind the steering of my own life and take it where I wanted to go. The person I wanted to be did exist, the kind of impact I wanted to leave on others it was all up to me. Tobby was a wise young man who owned a series of small businesses in town. I must admit the speech he gave me that day changed my life.

I know you are wondering where Tobby came from and how we met. Well it happened that; one day I had gone to a club with Bryson, after dancing for a while I sat on a stool sipping my Bavaria while he went to the bathroom. Until that time it had never occurred to me that Bryson could be one of those guys with multiple girlfriends, as I was sitting there a beautiful lady approached me, she was friendly, she introduced herself as Glenn and asked me how I got to know the guy I was dancing with. I told her, he was my boyfriend and I had known him for a while... before she could tell me what she wanted to say, Bryson was already back and she just ended up saying “be careful he might not be what you think he is.” I didn't understand what she meant so I asked Bryson. I think this is where I flipped his controlling switch. He became so angry and started to shout telling me I should not be talking to strangers, before I could even tell my side of the story he had grabbed me by my arm and took me to out of the club.  I was scared I had never seen him like that before, so I kept quiet and I never asked about Glenn anymore.

A month later, the so called Glenn showed up at Bryson’s apartment. Luckily I was the one who opened the door when she knocked, before I could ask her anything Bryson was already there and he took her outside so that they could “talk.” When he got back in the house I asked him why Glenn came to his house and how did the so called stranger knew where he lived.  Instead of answering, he became so angry saying he does not want to talk about her. I was furious, it was one thing to make a mistake but it was another one to keep making it. From the way both of them behaved it was obvious there was something seriously wrong, something that Bryson did not want me to find out but Glenn was burning to tell me. I got mad and left his apartment, I went to a liquor store to buy something that will take my mind off Bryson for a while. This is where I met Tobby; I didn't even know what I wanted specifically but he was there to advise me on what would taste good, before I knew it we were talking about all kinds of alcohols in his store. When I was done he offered to walk me home, I was mad at Bryson and I thought I could really use a company.

Dear diary, as we were walking home I could not stop myself from thinking about Bryson and Glenn, I told myself if I didn't care, It wouldn't have been hurt so much but I did care so what was I supposed to do? It was at this point I knew I really needed someone to give me his/her views on the matter, maybe I was being paranoid, maybe I wasn't .. so I started narrating my love life to Tobby, he was a good listener. I guess that is what I really needed that night and every other night when I fought with Bryson, and every time I was upset with something. He was never tired of my endless stories, nor was he tired of advising me and encouraging me to take control of my life.

As the days went buy I became so close to Tobby, I began to cheat on Bryson, I admit it was one of those things that my parents would have been so disappointed if they knew it ever happened. There are times when I would sit alone in the dark wondering how I became one of those girls who would date multiple guys at a time. It was as if there was a beast that lived inside me, in the cavern where my heart should have been and every now and then it would fill every inch of my skin with those evil desires that I could not help myself from doing something that was inappropriate.

It had begun with one kiss and I didn't know how to stop, it was like one of those things you start and then you grow out of control. You want to get rid of it because it is hurting you and everyone around you but every time you try to end it , it consumes you again. I wanted to stop, get rid of Tobby because having him around made things between me and Bryson worse, I started lying and I could not stop myself from lying more every day, I didn't even know who I was anymore.

This went on until I could not take it anymore, I ended things with Bryson. The truth is Tobby helped me a lot in this, he even helped me to get a new job. It was the beginning of my new life or so I thought...

Read continuation...Unposted letter 3

Unposted letter........1

Dear diary,

Each and every one of us has a story to tell, a story that would teach someone something, a story that might encourage someone in whatever trouble they are going through. I have so much to say to you, I want to begin in the very beginning of everything because I want people to learn from me, I want to tell you everything without leaving a single detail. I know some people leave in a world of regrets, I know some people have been blaming themselves for things they did in the past and they cannot undo them. I was there too and then I learned that each and every person will have such moments at one point or another, it is a dark side of us we have to accept and try to bring light into it. What defines a person with a good character is not a spotless life of constant kindness, similes and temperament but the yearning to learn from their mistakes because at one point or another we are all bound to make mistakes.

My story began pretty much 27 years ago when I was born; I come from a very religious Christian family.  With My Father was a pastor and my mother was a teacher, me and my siblings where bound to be one of those children who would be pointed finger at in case we did something stupid. We never missed church nor school unless you were too sick to even open your eyes. I had a very normal childhood except for the fact that I was not allowed to have a boyfriend until when I was 20 years old (weird I know).

By the time I was 20 I had graduated from college and I was on the road searching for my very first job. Luckily I secured a job on one of the few good company in my region, it was somewhere out of town. When I got there on my first day and I was introduced to a lot of people but there was one guy who caught my attention, this person was my immediate boss. He was a young man, about seven years older than I was. Apart from just being young, handsome and smart he seemed to be shy. I was told shy guys make the perfect husbands and I was just about to test the validity of the theory. After my first week in job he offered to take me out to celebrate (through a text), I agreed and this was my very first official date in my entire life. After sometime me and my boss (Bryson) started dating. He was my first official boyfriend.

Dear diary, for some falling in love is a game, for some it is their lives that is why the rules of falling in love are overlooked, many hearts are broken and intentions are always different. My love life with Bryson was okay until he became super jealousy. I don’t know what happened but I began to live under his constant sport light, He would not allow me to talk to any man, at first I thought he was just being a man but it got worse  as the days went by. He became so controlling; he would want to know my every move and sometimes restrict me from going in some places which made me feel like a prisoner somehow. He would want to know who I was on the phone with, who I was texting and so on and so forth. It was suffocating, I loved him but I wanted to do things on my own with no one on my back every now and then but I couldn't  we were together almost 24 hours of our day, I was not used to that.

Among the many things I had learned in my life was, just like in racing your life will go where your eyes are. If you focus on problems you will have more and more of those problems but if you focus on solutions then your life will be so much easier. I know you are wondering how does this relate to racing, well in racing, a car go where the drivers eyes go. A driver who cannot tear his eyes from the wall as he spins out of control will meet that wall; but those who look down the track and feel tires break free are bound to regain the control of a vehicle. I really wanted to regain my freedom again but I didn't know how since I was dating my boss and I was not about to be jobless again.

As I was trying to find a way to break free of Bryson... I came across a wonderful man named Tobby......

Read continuation "unposted letter 2"

Hope: Why You Should Never Throw In The Towel!

Hope, it is said, is the last thing that dies in man. I don’t know about you, I don’t know what you consider of utmost important in life, I don’t know of your social inclinations, of your tribulations, triumphs or moments of great trials. What we must all concur is that we are where we are today because of one single word called “hope”. In some twisted way, I never quite really fathomed the towering role that hope plays in our lives. I had other big ideas, other greater things I wanted in life. I longed for a good education, a good wife, a nice car, a big home, tons of servants at my beck and call and everything in between that made living life a luxury. I, like everyone else, had forgotten the most fundamental thing in life.

I had given a wide berth the concept of hope and what it essentially meant in my life. What I didn’t know was that though unacknowledged, hope drove everything in my life. It was the reason I looked towards a new day, the reason I worked hard, the reason I had this overriding desire to do everything within my power to achieve my goals. Unbeknown to many, most of us are unhappy because we have failed to clearly outline what we want in life. Unfortunately, this affects every facet of our lives. We want an awfully beautiful woman (which is fine by every means) and give little attention to character and personality. We are solely concerned with aesthetics and rarely give thought to what we need for the long term.

We want to get the best education but rarely put efforts to make that education count. We have become a bunch of pretenders to the throne. In simpler terms, our lives are a perfect camouflage of the decisions we make. We strive hard to get admission to a high end university and thereafter engage in sex for marks or become experts at cheating in exams. What happens in the end? We get the degree (papers) we want but lose in getting the education we went there for. In essence, we fail to achieve what we ultimately hoped for. I could go on and on giving examples that mirror our society but that is a story for another day. What is hope? The free online dictionary defines hope as “a feeling of expectation and desire for a particular thing to happen.”

We all have our desires, our expectations, and a list of things we wish or hope to achieve. We are, in essence, driven by hope to go through difficult circumstances, to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds and to quintessentially make our lives better. When I view my life in a mirror lens, I see that everything in my life is a total summation of the hope I’ve had and have, of my innermost desires to make my life better, and ultimately the expectations I have. Take a look at those who are in hospitals, those who are maimed and within an inch of their lives, those who have no food to eat but still soldier on, those who have tarmacked for a job with no success, those who have been hurt, those who are homeless, the destitute, the downtrodden and many more. What is the common denomination?

In all of them, what keeps their dream alive is the hope for a better tomorrow, the belief that things will be better even in the midst of a storm. These are people who are not about to be defeated by what life throws at them. they have hope that things will change for the better, that any tribulations they are facing is temporary and that tomorrow is always a good day. They do not look at their tribulations, their sufferings or their shortcomings as a permanent incarceration but rather a temporary one. In life, whether rich or poor, perfectly healthy or bed ridden, incapacitated or in perfect state, white or black, tall or short, the truth of the matter is that without hope we are walking dead. We are simply a shell of our former selves, a shadow of what we once were. 

Don’t lose sight of what you want in life, don’t give up on a friend who needs your support, a partner who has stood by you in good and bad times, an employee who has espoused the potential to turn things around if given the chance, a person who looks up to you. Be steadfast, trust in God, hope for the best but don’t lose track of the current tribulations. Make your life worthwhile even if things seem not to go your way. With hope you can overcome the worst of tribulations, overcome seemingly insurmountable odds, and achieve your dreams. When things get hard as sometimes they would, don’t lose HOPE!

Are You Tired Of Dealing With Hypocrites? – It’s Time to Let Go

If you are like me, chances are that you detest hypocrites and basically do not approve of anything they advocate, say or mutter under any circumstance. Of course, there is something nauseating about hypocrites, something that simply puts a person off, something more like pure mediocrity. Chances are that you’ve encountered a hypocrite in your life or you simply one of them but can’t tell. In as much as I have my own reservations, my saving grace lies in the fact that I have a liberal kind of mind. I try as much not to lean on one side when making objective arguments. However, I haven’t been completely impartial and inadvertently, more often than not, allow my human nature to catch up with me.

I am under the presumption that everyone knows who a hypocrite is. Of course an encounter with a hypocrite be it a friend, an acquaintance or a family member is never a pleasant one. In my opinion, it’s a game changer especially when exhibited by a person you always considered as a friend, a lover or someone who was in the inner core of your cabinet (if you know what I mean). In layman terms, a hypocrite is that person who is two-faced or exhibit what I refer to as double standards. This is an individual who says one thing in public but end up doing the opposite in private. 

They would tell a person or a group of people one thing and end up telling the opposite to another. They are masters of seeking favors, always saying what you want to hear and consistently holding a different opinion when with different people. A hypocrite is that kind of person who says different things to two different people with the hope of being accepted by both. Now I don’t know if you have a problem with that but I surely do. Hypocrites can be annoying, blood suckers, and more often than not take your intelligence for granted. They lie to achieve their own whimsical twisted ambitions and before they know it, the lies they tell become their lives.

Some might put forth that we are all hypocrites; that we all say things that we do not espouse or follow. Mildly, that could be true. The truth of the matter is no single person needs to entertain a hypocrite in their life. You must be objective, you need to choose friends you can trust, friends you can depend on with your life and quit entertaining friends who laugh with you during the day but stab you in the back the very chance they get. It’s painful when you find out that someone is stuck in a hypocrisy rut. Always lying and twisting people emotionally for their own good. 

Such friends will play the victim card; exploit your emotions to the extent that you inadvertently become their puppets. You live under the illusion that they are your close friends, individuals you can fall back to or simply that lovely friend you can seek comfort during rough times. The truth of the matter is that they are good at character assassination, always talking ill of you to someone else and coming back to you saying how bad the other person is. Such people never take responsibility for their short comings and are always more than ready to point an accusing finger. They come with a bag full of excuses, they never grow up, they are in a dangerous cycle, a cycle that slowly consumes and ultimately blinds them into believing that what they are doing is right.

They have become the ultimate pretenders, are adept at sowing seeds of discord and painting the image of holier than though. If you have one of such friends or lover, its time you let go. I always say that there is no need having a person in your life who does not add value to you. There is no need having someone who undermines you every chance he gets, speaks ill of you every chance he gets and tries to get favor in the eyes of everyone. The truth is you can’t make everyone happy. Sooner or later, people will learn what you truly are. I mean, if you can’t be true to your friends, always assassinating their character, what more do you stand for?

I am tired of hypocrites who talk of loving and providing service to others when all they do is love and serve themselves. You need to say no to friends who only share in your joys but disappear when you are facing difficulties. You need to say goodbye to friend who have perfected the art of double speak, friends whose sole goal in life is arm twisting, friends who laud your successes during the day but demonize the same during the night. You need people around you that you can trust, friends or lovers you can depend on when the going gets tough, friends who can go out of their way just to see you happy.

I know sometimes it’s difficult to tell a hypocrite. Most of the times, they have managed to arm-twist you, to make you believe in their false promises and causes. However, you must not resign yourself and lend credence to their false masks. You need to analyze, ascertain and determine who your true friends are. If you are a hypocrite and you are stuck in the rut, its time you became true to yourself. Aspire to live for something or you will die for nothing. The good thing is that every hypocrite has an end game. You cannot keep living a lie among your friends forever. At some point, the truth will come out. If you realize a friend, a lover or someone you consider close is a hypocrite, the logical thing to do is distance yourself from them. After all, they never were really your friends, they simply were your enemies clothed in friends attire. Say no to hypocrites today! It’s my sincere hope that hypocrites can indeed change. It’s never too late!

I brought it upon my self......3

Dear diary,

I met Mr. Teacher when I was so lonely and I guess I just wanted to feel special again. He was so caring and lovely, he would not stop calling and compliment me, something that my husband had forgotten ever since he was handled over the company. My loneliness made me feel like we had something in common, a natural chemistry may be, that feeling you get when you know something big is going to happen, like you are bound to be with that person. Psychologists call this kind of feeling narcissistic love, the kind of love where you are really sure it is true but when the dust has settled later on you begin to ask yourself that stupid question “what was I thinking??” in which the answer is usually : you weren't.

Mr. Teacher was my first true love and as we all know a woman’s first true love never really go away even if you are not speaking to them anymore. They stay there like phantoms that dwell in the corners of our new love stories, never entirely vanishing from sight, they materialize in our minds whenever they please. Over the years I had learn to love Jason  the truth is by the time I met Mr. Teacher my love for Jason was so much greater than the love I had for Mr. Teacher but I was blinded by the loneliness and my desire to search for happiness. I knew Jason loved me for sure but was not around all the time so I just wanted to use Mr. Teacher to make myself happy (it was so wrong) but I didn't care.

When I got back from the trip, the man I married had returned with his full attention on his family, I began to feel guilty over what had happened when I was away. There are times I would lie awake at night trying to figure out what to do about my complicated love life, if I should tell Mr. Teacher that there was no us or if I should confess to Jason or If I should do both. I wanted to tell Jason everything, but I knew I would hurt him too much so I buried everything inside and let it hurt me instead. maybe if I had been able to, maybe we could have lived differently, maybe I would have been with him now instead of being here alone wondering what will become of us at the end of all this. I had never kept a secret that big from my husband and now it was consuming me. On the other hand I didn't know how I was going to tell Mr. Teacher that we were done, so I lived in a constant danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified that every choice make might be the wrong choice.

Dear diary, as if all this was not enough, two months later Mr. Teacher called telling me he was in town and he desperately needed to see me. After thinking for a very long time I decided that I was going to meet him. I had made up my mind; it was time to tell him the truth. Our meeting had to be a secret; I couldn't tell Jason I was going to meet him because he knew how much I used to love him. I feared it would have made him insecure or something. When the day arrived I went to our meeting point as we agreed. It was in a restaurant somewhere out of town; Jason had called to tell me that he would be late since he was going to dinner with some of his business partners. I told him I was going to see a friend in the neighborhood (which of cause was another lie that I regret to date).

That night for the first time in my life I was ashamed of myself when I saw Mr. Teacher approaching my table, I was never used to feel that way, I was used to feel shy whenever I saw him. I think that was when I really knew the difference between shy and shame, shyness is when you turn your head away from something you want but shame was when you turn your head because you know you don’t deserve what you have. I didn't deserve the love Mr. Teacher was offering neither did I deserve the love and all the sacrifices my husband had made for the sake of our marriage.

I knew if I would not tell him that night I probably was going to die of stress, so I told him everything, I still remember the look on his face. He was so disappointed in me but I was ready for that, what I wasn't ready for, was to answer my husband as to what was going on. It happened that, Jason was actually having dinner in the same restaurant I had agreed to meet Mr. teacher... he saw me from the very first minute I stepped in to the restaurant, so when Mr. Teacher left the table angry he came to me asking me what was up and why I did lie to him about my “secret meeting with Mr. teacher”.

So many times it seemed like I had chances to stop things before they become worse, but on that day I knew all those chances where gone and whatever I said would not make a difference. I told my husband the whole truth, about my loneliness, and the affair but the love he had for me died the same day I killed the love Mr. Teacher had for me. Since then, we have never stopped arguing which is so much affecting our daughter Janice. I hear he has an affair with his assistant but then what do I do?? I started it and I surely regret it. He travels around the world with his assistance, she even chooses what he wears and what he eats, it’s like he does not notice me anymore........ I just wish I knew all this was going to happen, I just want a second chance to make things right...I just hope it is not too late for us.....

The end

I brought it upon my self...2

Dear diary,

I, like any other stupid woman, fell in love with Jason perfect aspect of his personality. Who wouldn't ? The guy had the best qualities any woman would die for... it was like Mr. Perfect had been brought to reality. There are times that I would look at his achievement and thought I was the smartest woman on earth for landing such a smart man, maybe it is because he also made me feel that way. But the truth is, I wasn't.  I never took time to ask myself if I could accept his flaws. Yeah he had a lot of best qualities but like any other human being he had his own flaws that I never bothered to find out until it was too late.

They say marriage becomes hard work once you have poured the entirety of your life’s expectation for happiness in to the hand of one mere person. I was used for my life being that way, for Jason to be this guy who would be responsible for my happiness. When his father died and had to run the company on his own, it was a really heavy task for him because he needed to make sure the company was doing well for the sake of his younger siblings. He is a hard worker. He worked too hard that he barely had time for his family. He was always on a business trip if not business meetings. I bet he even forgot how my food tasted. He would leave very early in the morning and return very late when everybody was a sleep. There are days that he would fall asleep in his office while I was in the bedroom, there are days that he would forget that he had a daughter who needed his love. I became lonely, may be too lonely and unhappy. I needed to be happy, suddenly all the things he could afford did not seem to have any meaning.

Dear diary, I was always taught that the pursuit of happiness was my natural or even my birth right. It is the emotional mark of my culture to seek happiness. I wanted to find happiness at all cost. Since money was not  a problem I arranged a trip abroad to visit my cousin with my daughter. When the day came I took Janice and went to the airport, for the first time in many months Jason offered to accompany us. I arrived at my destination (Hawaii) safely, my cousin so happy to see us. She had arranged a number of places for us to visit when we were staying there. It was a lovely idea I must admit. I suddenly forgot how boring my marriage had become.

Sometimes life is too hard to be alone and sometimes life is too good to be alone, I had tasted the bad side of being alone after my husband turned in to a workaholic and now it was time to taste the good side of being alone. On the following day we went to Waikiki beach. It was a beautiful beach but it even became more beautiful when I bumped into my former high school teacher that I really loved. Yeah Mr. Teacher, he was even more handsome now, more of a gentleman than I ever thought. He was wearing a floral short and a white t shirt that made it impossible for anyone not to notice his strong muscles underneath. We exchanged contacts and since then it became impossible for us to stop communicate.

Most things are forgotten over time, the war, the pain, life and death struggles people went through may all seem like something from a distance past once you have got that one thing you have always been dreaming of. If I knew all this was going to be something that I could never take back I wouldn't have done it, I lied to Mr teacher, I told him I was married and I had a child but me and my husband where considering a divorce (I know it was a stupid thing to say but I really wanted to keep him longer by my side), I fabricated a lot of painful stories that made him feel sorry for me. He was divorced so he started having this idea of us spending the rest of our life together after y divorce.

After a month I traveled back home, it was nice to be home again but there was a problem; my husband had hired other two people to help him manage the company under the excuse of wanting to spend time with his family. This is where everything really turned upside down, Mr. Teacher was getting really serious and my husband was ready to be a family man again.........

Read continuation "I brought it upon myself 3"

We All Get Wiser With Time: Look At The Positive Aspect Of Life!

When I was young, all I could think of was how I was going to conquer the world. I could picture myself in the shoes of the great, the history makers, the movers and shakers, the de la cream of the society. I derided or rather ridiculed failure. I was, in simple terms, way over my head. Of course, I was young at the time which basically meant that I could not fully comprehend the realities of life. I held the belief (in ignoramus at the time) that the issue of poverty could be easily resolved by the government printing as much money as possible and distributing it to its citizens. Back then, I had not had the opportunity to learn the scarcity of money concept or even how inflation came about. I was, in retrospect, wallowing in my own ignorance.

I castigated people for what I thought is right, looked down on others simply because I was ignorant and upheld others even when their character was wanting. Some of you might think that am being hard on myself, that I need not hold myself responsible for the skewed way in which I viewed things at the time. Of course you are right (or I like to think that you are). I have come to learnt that what we are today is a total summation of our environment, our outlook in life and sometimes the influence of those people close to us. I was pretty a bright chap right from elementary, I loved the feeling of being tops, of taking home presents every end of the term. At the time, it meant the world to me. I was not a wayward child; I loved reading anything with words scripted on it.

What I didn’t know was that my transformation had started. What I can’t really recall was whether the transformation was positive or negative. I began curving an image alien to myself. The once jovial son of the retired general cut a lonely figure. I became more immersed in my own world, I no longer found company interesting, I did not deride pleasure in group activities, and I was quite the peculiar child. At some point, my parents were concerned. They indulged me to open up, to let out what it is that was bothering me. What they didn’t know at the time was that I was going through a phase of self reprisal. I had begun reflections at a tender age. In fact, I had become so good at it that I could judge anyone or anything that appeared in front of me. I was curious about everything.

I used to wonder why a 13 year old boy could tell an equally confused girl that they would marry one day. I mean, it beats logic but then as they say, there is something about “love” that goes beyond logic. I couldn’t quite figure out if they were under some form of illusion or if they simply confused lust with love or better still infatuation. Either way, I figured out that the best way to live my life is by simply not concerning myself with the activities of other people. This did not last for long. I was not immune to my environment as I had fallaciously meant myself to believe. The pressure was immense, the atmosphere infectious, the dye cast. The son of the retired general had (by all means) to come out of his self inflicted alienation. Come out I did, but I never quite shook off the peculiar attitude I had on people. It was if I had been cursed to lead a certain kind of life.

As I take stock of what i am today, the far I have come, I don’t know whether to be grateful or sorry. I find it quite surprising that today I should castigate or rather uphold the man that I am today. I have been down more than I could ever imagine, I have been happy a good time of my life, I have cried most of the times, laughed with reckless abandon, engaged in mischief for the love of it, passed my exams at times, disappointed with it at times but I never was really disillusioned about the whole aspect of me and life. I think in all fairness that I was contented with my life. That should be enough right? It isn’t. Right now it’s like am in a rut. It’s like am undergoing a midlife crisis yet am so young. I have trust issues, i am always suspicious. I worry too much about tomorrow, about my place on the table, about my love life, my achievements, my regrets and so on and so forth.

I know I need to get my act together. At this point in time, I understand why the world is the way it is. I am more learned now. I base my arguments not on some skewed ignorant thinking but on analysis and understanding of the situation at hand. Deep down, I know am not alone in this. Chances are that many of you have been where I am now. A time when you question everything, when you feel like you have not done enough, like you have not been decisive enough, like you have not loved enough or ultimately worked hard enough. What do you do at such times? What do you do when you look up in the sky and all you see are the dark clouds? Do you let the moment carry you away? Dear diary, hope is the last thing that dies in man. Whether you are going through a difficult situation, feel overwhelmed by the current circumstances or feel like you are a failure, do not give up!

Regrets will always be there in so far as we are in this treacherous world. Don’t let the past dictate the present or determine the course of your future. When you fall into the rut as you would every once in a while, purpose to look at the positive aspect of it and give bad luck, bad decisions, and bad things you did a wide berth. And yes! We all get wiser with time! You can take consolation from that “dear diarians”