The side effects of love

 Dear diary ,

 Did you know that I rarely talk about love and everything that has to do with it? Lots of people don’t know this about me. May be that is because I have experienced so little love that I don't really know what to say about it. Or maybe it’s because I have been in so many heartbreaking relationships that I don't believe in love anymore. Lately every time I answer a question about love someone will tell me am too young to think of love in a way that I am, that I should think of it as a fairy tale, as something that can be so perfect so unique once I get my prince charming….but I don't think happily ever after is a realistic goal to anyone.

For some reason everyone is waiting for a soulmate, someone who will be their life time companion, someone who will complete them in a way no one else can. Someone who will awake their soul make them reach for more. Some claim to have found such a person and they are happy. These people will tell you, cannot say you have lived until you have loved someone with all your heart and soul. That the joy of finding love is worth the pain of searching for it, they will tell you that it’s better to put your heart on the line, risk everything and walk away with nothing than playing it safe. But for those of us who have been broken so many times than we can remember, know that for sure love is a lot of things and safe isn't one of them.

There are those who find themselves in wrong relationships, may be it is because they are terrified with the idea of being alone or scared of hurting the other person that they end up settling for loveless relationships, relationships that they don't enjoy, relationships they are not happy with and they stay trapped in their misery for month or even years. I have been in one of these myself… and it was the loneliest thing I have ever felt.  these people tend to believe there is no other person who will love them more or make them happier. They convince themselves that things will change for the better somewhere down the line but they don't. And then there are those who are in good relationships, they enjoy every part of it until circumstances intervenes and break their hearts into tiny little pieces making them wish they never enjoyed the relationship in the first place. Cursing love and everything that has to do with it, trying to forget how it all felt but unable to do it. Some may choose to spend the rest of their lives trying to find that love again.

Dear diary, if you have ever been heartbroken somehow you doubt your ability to love and to be loved, even if you manage to be happy again someday it makes you wonder if he/she will love you tomorrow the way he loves you today. Am still trying to put the pieces of my heart back together, nurse it may be so that it can someday love again, feel loved, experience it again, and maybe I can tell my grandchildren about love without thinking about the painful memories that accompany it. They say you can never really heal from the loss until you allow yourself to feel it. That if you learn to sit with loneliness and embrace it for the gift its… for what it is then it might turn into an opportunity for me to know me and how strong I can be, but so far I have only seen my weaknesses, am yet to see my strength…..

People look at me, admire me, think I have got it all together, that everything is going on fine… some wish to have my life, little do they know that it’s not fun being me, there is nothing good about all if it except for the part where I get to talk to you pour my heart to you. See you soon!!

Two in one

Dear diary,

There are two different people in my body, these two people used to be at peace or at least looked at things form the same angle until when things fell apart. Since then they have never agreed on anything not even the dreams that I dream or the food that I should eat. They fight against each other with an endless rage that take all of my energy: one person wants to live in the past even though wasn't so good, this person is somehow is stack in the past, and loves everything that is in it  while the other person want to forget the past, everything in it  and look toward the future ....

George Santayana once said, “those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it”, a part of me agree with him, without remembering the past it is impossible to learn from it, the past mistakes past experiences will not have any importance to you. Yeah that's the argument of one side of me, the side that refuses to let go of the past, the side that fight to hold on to the past memories, memories that used to bring smile to my face but now have become ghosts that hunt the same smile.  I do not want to repeat the past, I want to remember everything that happened and how it happened, it’s not easy since it means opening your wounds over and over again and afraid of doing what you used to do best since it might lead you back to where you used to be.

Of those who run form there past, none of them has been successful maybe it is because we all offspring of the past and must work hard to establish our path through it. The past is part of me; it makes me who I am today. Running form it does not just means I will be half dead but the past has a unique way of catching up with those who run from it, it overtakes the person you are, blotting out the future, the light in it, the hopes and dreams you once had until there is no path left except that which leads through it. The sooner you embrace it the better.

Then there is this other side that keep telling me that the past is hopeless, let’s call it side 2, it keep asking me how would my life be different if I didn't allow yourself to be defined by my past? (May be better than how it is now). According to it, at some point I may think that the past has something to tell me, I might think there is something in it for me, something for me to understand, make sense of it may be but, all that it will do it drag me down, bend me over backward and let the best chances to enjoy this life to go to waste.

For more than two decades I have woken up in the morning asking myself if today was my last day on earth how I will want to spend it, if I would want to do what I was going to do on that particular day, not once was my answer yes. But I still didn't change what I had planned to do on that day. I did things that lead me to where I am today; to the person I am today, broken, wounded and full of regrets.  If I was going to die today would I want to waste a single minute of my day in the past? Naah!! I wouldn't, so why leave in the past?

Dear diary, it is not that I do not want the future and everything it has to offer, it’s just that I don’t trust it, I trusted it in the past and it played dirty tricks on me, taking away from the one thing that mattered most leaving me with nothing but regrets. My mistrust for the future makes it hard for me to give up my past; I am used to the past though the pain in it feels like a fresh wound every time I remember it. Yeah there is something heavy, something in me that is build up like a stone that keep pulling me back every time I want to take a step forward, and I know it’s my past. But then its all I have, it’s all I have ever had, tomorrow might not be mine but no one can take my past form me and am enslaved to it.

Unfortunately for me, the clock is ticking..... Every minute that goes by add up to my past, my future recedes...possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting. But there is one thing that I will always be grateful for, knowing you and the son of the retired general..........!!! I love you

When plans turn to wishes..

Dear diary,

Every day we go to bed full of plans for the next day or our life in general, we plan for the future hoping we will someday enjoy the benefits of planning ahead. We plan what to wear, what to eat, what to do the next day, what time to wake up and the list goes on. But have you ever woken up in the middle of the night and wish you could walk away from your life? Have you ever thought what would have happen if you had a different life? Have you ever had that feeling that this life is not what you really had planned for yourself? Do you ever wish everything would have gone as you planned?

If you look around you will realize even the most well planned plan may fail, perhaps this is due to differences circumstances that conspire against those who lay the foundation of these plans, or may be the loop holes that are left when laying down the plan. For those who believe in fate will say it’s because planning its unnatural process, that normally things should happen as a result of coincidences or according to ones destiny. While those who believe in the power of planning will assure you it will be too late to dig a well when you are dying of thirst.

They say plans are essential part of human life. That is important to plan ahead because when the schemes are laid in advance even circumstances will fit in. Yeah I had it all planned out, my life, my future. When I was joining college I planned that by the time am done with college I will be engaged, married to a handsome guy one year later, have twelve children.. Yeah I love children and live a happily ever after. I thought if I will be a good girl, do everything that was supposed of me, I would end up with the right guy... I mean isn't it what everyone say? That you have to concentrate on being a good girl and not finding a right guy? But it never happened, the one guy I thought was good turned out to be not so good. It has been six good years since I laid down that plan, six years!!  And none of that had come to place, well except for graduating and securing a job in one of the multinational companies.

And then there are those nights that I lie awake on my bed, trying to plan my next move but then it hit me, none of the previous plans have ever worked!!! I begin to wonder what went wrong, felling like I have failed myself and those who are close to me, feeling like none of the plans I make today will be successful, may be something greater than me is conspiring against me, and that I might never be successful in any plan that I make, hoping desperately that the circumstances will improve but suspecting in my mind that I might die a failure.....Once I get such an encounter its becomes difficult to plan anything because I don’t trust yourself and at that moment the importance of planning ahead disappears.

My plans of having twelve children have now been trimmed to three..I hope it will not shrink to one or zero by the time I find that right wrong person for me. Somehow I don’t know how to handle the costly interruptions in my plans. May be its because I  don’t know how and why the doors in my life slams shut, the plans I plan get side tracked, why the love I thought I had ended.

Lately the thought of most of my plans ending in vein irks me. I am beginning to suspect even for those things that have fallen to place it’s not because of me planning ahead but they are the result of millions of coincidences that happened without my knowledge. May be it’s because I relied too much on planning and forecasting and underestimated the importance of random factors in the environment that might lead to the down fall of my plans. Either way I have made up my mind, planning it is not for me, am not going to plan anymore. This way failure will come to me as a complete surprise rather than being proceeded by long periods of worry and depression. I will take life as it comes, dear diary...no more planning...no more fight to complete my plans... see you tomorrow.

The union....

Dear diary,

Union is an act of joining together people or things. In life a union between one person to another or one country to another or one thing to another is very common. These unions are normally formed with an aim of bringing intense happiness derived from the mutual benefits of parties brought together but at times these unions become unpleasant to one or both parties. Normally when a union is severe the line of separation between  the two parties grow wider and wider, controversies set in bringing along the doubts that make its members to call into question as to why the said union was formed in the first place.

In human union can be between two people exchanging their vows in front of witnesses or two hearts that just fell in love with one another. At times it can be between two or more people who have found each other after long years of being apart and sometimes the union can be inform of friendship. In most cases we consider this to be a start of a mutual benefit relationship that would last for a very long time. If you have been in one of these unions you can remember how it made you feel complete, loved and wanted. How it made you a better person, how it gave you a purpose for life, a reason for existence.

Sometimes these unions are not just meant to bring love and purpose in life, they are also meant to be some sort of protection, to make one feel safe, to help on not feel alone. But when these unions do not serve the purpose intended by its members what can heal its members? Is it formation of another union with someone else? Or is it patience with the previous partner permitting him to be human, the patient that seeks to understand that everyone fails at one time or another?

Some will say it is better to look for another person to love, someone who will make you happy, give you what you deserve may be, but how would you know in the end it won't be just the same?  Others will say it is wise to give everyone time to correct their mistakes, that somehow that patience gives you the ability to hold on during rough times in any relationship rather than bailing out under pressure each time your partner fails to meet you half way. But until when will you be patient?

Dear diary I don’t know who is right on this and who is wrong, all I know is there is no pain equal to that of two people that once loved each other inflicting on one another. It’s a pain that cannot be treated by any medicine; it stays with a person as they wait to heal naturally. I also think it should be clear to all who have any possible intention of forming a union with another person that avoidance of this pain is the beginning of wisdom and happy life, for such a pain is strong enough to contaminate the rest of your lives leaving you with scars that are impossible to remove and at other times it may cripple you, taking away your ability to believe in someone else....

In the middle of nowhere

Dear diary,

Henry David Thoreau once wrote, “Not until you’re lost do we begin to understand our selves”. Its only when you are lost do you begin to find a direction of where you were going, where you were meant to be, but to find this you need to know where you come from. To know the right direction one must know where they want to go or what they want to do because if you do not know where you’re going any road can take you anywhere and you will be lost again and again. But where am I going? What do I want?

As we grow up we all have dreams of where we want to go, of whom we want to be when we grow up. These dreams keep changing year after year or at least mine used to. This year I would want to be a pilot and next year a nurse, and a musician a year after the other year a hooker and the other year a teacher. It kept changing may be as my awareness of how the world works increased or may be as I met someone i admired. But there is one dream that every child must bear when they are growing up, its dream to be a wonderful parents to their children, it’s a dream to be a wife or a responsible husband. The good thing about being a child is you never cared if this dream might break your heart into tiny little pieces, leaving you lost confused and alone you just wanted to achieve it. You believed love was so simple and easy until you grow up and experience the pain.

At times we find ourselves in a situation where we are not sure how we got there in the first place, may be its due to millions of coincidences that brought us there without our knowledge, or may be its because we were caught up in the moment and never paid attention to where we were going until we were there and we begin to wonder how we got there. At other times we let ourselves be lost; in our everyday activities in an ending pain at we attempt to get over it and sometimes in painful memories that never stop to hunt us. These situations can sometimes be painful messed up and other times they are complicated and you have no idea where to go or what to do.  

There are days that some of us look up and realize we are lost in a forest and our only hope is a sense of direction which we have no idea where we can get it from. For anybody who has ever been lost in life or lost in the deepest darkest pit of your own soul clinging to your memories of when you thought you knew who you are, where you are and where you wanted to go has felt the nagging instance of the question “where are you? And where are you going?’’. These questions never leave you to peace until you can finally answer them.

I am lost my dear diary, am not sure if am lost in my grief or in am lost in my anger and regrets but I know am all alone wounded and trapped in a dark place with no windows or doors to let the light in. I try to find my way our but it seems impossible don’t know how to leave without the son of the retired general. I try to open my eyes, to see anything that would show me the way out but there is none; every turn I take I knock myself in a rock that open up my wounds all over again. I don’t know how to smile, feel or be. I don’t know how to make myself strong again how to stand with my own two legs. I don’t know how to find my peace again; I don’t know how to find myself.

Years ago it was so clear to me that before I reach my destination I will find myself lost in the wilderness and that I will need some survival skills to master my journey. I knew for sure my faith would be tested and tried, that I will lose some friends and the people I love on the way, that it was meant for them to be lost during this time. I prepared myself for it or I thought I did, but now that am lost I know I wasn't ready, I was never ready and I would have never been ready. All I hope for right now it to be able to find my way out of this wilderness and make a difference.... stay with me dear diary because I don’t know what I will do if you had to leave, stay with me until I get to understand myself.

/

The Ghost of my own making

Dear diary

They say life is too short for regrets that you don't have to spend your future or your presents on regrets, but how can one live without regrets? Does it mean they never done anything regrettable or they just pretend not to care? Everyday we make choices, it can be consciously or unconsciously and in this process we  may find our selves making the wrong choices, choices we are not proud of, it can be wrong choices on relationships, wrong life choices, getting drunk or may be making a fool you're yourself.  There are times in our lives we have made decisions that hurt those we loved and even hurt ourselves on other occasions. These decisions left scars in us, scars that remind us of what we did, of what we didn't do and of what we could have done better. These scars can never be removed nor can they be covered by whatever good deed you decide to do today. They will always be part of you.

There are days, times in our lives that certain things could have happened to us, make us happier or better but somehow they didn’t. There a lot of magic moments that were taken by the wind when we were hoping for a better time to make things happen, little did we know the hand of destiny will change everything leaving us full of regrets with lost time that we will never regain. When I look at myself, I have a number of scars with me, for the wounds that were caused by people who were close to me, for the things that I did to myself and to others, for the time I wasted with the wrong people and mostly for the things that I didn't do when I had time to do. These scars are stuck with me and somehow have become part of me, reminding me of all the opportunities I lost to being a better person.

One of my biggest regrets was when I failed to make the right choice on May this year. I was to choose between spending the most memorable part of my life with the son of the retired general on May or sometime in the future. I choose the future, not because I didn't want to but because somehow I thought I should wait for the right time when both of us were free, may be with no or little pressure from the outside world, little did I know the circumstances will conspire against me making such an occasion impossible. Every day I wish I had one more chance to make things right, to go back in time and maybe just maybe things would have turned around differently. I walk around try to understand why I went wrong and I know my mistake was to think that I had forever with him. My mistake was to think he will always be here with me….and now that he is gone I cannot help but regret for the chances I lost..For the good times that we would have had, good memories that would have kept me alive in times like these where I have so little to hold on to.

Some people may say it’s a waste of time to regret for the times we cannot recover. That it is useless to spend time looking back thinking about what you should have done right, that the past is gone but the future is everything you want it to be. But to me that is not the case, it’s not my past that is dead, its my future. My past still live with me but my future is dead without him.

Dear diary, it’s not my intention to scare you but to make you learn from my mistakes. If you get a chance to spend quality time with someone you really love, never take it for granted, never let it go easily, it may be your very last chance and if it is you will be forced to deal with lifetime regrets. You might have options but always remember when you choose one you lose other choices which you may never regain, so be careful when you make those choices.  And that is it for today..see you tomorrow…

.

Being different..

Dear diary

There are days that you wake up and you just know it’s going to be a better day than yesterday, you know you are still in war but you have made one step ahead, that you survived yesterday and you don't have to worry about tomorrow, you just have to put one foot in front of the other and try to get through the day. In those days you find yourself thinking of something else, something rather than your own problems and life. Like what really bring people together, are they brought together by their similarities or by their differences?

Someone may say people are brought together by their similarities, it can be cultural similarities, it can be religion, and it can be language, nationality or anything else. They say these similarities influence their ability to see things flowing in the same direction. They say it makes it easy for them to get along. About five decades ago, similarity was a compulsory requirement for a young man or a young woman to marry in my village. In that time it was believed that people of the same tribe same culture should protect each other and whoever was different was seen as an enemy. People who got married during that time in my village had to marry a man or woman of our tribe and religion, form a specific family that his parents approved.  It was believed that these similarities would make strong marriages which would lead to strong families. And to some extent they did.

Someone may say difference or a similarity does not matter, they will marry whoever they fall in love with. That to them languages, cultural practices, nationality or religions does not matter. Some may say it’s not the similarities that bring happy marriages and happy families, it’s the differences. But the question is what is really different? Is it the white guy and a black woman who are happily married? Or is it an Arabic guy falling in love with a catholic lady? What is more different?     A Chagga man who is happily married to Sukuma lady or a  Chagga man  form Rombo who married a Chagga lady from Machame? who are really different? Hutu marrying a Tutsi from the same country or Hutu from Rwanda marrying a Subai from Saudi Arabia?

If you ask me, similarities and differences has nothing to do with  externalities, it has nothing to do with  a person’s race, religion, language, food, dresses,  age, or their geographical boundaries. Perhaps this is why they say love is blind. Two people meet and at that point their heart speak in a language that only the two of them can understand.  Many people who found themselves in these situations did not plan for it; they did not plan to fall in love and even marry someone who might seem so different from outside yet so similar in the inside.

There are times that we find ourselves on cross roads, torn between what we want and what our families, friends and relatives wants for us. They want us to be with people that share the same cultural practices with us, or may be same religions, or may be same languages. We know for sure they do not have ill intentions but still this does not change how you feel for a person when you are in love. Even if they seem different because of where they come from or what they believe in does not matter, what you feel for each other is all that is important.

I think its how you choose to deal with these differences, weather you choose to respect them or magnify them it’s all up to you. Am yet to meet a couple who are the same, what I know is even if you're similar there is always differences. As long as you are two individuals there will always be some differences in some things. Weather you marry a man from your tribe or a lady from your denomination there are always those differences. If you look closely across cultures and human ethnic groups you will realize there are always some similarities, if you choose to focus on these similarities then the differences don't matter.

The truth is we are all different in some way, and if we find that one person whose difference is compatible with ours we just know we can overcome all the barriers set between us, and once you decide to fight together something beautiful is always created. And that is for today  my dear diary......!

When memories you cherished become your worst enemies

Dear diary

I made the worst report today, yeah a report of an event I attended about a month ago. It had comments marked in red, comments that where almost equal to the report itself. It wasn't always like this, it was never like this, and this is how it happened.

Today is the first day at the office since he left, the one and only the chocolate trump who also happen to be known the son of the retired general. I woke up earlier than usual, full of energy determined to turn things around, I showered brushed my teeth, but when I was dressing up I noticed something, something strange, I walked towards the mirror looked at the image in front of me, my clothes were two size too big for me, I have lost too much weight. How am I supposed to go to the office with clothes that look like I have just borrowed them from my neighbor?  My hair was a mess it hasn't been attended to for like forever, is this blue Monday or black Monday anyway?? But despite all these i was determined to change my day, they say positive attitude can make a bad day good, so I told myself today is going to be a good day, I will live every minute of it, I will be happy, I will not let these memories torment me anymore. Am going to bury my heard in work, be as busy as I could be, may be more productive than I have ever been. Even with clothes that don’t fit me I made sure I look sexy to boost my confidence. I told myself I will smile even to those who will not be friendly.

I got to my desk  around 8 am, sat in front of my laptop and  got busy, pleased with the distraction of work though every time someone asked me how was my holiday it opened up the bad memories I was trying to bury. I could not help it, once in a while both the good and bad memories of the time I spent with the son of the retired general flew right in front of me. I kept on working pretending it was not a big deal. Somehow this weekend made me feel like getting over had started. Somehow burying myself in other people’s problems made me feel like my problems were not that big. They made me feel like I was stronger and everything was going to work out fine. I tried so hard to believe that staying busy would be good for me.

Everything was working out well until when the lunch time, i grabbed my hand bag and walked across the streets to that famous restaurant only to see a couple sitting on our Favorite table eating their lunch, it was like they opened a bottle of memories similar to a bottle of cologne that sprayed across the room at that moment everything came back to me, it reminded me of all those beautiful lunches we had together, how we could choose what to eat and how we could choose what to drink. And I realized I wasn't hungry anymore, all my appetite was gone, sitting on a restaurant table alone was too lonely for me. So i thought i should go back to the office and write a report which my boss wanted me deliver by the end of the day, a report that turned out to be the worst report in the history of my company.

Dear diary let no one lie to you, love can mess up everything that you once thought it meant something to you, happy memories will turn to be unhappy memories will never leave you, they are persistent, you will be amazed by how specific they can be and how the detail of everything pull you back to square one. Every attempt to make one step forward is ruined by one small detail of your past. I used to work so hard to remember things, where I kept my phone, where i kept my hand bag, where I kept my keys, and now am working so hard to forget!! These memories have taken root in my heart and mind and now eating my flesh.

There has been too many tears, I have used too much of my energy to fight back the tears, try getting get back the person I knew before he left, to bury my head in something rather than just me. But somehow these memories keep coming back to me. Everyday I wake up and I convince myself that this is not real, it’s just a dream and it will end soon that I will somehow wake up but I don’t. one thing am always grateful for it that you are always with me.thank you

A Tribute To My Beloved Mother (Grace Watiri Kamure)

Today, I stand before you, not to mourn the promotion of my beloved mother to glory, but to celebrate a life well lived. My mother was a great woman, a pillar of strength, a fortitude, the glue that bond our family together. She always directed us towards the right path and was steadfast in providing us with sound advice on how we could face the challenges of life. Her belief in strong family values and unrelenting faith in God epitomized her very existence.

Early in life, she inculcated in us the values of hard work, respect, deep sense of gratitude as well as how to harmoniously coexist with others. She strongly believed that in order to succeed, hard work was a quintessential element. It is through this belief and philosophy that she consistently worked hard to put food on the table and see us through school. Indeed, her sacrifice eventually paid dividends albeit too late. As a single mother, I must admit, this was no mean feat. This is what makes me stand here today with a deep sense of gratitude, grateful in every way for the sacrifices she made for us and for the people we have turned out to be.

Even though my mother was not as adequately educated as some of us are, she valued the ideals of education. As a single mother, she did everything within her powers to see us through school. When the going got tough and there was no school fees, she did not hesitate for a moment to sell one of his livestock’s to facilitate our school fees. This to me epitomized the ultimate sacrifice, the desire to see her children get the best of everything with limited resources. It is something that I do not take for granted and which I uphold with respect and gratitude.

She always reminded us that education is the best inheritance she could bequeath us. Many are the times we deviated from her teachings, our youthful optimism and ignorance taking the better of us. We thought, wrongly so, that we were wiser and surreptitiously discarded the wisdom she imparted in us. We at times felt as if she was punishing us, that she was too hard on us. But now, when I look back, I can tell with finality that she meant the best for us. Along the way, we were not the best of children, we at times swam in the eddies of youthful optimism and sought to identify ourselves with those of our generation.

However, this does not mean that we did not appreciate the role that our beloved mother played. Deep down, we knew she was right, that she meant the best for us, that what she was doing was to mould us into upright and respectable people in the society. I for instance deviated from her teachings more than once; I was like an errand child, I took pleasure in being a master of my own ignorance, always clashing and going against the norm. But when I asked for forgiveness from my mother during her last stages of life, she forgave me wholeheartedly. Like a prodigal son, she welcomed me back into the fold. The smile and sigh of relief on her face showed it all. I could see she was happy not only for me seeing the light but for being sorry enough to ask for forgiveness.

My mother’s lifelong desire was to see us working together as a unit, always looking out for each other, walking through the walk of life united and in the ideals and principles that are espoused in the Holy Scriptures. Today, we are gathered here to celebrate the life of a great woman, a mother, a grandmother, an aunt, a sister, a mentor, a pillar of strength. God in His infinite wisdom has seen it proper that she should take a rest. Ours is simply to embrace the ideals she inculcated in us and keep her memory in our hearts and souls alive.

Isn’t it amazing when we say, am tired, He says I will give you rest (matt 11:28-30) we say: it’s impossible. He says: all things are possible (Luke 18:27) we say: I can’t go on, He says: my grace is sufficient (2 COR 12:9). In that wavelength, we wholly accept the will of God. We wholeheartedly thank god for the time He allowed us to spend time with our beloved mother; we offer thanksgiving for the strength He gave her to see us through childhood, for the many wise teachings and above all for the little joys of life.

At difficult and trying times like this, confusion tends to set in. Most of the time, we tend to ask ourselves why and questioning the will of God. What we seldom realize or fathom is that Gods time is the best. When we feel lost in the wilderness, when our strength and courage fails us, we should always keep in mind that God will always direct us towards the correct path. I would have loved to see my mother see me turning into the man she would have wanted me to. I would have loved for one day to take my mother to visits to a place of her choice……I wish for many things now that you’ve left dear mother.

I promise to abide by your teachings, to live up to the promises I made to you when you were alive. You always taught us towards the right path. Never at one time did you allow us to veer from the correct path. On reflection, everything you told me has come to pass. I am now wiser and more than ready to go through the turbulent waters of life knowing that am keeping your memory alive. You constantly reminded me that we perish because we lack knowledge, we have eyes but we can’t see, have ears but seldom listen. I promise to lead by example dear mother.

As we inter the remains of my mother to its final resting place, I beseech my brothers and sisters to be strong willed, to rejoice in the fact that GOD blessed us with such a great mother. The best thing we can do in her memory is to follow her teachings, to lead our lives as she would have wanted and above all to keep her memory in everything that we do. We have to soldier on, we have to remain united and above all, we must uphold the principles she inculcated in us throughout the walk of life.

Rest in peace dear mother (on behalf of our friends, brothers, sisters 1saac kamure, Grace Kamure, Margaret Kamure, Joseph Kamau and the entire family-take heart)

wealth, the master of a fool...

Dear diary,

Have you ever heard of a man named Alexander the great? He was one of the greatest men in the history of the world, he was rich, famous, powerful, strong, wise, ambitious and everything that you could possibly imagine. But that is not what I want talk about today, I want to tell you of the wishes he made when he was lying on his death bed and how I wish everyone would learn from him. His wishes had the best lessons to the human race but I will not talk about all three wishes, just the second wish. As he was lying on his death bed he said “I wish for gold, silver and other riches to be strewed on the way to the graveyard to tell people that not a fraction of gold will come with me. I spent all my life earning riches but i cannot take anything with me. Let people realize that it is a sheer waste of time to chase wealth”

Every day the human race is becoming crueler, heartless or maybe they learn to use their heart less every day. I don’t know what is the really problem if it the economic hardship or it is Satan at work. But I cannot comprehend as to why one human being would kill another just so that he can inherit their wealth or deprive them of their right to take control on a certain property that has economic importance yet they have no idea when they will meet their own fate. Or if they will even have time to enjoy all the wealthy before death knocks on their door.

Before you start wondering why am talking about death and wealth today, I will tell you a story. Two years ago I met a friend, who was wealthy, influential and a good person too. He was a businessman who owned a chain of mobile shops, supermarkets and was planning to build the biggest hotel in the history of my town. We met on a Saturday morning when I went to see my lawyer for some documents certification; apparently he too had come to see the same lawyer. He sat in front of me while waiting for his turn to see the lawyer, I must admit he was attractive young man and since am a bad conversation starter, I did not want to embarrass myself I opted to pretend I was busy texting, actually I was texting myself (my other mobile phone), finally after five minutes which seems like eternity he smiled at me and introduced himself to me and from there the conversation was a lot easier. We talked about random things and since am a curious person I asked him why he came to see the lawyer and he said someone powerful wanted to take 25 hectors of land that he had lawfully purchased. Why would someone do that while they are already powerful? It’s a question I asked myself considering I knew the so called “powerful person”” though different news media but I didn't get a chance to ask him because the secretary called my name as I was the next on the cue.

Few days ago I heard that, this friend of mine was found dead in a hotel room, well not just dead but slaughtered his head and body completely separated from each other. Rumor has it that the so called “powerful person” was behind it. But weather he was involved or not I cannot think of anything that will make anyone kill a human being in a cold blood like that. And yet it all boils down to wealth that no one can take with them when they die. Yeah I know every one’s life will end some day and that it’s only the details of how he lived and how he died will distinguish one person from another other, but it’s just unbelievable how cruel human beings can be.

I never knew him really, but I feel sorry for his family and friends. I feel sorry for whoever had the task to murder him; his image must torment him for the rest of his life. He probably will try to get it out of his head with alcohol, or may be start charity to clear his conscious, or probably kill himself when he can take it no more.  And yet he did it for money, for the riches of this world, and if it happens that he is involved in an accident today and he dies, what good will that money do for him??

Yeah, am also feel sad that after his struggles to be where he was, he will take nothing with him. He will probably be covered in a single sheet as they put him in his final home. May his soul rest in peace. Amen  Am moaning my dear diary...may be you should join me.

A Strange Encounter................

Here I am again wining as usual, wondering what breed the human race is. I can’t quite fathom why the culture of double speak and double standards continue to be the order of the day. Is it that we can’t really place what we stand for? Or is it just a mere case of pledging allegiance to principles alien to us? Either way, it’s not for me to pass judgments; mine is simply to take it all in and revel in the drama. Today I stumbled on her, seductively walking along the pavements in high heels. Her confidence was impressive, her attitude nauseating and her perception somewhat irritating. I was a few steps behind her, wondering what on earth would make a woman feel like the world is at her feet. I know I might be branded a male chauvinist by the so called custodians of the girl child. To that, I say find the strongest of terms. 

So when incidentally I found myself sitting opposite her in a coffee shop, I couldn’t help but acclaim her sense of beauty, her style, demeanor and rather infectious presence. She was everything cosmetic in the literal sense of the word. Everything seemed to be fine and we sipped whatever we were drinking without a fuss, pretentious of each other’s presence, oblivious of the tension growing between us. When her friend joined her, I found myself straining my ears to catch every single word they said. Now don’t get me wrong brethrens (pun not intended). I kind of have a thing for women of intellect, the kind that not only flaunt their beauty but also have the muscle to sustain an intellectual conversation for an hour.

I wanted to find out what lay behind the beauty. So when she retorted that all men are dogs, I subconsciously answered “what breed is your father?” I hadn’t prepared myself for the backlash not to mention that I had clearly crossed the line. If eyes could kill, yesterday was the last of the days you could have heard from me dear diary. She was visibly enraged, uttering obscenities I couldn’t quite comprehend, her face was red and her body language bailed for my blood. I sat there, completely unmoved, knowing that when it came to justifying what I had said, she was a no show.

Dear diary, I have always wondered why people uphold double standards, why people say one thing when they mean the other. Here I was face to face with a perfect example of the fallacy of accident and converse accident. What does “all” mean? And why is it that when I asked a harmless question backed by what she had stated she buckled? The irony is that while everyone has been clamoring for gender equality for women, men seem to be constantly on the losing end. We have been fed with lies and fallacies that the very existence of a girl child is under threat (a figment of imagination if you asked me). All along, men have been ceding ground in an attempt to level the playing field. However, women acquire new ground but never cede an inch of their own ground! 

Back to this beautiful lady at the coffee shop, you guessed it right! I was labeled an even bigger dog who could not mind his own business. An idler whose very source of satisfaction is in listening to other peoples conversation! Alas! Now this was expected! But then, if you think what you are saying might offend someone sitting next to you, why not do it in private? I do not speak for the masses because for long I have believed that masses are asses. I do not care what you think- whether you think am a perfect gentleman or a male chauvinist who needs to be put in his place. I stand guilty on many fronts I suppose. But cammon! Give me a break! You and I are no different. I could have gone home crestfallen, my ego battered, my confidence shaken. But in my characteristic style, i could not allow this stupid incidence to get to me.

That is why dear diary, I thought I should record it down for memorabilia, to act as a reminder of how selfish we humans are. Other than this rather unfortunate encounter, my day was great. I attained a few of my goals, achieved a few milestones and kimale as usual never left my mind. Of late she has become a like a bad cold lingering in my body. However, much I try to shake the feeling of, it dawns on me that she is my drug, my addiction! With her as my addiction, rehabilitation center is a prison………….I rest my case for today dear diary.