My revenge........2

Dear diary,

The funny thing about a escape is that you can never really escape, may be temporarily but never permanent. I left that night, I went up to one of my teacher’s house. She was shocked to see me outside her house at night, I had never been there before but I knew I was one of her favorite students. She welcomed me to her humble home; she was a good teacher with a beautiful heart. She then asked me what had happened, I told her everything. She told me her house was opened  for that night but she wont to keep me for long since it would be seen as if she had kidnapped me besides my father would come and get me anyway. She suggested I should go to a relative who would accept me while she work on my school transfer.

The next morning I woke up early and started the second part of my journey, this time I was going to my aunt’s place. Well I was going there because I knew that would be the last place my parents would look for me. It was far away and none of my relatives was close to Aunt Sally (not her real name). Aunt Sally had been accused of witch craft and was chased from our village. It was a long journey but finally I arrived late that evening. Like my teacher she was shocked to see me. It had been about seven years since we last saw each other at my grandmother’s funeral. I told her what had happened and that led me to her house that day and I asked her if I could stay with her until I was ready to face my family. She agreed. And for the first time in my life I felt like I was given a second chance to live the life I really wanted, to have a normal childhood.

Dear diary, it’s amazing how people can be so much alike when you strip away everything. When my transfer was complete, I resumed school. It was all good, I was leading as usual. I did my best because I knew where I wanted to go. A year later when I was in class six my cousin brother came to visit his mother (aunt Sally). He was working somewhere in town and he would visit his mother every now and then. It was good to see him. I had not seen him for a very long time. That night when I was sleeping, he came to my room. Under my blanket and raped me. I tried to fight him as hard as I could but he was too strong, he was twice my age, there was no way I was going to win that fight. I cried the whole night, when I woke up that morning I told my aunt what had happened the night before. And all she did was to get in the house, took my closes threw then outside and asked me to leave her house. She told me I was ungrateful, that she had helped me but I was accusing his son of things he did not commit. She told me I was jealous of his son. I didn't know where to go.

Being introduced to these night mares when I was so young was not easy. I was still too young to stand on my own I could feel how helpless and vulnerable I was. I was supposed to be loved, protected and listened to. But I was denied all these and many more. I begged her to forgive me but she wouldn't listen. I took my clothes and left. I couldn't stop myself from crying, I didn't know where to go or who to turn to.... as I was walking down the road crying I came across a nun of a catholic church and she asked me why I was crying. I told her what had happened and she offered to take me to the hospital. At the hospital the doctor confirmed that I had been raped. She then felt bad for me and took me to her convert and after a long discussion with other nuns and a priest of that church they agreed to take me in.

Once more my life had begun... but this time it was different, I began to live the religious life, a life I was not familiar with, praying three times a day. Attending morning masses and praying before every meal. It was a good life though; I loved the fact that I could still go to school and feel loved. But it was not meant to last long. On Mondays and Thursdays I was required to clean the priest’s office. That Thursday I went there, as usual he was not around, I started to clean the office and before I finished he came back, he raped me..... He told me if I ever told anyone he was going to kill me.....

Read continuation  " my revenge 3"

My Revenge.....1

Dear diary,

Mahatma Gandhi once said “An eye for an eye will make the whole world blind.” Yeah that was his opinion, I didn't care if we were all to be blind or not... I would rather know all of us have experienced the pain of losing a sight than to know I was the only one who had to deal with that pain while others enjoyed my pain. There is nothing wrong with revenge it was the only reason that kept me alive, it was the only reason for survival, the only reason to wake up early every day. I was a fighter who believed in the devils rule... an eye for an eye kind of living was my theme. I had no respect for anyone who did not hit back; I didn't care about any form of forgiveness, forgiveness was not among my vocabularies ..... If you killed my dog you better hide your cat and even if you do.... I will find it and kill it. I had lost all respect for men...... I am Mirabel and this is my story....

I was not always this way; I was born 35 years ago in a loving and warm family (even though my father had other three wives he legally married,and four concubines). Being the second child among three children was not easy. I am not sure if it was because I was the only girl or if it was because I was in the middle of two male children who were seen as the brightest stars while I was seen as the shadow. The only thing I know is my parents never noticed my existence. My presence or my absence did not matter to them; maybe it is also because I come from a society where a female child was seen as bad luck to a family while the male children are treasured and well taken care of. The good thing is I was born when the days of denying female children their right to education was long gone so I got a chance to sit in the same class with male students even though my father was not in peace with paying my school fees.

I was among the brightest student in my class. I was always in the top three at the end of every semester. My teachers where so proud of me, they kept saying I had a bright future in front of me. My mother never went to school am not sure if she really understood what it all meant but she was happy every time I told her about my results and what the teachers have been saying. My father on the other hand never cared, all he wanted was for me to get old enough so that he would marry me to the richest man in the village and may be spend a month or more in a fancy hotel with women of all kinds who would fulfill his sexual fantasies.

It all began when I was in class five. Even though I was young I was independent and I knew what I wanted, I was not going to let anyone dictate my life. I was not going to let anyone tell me what to do and how it should be done. My mother thought I was stubborn but I was independent. That day I came from school around 4 pm  found my father outside the house with some visitors that I have never seen before. I greeted them and entered our house but before I could even put my school bag down he called me. I went to see if he needed anything, he then introduced me to his visitors. I greeted them once more and I went back to the house, little did I know one of those visitors was to be my husband in three months time.

Three months later my mother called me, she told me my father had accepted my dowry and I was going to be married in two weeks time. I was to stop schooling since it was too adding unnecessary expenses to them and they needed money to take my older brother to a boarding school. I cried begging my mother to talk to my father but she told me she was in no position to make decisions. That day I knew I was on my own and I had to decide what to do, I was not going to stop school for some guy that I didn't even know that was for sure.. but what was I supposed to do??

Dear diary, that night while others were sleeping, I took few of my clothes and run away from my home. I knew that might have been the very last day I would see any of them but I was not going to stay and get married....... I was going to continue with school wherever I would be and I will come when am well educated, old enough to save who ever needed to be saved mostly female children who were denied their rights to education....

Read continuation "my revenge 2"

What happened to US??.....4

Dear diary,

Being pregnant can be the best thing to a woman if they are carrying a baby of a man they are in love with so deeply but can be a nightmare if that man has divorced you without your knowledge and married your very best friend. Yeah he had divorced me and I didn't even know it, it is only later when I realized that,  the so called “Charlotte health Insurance papers” were divorce peppers that I signed when I was in so much stress not to mention under the influence of alcohol and never bothered to read.

Have you ever wondered why the worst memories stick with us, while the nice ones always sleep through our fingers?? I have had good time with Ian but right now all I remember is the pain he caused me. The news of me being pregnant came at the worst time in my life. I was not ready for another baby, I just wanted to abort because I knew this baby would always remind me of all those memories that I wanted to forget. My sister on the other hand is one of those people who believe everything happens for a reason so she wanted me to keep the baby. And she managed to convince me to keep the baby.

The funny thing about being pregnant is you think of nothing but having your body to yourself once again, and after you give birth you realize the biggest part of you is somehow external subjected to all sorts of dangers and you just want to keep it close for comfort and you just love it. I never told Ian I was pregnant with his second baby, I never even wanted to hear this name mentioned. Eight months later I gave birth to my second baby Charlie who practically changed my life. I don't know what happened but just after I gave birth to Charlie my focus shifted from my mysteries to being focused on my two children, they gave me so much strength and hope.

It has been four years since I got married, two years since Ian left, Charlotte was three years and Charlie was sixteen months old. Everything was going on well until I found this email few weeks ago;

Dear Irene,

There are lots of things that I wish I would have done otherwise, There are lots of accusations I threw at you that I wish I could take back, there are lot of pain that I have caused you that I wish I didn't.  I feel so stupid knowing that I mistreated the only woman who ever  loved me for me, I don't even know how to apologize for it because even the word am sorry would not cover all the Pain I have made you go through.

The truth is I was still in love with my X girlfriend when I married you, I was looking for her in you and when I couldn't find her I became desperate. Jane knew this and used this opportunity to her advantage. Am sorry that I believed her lies about you cheating on me, am really sorry that I married you for what you could give me, your admiration, your acceptance, the love you had for me but I forgot that I was supposed to marry you for yourself. Am sorry that I kept looking for another person in you, I kept expecting you to do things that my x used to do.

I know it is too late to say that but I really regret leaving you for Jane. Jane lied to me about you having an affair with other men. She told me you even slept with her x boyfriend and Charlotte was his daughter not mine. Like a fool I believed her, she even took me to the park one day and I saw the two of you together talking. She showed me pictures of two of you together and I believed her.

I know you are wondering why I believe otherwise now if I believed that way then. Well two weeks ago I saw strange text messages exchanged between Jane and Adrian (her x) concerning the pregnancy she is having which I believed was mine. I got so mad and thought I should confront Adrian face to face, it was like he was after every woman I get married to. There is where he told me everything.  And I felt so stupid.

He told me he has never slept with you but merely seek for your help when he and Jane were not in good terms. He told me, you were a good friend and you always found a way to bring them back together. He also said he has never stopped loving Jane and the baby Jane was expecting was his. I feel so stupid how could I not know Jane was just after my money??

Irene, I know this might not make any difference to you but please if you may find it in your heart to forgive me, I would like to be a father to Charlotte and Charlie. I would like to give my children the life they deserve; I would like to be part of their lives.

Much love,

Ian

Dear diary, a lot of people come to you telling you about how they came out of this and that situation, but am here because am confused and I don't know what to do. I need your help, on one hand I don't want him anywhere near my children, I don't want him to hurt them like the way he did to me he had abandoned them before, he even said they were not his without even bothering to do the DNA test. But on the other hand I still love him even though he has caused me so much pain; I want my children to know their father and to have a complete family. I don't know what to do. Please help me what should I do……??

What happened to US???....3

Dear diary,

I had never been hurt that much before, it was one thing for him to tell me he was not coming back but it was another to find out he never loved me for sure. I sat there on the floor, tears flowing down my face; I kept asking myself, how could he??  But there was no one there to answer. The good thing is my sister had taken Charlotte with her and she was to return her the next morning. I opened my fridge, took the strongest alcohol available... started drinking as I re-read the note addressed to me trying to find a clue of where he might have gone but there was nothing. I could feel my heart breaking every time I thought of us and how we came to be strangers in our own house. You see, when your heart is breaking, you can feel it because it hurts, with every beat comes another ache and there is nothing you can do to stop it, either from beating or from breaking.

I woke up the next day at noon on the hospital bed, how did I end up in the hospital?? Am glad you asked..... My sister came that morning to drop Charlotte as agreed, only to find me passed out on the floor with a note Ian wrote on my hand. She then took me to the hospital. When I woke up she was next to me, she held my hand telling me it was going to be okay. I just couldn't stop myself from crying, I could still hear my heart breaking, the pain was too much, “no it was never going to be okay”....I shouted!! That evening I was realized from the hospital, we went to my apartment where I took few things since I was to stay with her until I was back to my feet.

It had been two days since I last ate and I wasn't even hungry, am glad my sister was there with me, am glad she forced me to eat, am glad she was there to help me through the most difficult times of my life. I stayed with her, started going to a rehab.

Just when you think things can’t get any worse they can, I remember one month later when the wounds were still so fresh, when I was still trying to convince myself that I really didn't need a man to survive and I could be a happy single mother I sat in front of my computer; logged in to my face book account and found wedding pictures of Ian. Yeah it took him just one month to forget about everything and get married. You know the painful part of all this was not the fact that my husband was married to another woman but the fact that he was married to our very best friend Jane. The worst pain in the world one can feel is the pain that goes beyond physical pain, this pain goes even further beyond any other emotional pain, it is the betrayal of a friend. They were both my friends and they betrayed me. I fainted on that instance.

Dear diary, when I remember all these I wonder if there is anybody else who has gone through such pain, it there is anyone who has ever been hurt by the people he/ she would have died for. Were they as sad, angry and confused as I was?? I woke up hours later on a hospital bed, as usual my beautiful sister was by my side waiting for me to open my eyes. I opened my mouth in an attempt to alter something but she told me not to say anything because she already knew everything. Her eyes were red; it’s as if she had been crying.

How do you make someone love you?  How do you get to know a person? Is it even possible to know a person for sure? It is heart breaking, to know that you never really knew the person you fell in love with and even married. To see your life as a fiction which you have written and believed is unbearable. How did I miss this? How could I not know he was sleeping with Jane? Jane... a friend I would run to for help all the time, how could she betray me like that?? Questions kept floating on my mind.

Few minutes later the nurse came in with a big smile on her face. “Your are awake??" she asked, yeah I answered. I have good news and bad news, which one would you like to hear first?? She continued, before I answered she said, “I will start with the bad news, the bad news is you have low blood pressure..... And the good news is you are one and a half months pregnant”... WHAT??? I just wanted to die, how is it even possible for one person to go through all this...??

Read continuation "What happened to US?? 4"

Fantasy boy in a nutshell………………

Philosophy…….

My philosophy in life is to live, love, learn, laugh, leave a legacy and have no regrets.

I have a passion for…………

Making the most out of my life, engineering change, be an ambassador for the needy and less privileged in the society and be the change that I want in the world.

Money is…………..

Like a woman. You need/have to look after it or it will lose interest. Pretty simple!

I don’t try to……………….

Be what am not, live beyond my means, or be surreal. Am contented with my state

Change is…………………

As they say inevitable and also an eye opener and exciting as well

The most beautiful women are………………….

Comfortable with and able to laugh at themselves, intelligent, sensitive to others, generous of spirit, have a big heart, and have nothing to prove!

It’s rude to ask me……………….

What tribe I am, what my political affiliation is……be more objective. I hate simple minds…look at the bigger picture

Material possessions are…………………………

Perishable and temporary. They come and go. One should never forget that!

Biggest life lesson…………………..

Never lose hope, never look down upon others, pride comes before a fall, be childlike but not childish, there are always ups and downs in life, happiness is not guaranteed and so is sadness, embrace life with the curiosity of a child and simply leave within your means!

My Motto…………….

Simple: embrace each moment in life as if it’s your last moment!

What happened to US??......2

Dear diary,

My friend Jane used to tell me, “No matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it, in every love life there are ups and downs  and the downs should not make you quit . She told me I had to believe in the love stories and prince charming and happily ever after because if I believed in it, it would happen.” I did. Hope can be a powerful force, maybe there is no actual magic in it but when you know what you hope for and you hold it like a light within you can make things happen almost like magic. That is what I used to tell myself. I didn't give up when Ian left, I thought he will come back to me eventually, I prayed for a miracle to happen. For us to go back to the way things were before we started fighting.

 It took four weeks, three days and 19 hours before I could see him again. In my mind and my heart I was hoping on his return he would be the husband I married, a caring and loving friend I once had but it was not the case. When he came back he was worse than when he left. He started of accusing me of not being faithful to him, he said I have been sleeping around with countless men than he cared to mention, he even said he doubts if Charlotte was his daughter. I was devastated, I didn't know what to, I have never cheated on him, I had never even entertained the thought of cheating on him yet here he was accusing me of all sorts of things I never I imagined.

I knew that pain is the most important thing in the universe, greater than survival, grater then love, greater even than the beauty it brings about. because without pain the can be no pleasure and without sadness there will be no happiness, so I thought if I held on a little bit longer, if I tried a little harder the good old days would return. One day after I couldn't keep it to myself I went to see my friend Jane, since they were also good friends with Ian and their friendship had not suffered in all this I asked her to help me talk to my husband, to convince him to sit with me so that we can talk about us and how to save our marriage. She agreed. I don’t know if she did it or not all I know is... things got worse as the day went on.

Dear diary, I had seen sights and traveled in countries you cannot imagine, I had been through so many difficulties in my life, I had been in so much pain before. I had been afraid and I had been in danger more times than I care to count... and I had never thought that one day I will kneel down in front of a man asking him to spare 10 minutes of his 24 hours in a day to talk about our marriage. Yeah I knelt down, tears streaming down my face, my hands holding his legs....... begging the man who once claimed to love me to spare 10 minutes for us to end an endless war that was tearing our family apart. All he did was take my hands off his legs and walked away.

No matter how an individual views the devil, weather they believe that he is a real character of just the product of literally scholars and imagination no one can deny that each and every one of us has an aspect of a devil within us. From that day me and my husband went from arguing to not talking. He would leave the house very early in the morning and return late at night and sometimes he would not be back. It is funny how the devil can tear a marriage apart, you might try to fight him with all you have but he has a way of tearing all your walls down making you lose even that little hope you ever thought would help you through. I used to think somewhere deep down my husbands’ heart there was still a part of him that loved me, but after he pushed me away I knew even that part was dead too.

Most people around the world carry pain inside them until it they find a way to kill the pain or it kills them, I found my way of suppressing my pain, I turned to alcohol. I started drinking, I drunk more every day. My husband never cared if I was turning into a drunkard or not. One day he came home, for the first time in two months he said hi, I was drunk but I still remember his voice, then he told me there were some papers I needed to sign concerning Charlotte health insurance, I never read them. I just signed.

Two week later I got home only to find this note on the table,

Dear Irene,

I want you to know you are not to blame in all this, after my first girlfriend broke up with me I was so hurt. So I made a vow to myself that I would marry a woman who loved me more than the way I loved her. That way I would not suffer any heart breaks. I did so and everything was okay until I met the woman who drives me crazy. Am sorry that I made you go through all this pain but I really love this woman. Please don’t look for me because I won’t be back.

Regards

Ian

After reading it all the strength on my legs was gone, I sat down on the floor.... pinched myself so that I could wake up from that night mare only to realize my night mare was my reality....

Read continuation "What happened to US?? 3"

What happened to US?.......1

Dear diary,

The say it takes something to get married, a nerve, a hope, a desire or even a certain statement that will convince you that it is the right thing to do. I don’t know why you got married or why anyone would get married in that case but I do know why I got married. I loved him with all my heart, I fell in love with his courage, his smartness, his self respect, with the feeling I got when I was with him. It’s all these things and more that made me say yes to his proposal even though a lot of people around me indulged in wild suspicions that he wasn't all that he appeared to be. I was convinced he was the man for me; after all I was the one who will spend the rest of my life with him not anyone else.

Ian and I grew up in the same street but we were never close when we were young, I guess it is because he was 5 years older than me so he used to play with children of his own age.  But even that did not stop us for long, when I was in high school we started writing letters to each other every now and then, we were not dating then. We exchanged friendly letters more often than not. When I got to college he was already employed; it is around this time that we started dating seriously. He was my first boyfriend, my first lover and my first husband. Yeah we had our share of ups and downs, we had our share of on and offs but after 3 years in s serious relationship he asked me to marry him. I must admit i had been hoping for this for like forever. I said yes to his proposal.

We did not have a wedding theme, we just wanted it to be the best day of our life, and we wanted it to be really fun and relaxed, with great food, music and dancing. The wedding color was purple, I love purple. I still remember his smile as I was walking down the Aisle. It was the best smile ever. It was as if this was the best decision he had ever made in his life. We tied the note four years ago, in front of all our friends, our relatives and even our enemies.

People always say when you love someone nothing in the world matters. It wasn't this way to me; with him by my side everything mattered a little bit more. Our forever had just began, I was so happy because I loved him dearly, but I was worried, well not worried really but the kind of feeling you get when your life is so perfect and you are afraid of what could happen in the  next moment because like it couldn't possibly be quite good?? Yeah that the kind of feeling. We went for our honeymoon abroad. It was the best time of my life, we had so much fun, i didn't want it to end.

Dear diary, we live in a dangerous world, a world where being happy is rare so if you see a chance to be happy then you have to fight for it with all you have got so that you have no regrets in the future. After our honeymoon we came back home, started our life as a husband and wife. Everything as perfect, everything was good as it could be until when we were blessed with our beautiful daughter Charlotte. I don’t know what changed then but we started fighting, endless fighting over everything.

I tried to make my marriage work, loved my husband and my daughter as much as I could. Somehow I thought if I could only love him more may be everything would fall into place. But it didn't help. He never appreciated anything I did. He used harsh words to describe everything that had to do with me. I thought maybe it was because my body had changed after all I had just given birth. So I started going to gym to get back into shape, I started doing diet to make sure I was that young girl he married two years ago. Somehow I thought maybe this could save my marriage but it didn't.

I knew marriage was not going to be perfect but at least I thought it will be about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who is there to remind you what you have learned along the way and point you in the right direction. It was not the case for me, even though I tried to do the right thing it never worked. Then one day he told me he was going on a vacation, he was tired of all the fighting and he wanted to be alone. I begged him to stay because I was tired of it too, I wanted us to talk about it and settle the tension that was dimming the light of our house but he refused.  The next morning he left.. I didn't know to where, I remained behind with my Charlotte......

Read continuation "what happened to US?? 2"

The other woman......4

Dear diary,

It is easier to live through someone else than to complete yourself. It is easier to live with someone by your side than to find your freedom on your own. The freedom to lead and plan your own life on your own is frightening if you have never faced it before. And even if you have face it once before it is not easy to make a step backward like nothing has happened your life. A lot of things happen in our lives without any justification but whatever happens to us takes us one step ahead in the path of self realization, in the path of self discovery.  Some may say we are all travelers in life eternal journey, we meet people, we love, we care but the truth is nothing lasts forever…. If only I could cultivate a sense of detachment, my life would have been so much easier with lesser regrets.

I never told Mr. X, I was okay to being his concubine but I never refused to see him, I never said no to his presents and flowers, I never even banned him from my house. Life went on..but everything had changed, I had to share Mr. X something that I was not entirely comfortable with, even though he said over and over again that he loved me and not her somehow in his absence I would find myself angry thinking of all the things He might be doing to the so called Mrs. X it was never easy. Yes I admit, I was jealous, jealous of every minute he spent with her, of every concerned expression he sent on her way, of all the nights that he would spend with her, of every glance, every touch every thought.

I had never been jealous before yet here I was so jealous that at times I entertained the thought of getting myself pregnant to get his attention (what a stupid idea). Somewhere in the middle of all this madness Mr. X reduced his visits to my apartment, he stopped calling and he stopped sending flowers. Every time I try to reach him he will tell me he was busy with this, or busy with that… or Mrs. X was becoming suspicious. Well I had chosen the path so I might as well learn to deal with it that what I thought everything he told me he was busy. I had to find another way to keep myself busy or may be to get over him.

The truly scaring thing about undiscovered lies is that they have the ability to diminish us than exposed ones. They erode our strength, our self esteem, our every foundation that we thought we have built so firm. One weekend I had gone out with a couple of friends for dinner. After we have had diner, we went for a movie. As we were entering the Movie complex I noticed a car that looked like the one Mr. X was using but it never occurred to me that it could be Mr. X since he had told me he would spend the night with his wife and children. We bought our tickets, got our seats, ready for the movie to start.  Two rows in front of us sat a couple, the guy had his hand around the lady and they kept kissing every now and then. I did not know the guy could  actually be Mr. X.  

After sometime I went out to answer a call of nature, I opened the door to the lady’s room and in front of the there was an image that I have been trying to erase from my mind for ages. If you are wondering what it was, it was Mr. X screwing another woman in the ladies room!! Yeah the woman was not Mrs. X. To be clear there was another other woman that I never knew existed till that night. I dont know where I got the strength that night, I could have died out of a shock but instead I took my purse and used it to beat the hell out of Mr. X until when people came to tear us apart. Then my eyes became clouded with hot liquid, and without disturbing the firmness of my lips….it made the air thick and rolled down my cheeks.

Dear diary, I used to think I was helpless when it comes to me and Mr. X situation, many times in my life I have been helpless, powerless but not that night. I had seen clearly the kind of man he was and I had power to choose the manner in which I will live my life. Even if I had never been the master of anything else in my life, I decided I was going to be the master of my own life from that night…. I don't know what happened to Mr. X and his wife or the other woman but I moved to another city, started a new life… A life of my own, it wasn't easy but I did it, I now I have a life I have always wanted. I am free, strong and my happiness belongs to me.

Here is a secret that a lot of people do not know, the best day of your life is the day you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses, No one to learn on, to depend on or to blame. This is the day that your life will really begin.

True life story narrated by Jackline……

The other woman...3

Dear diary,

I woke up the next morning with swollen eyes, not just because I couldn't sleep but because I had been crying the whole night. I called the office to inform them I would not make it to the office since I had personal issues to take care of and I would be there as soon as I could. I sat on my bed for the better part of the morning thinking about my life before I met Mr. X. Before he came along, I used to think if I had nothing, if I was nobody, If I had no one special in my love life, then I wouldn't have to worry about my heart being broken, about being hurt, because all my life I had been hurt by the people I loved the most. I was so scared of being broken again, I thought I might not survive that is why I was not dating anyone until I met him. So what changed when I met Mr. X?

When I met Mr. X, I came face to face with the truth within me. Yeah it was true, I was scared to love because I was scared of being heartbroken, but at the same time I was scared of dying alone that I wanted to have someone by my side. I thought I had that person until I found our he was married. Even though I tried to prevent being broken it was obvious I had no control over it. He was married, I was the other woman. It was confirmed.. “no one can prevent anyone from being hurt, not even yourself”. So what next? Should I move on or should I stay?  Moving on would be a great idea, I thought. But where do I start? The truth is, I still I wanted to be a wife of a man who really love me, I want to be a mother, I want to raise my children in a family that consist of both parents, I wanted so much with him yet I could have nothing except the occasional sex if I greed to be the other woman.

Mr. X was married, a Christian marriage, one wife one husband kind of marriage. He was never going to marry me even though he claimed to love me. It was time for me to wake up from my dream and face the reality. What reality? Is there anything real in this world? it was as if I had been woken up from a dream only to realize where I came from was gone, where I thought I was going was never there and where I was, was no good unless I could get away from it... but get away to where?? Questions with no answers kept coming to me.

A week passed by, my fate hanging on the balance, I had not seen Mr. X since the last time I asked him to leave my apartment, and he had left me several messages saying he wanted to see me but I was not sure I was ready for that. On that weekend as I was trying to clean my apartment, I heard someone Knocking my door, I opened and he was there standing in front of me, saying he was worried and he wanted to know how I was doing. “Come in” I said. He walked in sat on a couch. “Your eyes are swollen, you have been crying, I am really sorry that I hurt you but I want you to know it is you that I love.” It was as if he had re opened my wounds again, I could not stop the tears even though I had told myself I was done crying over him, he came to  me holding me close... telling me it will be okay... kissing me... and before I knew it we were on the floor him on top of me! Damn!!!

In Just 10 minutes we were both throbbing then he said something that made me make a very stupid decision, he said “Making love to a woman and sleeping with a woman are two different things, well not just different but I can say they are quite opposite to each other. Sex is made  out of desire for copulation, a desire that can extent to an infinite number of women.... but love, is in the desire for shared sleep a desire the is limited to one woman... and to me that woman is you.”

Dear diary, not in a million years did I ever thought someday I would consider being the other woman, but what you have not chosen you cannot consider either your merit or your failure, I was already the other woman. I had not chosen it, I just found myself there... I loved Mr. X and he said he loved me. I wasn't sure if I was going to find anyone else who will not have another woman. I mean what had happened to me could happen again, it could happen to anyone. And even though I wanted marriage and all that I also wanted to be happy.

Mr. X had taken a part of me that I didn't know how I could get it back, It made me wonder if he really mean what he said or he was just using me since he knew I head over hills in love with him........

read continuation "the other woman 4"

The other woman .....2

Dear diary,

It is always easier to be lost that to be found, thus why we spend a lot of time searching but we are rarely discovered. After searching for the person who would take my breath away for so long I had finally found him, he was standing in front of me asking me to be his girlfriend, but I couldn't give in to his request. I told Mr. X he needed to heal from his break up before we can take our relationship to the next level, I didn't want to be his rebound. He said he was sure of what he wanted and it was me he wanted and he does not want to waste anymore time.

“Nothing could be left to chance, because chances cannot be trusted, this is your time, take a chance and be happy with him, you have been waiting for too long...” my inner goddess kept whispering to me. I then told him I was okay with us taking our relationship to the next level. This is where it all began. Few months later he was relocated to Arusha permanently, we became even closer. We would spend most of our weekends together. Went to holiday’s vacations as a couple.... there are times I even entertained the idea of moving in with him but I didn't.

Dear diary, love is longing for that half of ourselves that we have lost, with him by my side I felt like I had the part of me that I was looking for; and even though after few month with him I realized he was one of those guys with a wondering eyes, I though once he was in my life I should not let this one bad thing come between us, besides no one is ever perfect. I had made up my mind I was going to take my chances, enjoy the ride on the wild side of life. Though now that I think about it I feel so stupid... it was all in front of me yet I did not see it. I still remember as if it was just yesterday when he told me he will be travelling to Mwanza for a month and a half.... like a fool I was okay with it.

Two months later he was back in Arusha, but he was not the same person who traveled to Mwanza. A lot had changed; his mobile phone was always in vibration, always on the phone during late night and would sometimes take the call outside the house. The kept avoiding the topic of me moving in with me with some lame excuses that I even hate myself for believing in them. When someone you knew start to change right in front of you it is not just scary but it also throws you off balance, you begin to ask yourself questions that you can never answer. Does he love me? Does he love anyone more than me? Do I love him more than he does? Are among the many questions those kept coming to me every time I was alone.

There are lots of people in this world and no one sees things exactly the way the other one see them but once in a while you might get that one person who sees a couple of important things exactly the way you do and losing them is not an option. Mr. X was one of the few people who made me feel special and encouraged me to follow my dreams... I was not ready to lose him.

One weekend after work I dropped to Mr. X house just kill some hours before I go home. As usual I opened the door using a key he had given me sometimes back.. but it was not working, somehow the locks to his house had been changed without my knowledge. As i was thinking of what to do next  I heard someone opening the door, I turned thinking it was Mr. X but it wasn't  in front of me stood a lady asking me who I was and what did I want. I was puzzled, I remained speechless for like ten seconds before I could alter the words who are you.. She then told me she was Mrs. X!! I just had to pretend I was on the wrong door and left the house as fast as I could. How did this happen?? Where was I?? Was he married all along?? Did he really love me or was he just using me?? I kept asking myself as I was going home.

That evening he came to my house, he wanted to explain but there was nothing to be explained. Everything was so clear. He told me, he loved me; he has never stopped loving me from the very first day we met. He said he was just human and he had made a mistake before we met. He impregnated the so called Mrs. X but that was before we met. He never loved her but he was not ready to leave his twins to be raised buy another man. He wanted to take his responsibility as a father, but that did not mean he does not love me. “But you could fulfill your responsibilities without marrying her”, I said with tears running down my face like two rivers on rainy season. He told me the girl wouldn't have agreed to that... it was either he marries her or forget about the children... the wedding took place when he went to Mwanza for two months. I then told him I needed time to digest all that he has told me so he should leave my house.... he left.

I went to bed without eating my dinner, I couldn't sleep and I couldn't stop tears from wetting my pillow. Too often my love life had been defined as humiliation with occasional roses... I was so tired of fighting... tired of trying... just when I thought I had that one person I could spend the rest of my life with I  became the other woman.... could life be more humiliating??

Read continuation "The other woman 3"

The other woman...1

Dear diary,

When it comes to love people always encourage us to follow our hearts, some will tell you to follow your heart but take your brain with you.  The truth is everyone wants more than anything to be allowed into someone’s heart. Everyone wants to feel loved to belong somewhere, to belong to someone who can love them unconditionally.  Everyone feel so alone when they don't have that special person to share those special moments, a special person to share those cold nights and lonely days. Yet when we get that person we become frightened, worried about the day we find out the person we love does not feel the same way for us, frightened about the day you wake up and realize all this was just a dream.

Three years ago I had gone to attend a conference in Mwanza. One day after a conference I went out for a walk and I decided to take dinner at one of the fancy restaurants, entered ordered my food and a glass of juice. I sat there eating while chatting with a long lost friend of mine. On the table next to me, sat gentleman, his face was familiar, I had seen him before but I didn't remember where, he was eating his food while watching a football match. Fate has a funny way of surprising people, I finished my food, reached for my wallet and boom!!! I had no wallet, I had forgotten it in my room at the hotel!!(what an embarrassment). The gentleman on the next table offered to settle my bill. I thanked him and promised to repay him the moment I reached at the hotel I was staying.

Dear diary, I have a history of making quick decisions about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring the risks. I always had a tendency to see the best in everyone and to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. After settling the bill the gentleman offered to walk me to a hotel. I greed after all I was to refund him once I reach at the hotel. As we walked towards the hotel, we began talking about my forgetful behavior and what I should do to improve my memory.  It was during this time that learned we were attending the same conference. We walked up to my room I took my wallet ready to pay him but he refused saying he wanted my phone number as a payment. I agreed.

There are two kinds of secrets, the ones we keep from others and the ones we keep from ourselves. Since then me and Mr. X spent a lot of time together, we would go for lunch and even dinner at the end of every other day until when the conference was over. I knew deep down I was falling for him.. I wasn't sure if he was one of those guys who would fall for someone like me so I kept it a secret. Form everyone else and from myself…I pretended I didn't feel a thing for him, I thought it would be easier that way but it wasnt. After the conference I went back to Arusha while he remained in Mwanza. A month went by with no communication of any kind between us. Then one day I received his call. He was in town for a meeting.. he asked me to meet him that evening for dinner. It was a nice evening, we both enjoyed (or I like to think we did)

After our reunion we became so close, I guess it is because he told me he loved me.. he loved me since the first day we at that restaurant in Mwanza but he couldn't ask me out because he had a girlfriend and he wasn't one of those guys who would date multiple girls but he felt like he should let me know. I told him it I felt the same way but I wasn't one of those girls who would share my man.  We then agreed that friendship was the best thing for both of us… but I was not satisfied somehow I wanted more but kept it to myself.

Our friendship got stronger as the days went by. Three months later he broke up with his girlfriend. The news came to me as a shock; he had just told me a month before he was planning to engage her!! I asked him why and he told me he was not comfortable talking about it so it’s better if we bury it.  Funny how we get nervous when we are about to be given that something precious, that moment you wonder if this is what you really want while have been waiting for it  for a really long time. Mr. X told me wanted us to take our relationship to the next level. I had been waiting for this moment from the time I met him and now that it is here…. I cannot say yes…what is wrong with me?? I kept asking myself…….

Read continuation  "The other woman 2"

Are you contented with your life?

Many of us define success by how much money we have, how many women we bed, how many cars we drive, the size of our homes, the title of our jobs, how many heads we turn every time we pass and so on and so forth. I have always wondered what the meaning of success is if we can’t find a purpose for our lives. To me, success goes hand in hand with fulfillment. I need to have a purpose in life, to be contented with my progress, to leave an indelible mark in someone’s life and to inadvertently be contented with every aspect of my life. The hollow feeling, the emptiness, the despair most of us experience is because we lack the drive, the purpose to make our lives worth living for. Most of the time we suffer from low self esteem, we look down upon ourselves and basically become a caricature of a being alien to us.

We sleep with everyone to assure ourselves that we are beautiful, we live a pretentious life to paint an image of contented individuals but deep down we are a shell, a mockery of ourselves. We are empty and desperately in such of fulfillment and contentment. How many can say without flinching that they are contented with the kind of life they are living? How many stay in abusive relationships because they believe they are inadequate and their partners are their tickets to happiness? How many sacrifice too much simply because they believe they have to be submissive? How many sleep with as many partners to proof they are beautiful? When you think about it, the very genesis of our problems is that we have made it okay to live a pretentious life, to wear shoes that doesn’t fit, to fake smiles, to live beyond our means and to inadvertently live by some alien philosophy.

We are okay with the phrase “fake it till you make it”. What we don’t seem to understand is that faking does not provide us with fulfillment or contentment. It simply makes us suffer deep inside. You can’t afford the latest car but you go ahead to take out a loan simply because you want to show friends you can manage it. You don’t like weaves, or high heels, or cladding in micro minis but you do it simply because you think that’s the way to keep your man. You lose your principles, you become a puppet and before you know it you can’t recognize yourself in the mirror. You have literally become an alien person to yourself. 

You fake your smiles; you project an image of a person very happy but in the cover of darkness cry your eyes red. You are basically living a lie. We both know that whether rich or poor, there is no such fulfilling thing as living a contented life. If you are at peace with yourself, don’t have to pretend or lead a life that aint yours, then and only then can you say to lead a fulfilling life. We have been fallaciously meant to believe that happiness, fulfillment and contentment is all about how comfortable or how much money you have. In fact, some of us do despicable and downright unimaginable things just to be at the top of the ladder. We allow ourselves to be trodden on, do things we could never do, sell our bodies all in the name of living the ultimate life.

What happens when you have all of them but lack peace of mind? Ever wondered how it feels not to go anywhere you would want because you are always looking over your shoulder? Ever wondered why some people are always insecure of how they look, the kind of house they live in or whether they find acceptance in the eyes of others? The truth of the matter is that the whole idea of living a lie is that it surps all your energy, your confidence, your self esteem and literally makes you a rag. You become an emotional wreck and the perfect target for emotional turmoil. You do all the bidding in a relationship, place of work and basically lose your voice in any important matter of discussion.

It’s time we stood up to be counted, realize that we only have one life to live and that the choices we make have a direct consequence on how our lives ultimately turn out. Don’t allow being someone’s rag, don’t stomach acts of heartaches simply because you think you are inferior, don’t allow someone to dictate how you lead your life simply because you feel you owe them your life. Its time you stood up and said NO. You hold your happiness in your own life and its time you made something beautiful out of your life. Purpose to lead a life full of purpose and fulfillment! Above all, work to be happy and not to be an object for someone else’s happiness. Have a purpose driven day!