The other woman...3

Dear diary,

I woke up the next morning with swollen eyes, not just because I couldn't sleep but because I had been crying the whole night. I called the office to inform them I would not make it to the office since I had personal issues to take care of and I would be there as soon as I could. I sat on my bed for the better part of the morning thinking about my life before I met Mr. X. Before he came along, I used to think if I had nothing, if I was nobody, If I had no one special in my love life, then I wouldn't have to worry about my heart being broken, about being hurt, because all my life I had been hurt by the people I loved the most. I was so scared of being broken again, I thought I might not survive that is why I was not dating anyone until I met him. So what changed when I met Mr. X?

When I met Mr. X, I came face to face with the truth within me. Yeah it was true, I was scared to love because I was scared of being heartbroken, but at the same time I was scared of dying alone that I wanted to have someone by my side. I thought I had that person until I found our he was married. Even though I tried to prevent being broken it was obvious I had no control over it. He was married, I was the other woman. It was confirmed.. “no one can prevent anyone from being hurt, not even yourself”. So what next? Should I move on or should I stay?  Moving on would be a great idea, I thought. But where do I start? The truth is, I still I wanted to be a wife of a man who really love me, I want to be a mother, I want to raise my children in a family that consist of both parents, I wanted so much with him yet I could have nothing except the occasional sex if I greed to be the other woman.

Mr. X was married, a Christian marriage, one wife one husband kind of marriage. He was never going to marry me even though he claimed to love me. It was time for me to wake up from my dream and face the reality. What reality? Is there anything real in this world? it was as if I had been woken up from a dream only to realize where I came from was gone, where I thought I was going was never there and where I was, was no good unless I could get away from it... but get away to where?? Questions with no answers kept coming to me.

A week passed by, my fate hanging on the balance, I had not seen Mr. X since the last time I asked him to leave my apartment, and he had left me several messages saying he wanted to see me but I was not sure I was ready for that. On that weekend as I was trying to clean my apartment, I heard someone Knocking my door, I opened and he was there standing in front of me, saying he was worried and he wanted to know how I was doing. “Come in” I said. He walked in sat on a couch. “Your eyes are swollen, you have been crying, I am really sorry that I hurt you but I want you to know it is you that I love.” It was as if he had re opened my wounds again, I could not stop the tears even though I had told myself I was done crying over him, he came to  me holding me close... telling me it will be okay... kissing me... and before I knew it we were on the floor him on top of me! Damn!!!

In Just 10 minutes we were both throbbing then he said something that made me make a very stupid decision, he said “Making love to a woman and sleeping with a woman are two different things, well not just different but I can say they are quite opposite to each other. Sex is made  out of desire for copulation, a desire that can extent to an infinite number of women.... but love, is in the desire for shared sleep a desire the is limited to one woman... and to me that woman is you.”

Dear diary, not in a million years did I ever thought someday I would consider being the other woman, but what you have not chosen you cannot consider either your merit or your failure, I was already the other woman. I had not chosen it, I just found myself there... I loved Mr. X and he said he loved me. I wasn't sure if I was going to find anyone else who will not have another woman. I mean what had happened to me could happen again, it could happen to anyone. And even though I wanted marriage and all that I also wanted to be happy.

Mr. X had taken a part of me that I didn't know how I could get it back, It made me wonder if he really mean what he said or he was just using me since he knew I head over hills in love with him........

read continuation "the other woman 4"