An Angel Came Along……………….

Some men scour the depths of the world to find that very person that gives them purpose to live, a shoulder so big and soft to lean on. I don’t know about you and quite frankly I disregard your opinions pronto. The 20 something years I have been in existence has taught me more than what I could have anticipated in another life. A few years back, if you told me that there were angels in human form I would be the first to scoff at your ignorance and seemingly blurred way of thinking. Don’t get me wrong, am not about to increase your levels of disdain for me by insisting that there are some humans who are actually angels. On the contrary, I wish to take you to a different line of thought; one skewed towards a once in a lifetime experience as opposed to the largely held views of the masses.

I had an accidental and chance meeting with an angel in the form of a human being; a woman of character, intelligence, poise, beautiful heart and above all, the most amazing woman I have ever crossed path with. Don’t get me wrong, I would repeat the same words even if a gun were pointed on my head. I don’t know at what point or instance I became this lucky. All I know is that every aspect of my life changed the moment she walked through the doors of my life. Something clicked in me, I was reborn anew, I felt happiness first hand and the very meaning of true friendship had a new definition in my life. I have always believed in the mantra that things happen for a reason; that nothing in this world happens in a vacuum. 

I don’t know why it had to be now, or why it had to be yesterday or whether I have to constantly live with my life long held fears. What I know beyond any reasonable doubt is that I have had a chance to taste true happiness, to spend time with someone who is simply out of this world, a beautiful heart, an amazing companion, the very definition of true happiness. To some, this might just be someone drunk with love talking. They don’t fathom how a person could be so brutally honest about a mere mortal. To them, these are signs of a sycophant of love, the very antithesis of reason.

To me, someone I am easy to be with, someone I don’t have to live a lie with, someone I can tell anything without having to think of the proper way of doing it, someone I can be someone more like myself with is my ultimate companion. I have been through some really difficult moments, moments that defy logic, moments that make ordinary mortals desert you and pass a death sentence on you. I have been at the lowest, I have wanted to give up many a times, I have been distant but she has always been there despite all my faults, my fears, my hallucinations and sometimes utter stupidity. She has exhibited the kind of love you don’t find in mere mortals, the kind of support you read in fictional books, and the kind of encouragement you only find in scriptures. She has literary gone beyond expectation and defied every reasonable thing I have ever held. 

I dare say again she is an angel: not because of her looks, her adorable smile or her infectious smile. She is an angel because her very existence personifies something out of the ordinary, something amazing and beautiful, something worth everything, something you don’t get every day. Yonas is her name-a great woman.

The untold story....

Dear diary,

For a very long time in my life I used to be this lonely person. With a good smile on my face I could deceive everyone around me that I was happy and okay but in reality, it I wasn’t even close to knowing what real happiness looked like. While my friends would talk everything through, analyze or even hypothesize, I knew deep in me that my life was not like their lives. I was different, lonely and a part of me that had nothing to do with the physical appearance was already dead. I remember there were days that I would get up, shower and get on with my life as if everything was okay but there were also days when I would like awake in bed wondering what was the point of me getting out of bed and pretend to be like everyone else.

With time I developed a hobby, every night I would sit on my bed, write a letter to Jesus, telling him everything about my life and how I feel. Most times I would write them with tears streaming down my face because it was the kind of loneliness that ate me up from the inside. Let no one lie to you, It is an awful thing to be battling with yourself because you feel you can’t not talk about it. Deep down you know you can never win the battle yet you fight it day after day and it wears you down and even if you try to ignore it the energy it takes to ignore it exhausts you. At the end of every letter I would say a prayer and burn it. I don’t know if Jesus ever received any of my letters but what I do know is it did help me feel better.

They say life is what you make of it but I think life is what you face. I remember how I used to hold on to my depression and loneliness because I was so scared that the worst part of me could actually be the whole of me, until one day he came along. I had never thought of myself as anything but plain, ordinary and sometimes a dead walking person until he came along. The way he looked at me, he pulled something out of me that I never knew existed. When I wanted to hide he would urge me forward, when I thought I wasn’t good enough he made me believe I was and every time I felt I was anything but pretty he would convince me that I am beautiful. Being around him made me feel special in a way I cannot explain. These are some of the good memories in my life that I would want to hold on forever though with them comes the pain of Knowing all that was done yesterday.

Today am here alone and lonely like a ghost, it feels like am in the worst place that I was before he came to my life... am like a girl who is lost in space and all the effort she makes to connect to the earth she once lived and enjoy end up in vain. I am like the girl that you see in a photograph with a big smile who will soon be gone and erased from the history of this world like a traitor in the Soviet Union. It’s funny how he is the one broken yet I am the one who needs saving. Sometimes it feels like this will never end, it feels like the world would never stop crushing me until there is nothing left of me.

Dear diary, I wonder if anyone around me can tell just from looking at me that am the sum total of my pain that the wound in me is so raw and extreme that it might be terminal. I wonder if they can tell how lost I am without him, how soulless I have become, how I have become like a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere, how I long for him to show me how to live again. I am all these things and am nothing at all. There are times when I feel like I cannot maintain the facade any longer that I may start to show through and I wish he would just tell me nothing has changed.

You know, the worst part of loving someone is that there will always be things you can’t protect them from. You finally realise there is something worse than dying and its having something happening to them because It does not matter how much or how closely you keep your eye on things because there will always be things that you cannot control. The people you love can go missing right before your very eyes and there is nothing you can do about it. But again this does not mean one should not try to fight for his/ her happiness?  If everyone who thought they might fail didn’t try where would we be today??

I think about him and everything we have shared every hour of everyday, part of me is scared that there will come a day when he does not feel the same way. When he has somehow forgotten what we have shared and dreamed of together....