Dear diary,
For a while now
I keep waking up tired than the way I went to sleep. There are two parts in me that are fighting. Each one determined to take control of my mind and
eventually my body. One is trying to convince my mind to take the road that I
swore never take again. And each time it manages to take my mind under
control, I feel like am drowning with fear of unknown. It makes me crave for
someone in a way I have never done before. Like I would literally be happy if
he was here with me, sitting next to me even though I know he wouldn’t talk to
me. It’s as if his presence is tied to the side of me that is responsible for
making me smile.
Have you ever
wished for a phone call, a text or anything from someone and all you could
think of is when they will wake up from their sleep and just do anything? It
doesn’t really matter if it’s good of bad but just anything because for a while
you cannot feel anything and out of desperation you need a sign to know that
you are still alive. That you still exist and in the land of the living not yet
condemned to the dark future.
I never pretend
to know what love is, but on moments like these I find myself able to define
what the word love once mean to me, on days like these I know for sure love is
knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other
person in this world, love is trusting him with the deepest, darkest secrets
that you are ashamed off. Love is feeling comfortable and safe in your own
body, love is feeling strong when you are with him but at the same time so week
on your knees every time his skin is against yours.
But there is a
second part, which would not stop screaming, yelling how much closure is a joke
and every time it takes me in front of a mirror, make me stare at my own image
wondering when I became so weak unable to fight for myself, when did I become
one of those people who placed their happiness in the hands of un-trusted and ungrateful
creatures. Every time I look at myself get
choked by anger, thinking how the same people who made me feel everything at
one point made me feel like I was nothing at another point.
Step by step I
begin to examine what I thought they were good times; I begin to question what
was so good about them and why I liked them. Before I know it, I find myself
confronted with the cold truth that, even on those moments that I held so
precious , part of me would still be working on eggshells, running my nerves, anxious about the future
and when would be the next act of disappearance,
worried that he would forget like everyone else. Wondering why something did
not feel right, when is the next switch and he wouldn’t recognize me anymore, how
my heart was pulled down by constant changing of plans, trying so hard to catch
up with the constant change of rules.
And it reminds
me of how I lost so much and gained so little, how I forgave the same mistake
over and over again just because I was afraid to lose someone who never saw my
worth. How I am never going to be enough, not even for myself. And it whispers
in my ears… “Darling he doesn’t care”, he forgot about you the moment he turned
his back on you, he doesn’t think about you at night or see your face in a
crowded room, he forgot how you smile even though he told you it was the most
beautiful smile he had ever seen. He does not remember anything.
And I feel so
cold inside, like an empty vessel. It’s a good thing that from time to time the
other side runs to my rescue. Teaching
me to love the fool in me, the part of me that feels too much and love too
much, the part of me that talks too much and would sacrifice too much for
people that don’t remember me once their needs are fulfilled. The part that
take too much chances, win sometimes and looses often. The parts that get hurts
and broken and cries it self to heal because, it is that part of me that
protect me from myself. The part of me that if dead, it would give power to the
part that would rob me of my humanity, dignity and mercy.
“Awake from your slumber; arise from your
sleep….” An old hymn would run through my mind before the second part would
start counting all my mistakes. Your first mistake is always to love without
conditions; giving people power to hurt you, by crushing your soul with their bare
hands, words and even worse, their silence. And then your second mistake is
always letting them know how much you need them, how you have been waiting for
something like this for a long time, how your days will be empty and your
nights cold if they are not by your side.
Your third
mistake is as usual, to fall too fast for the idea of who they are. And this
makes you miss the soft hints of deception in their words and actions, the
points of concern you should have noticed. And then you love them more than
they love you. Kissing each little
bruise and bone being convinced each scar had a story behind it even when it didn’t.
They look at you with bored eyes and you convince yourself that they are tired
and perhaps need few hours of rest, they hold you with careless, clumsy and
dirty arms that have never hold anything precious and you are convinced they
will learn to do it better.
Darling wake up
and smell the coffee, you cannot wish on stars that aren’t bright. They are
dark and that how they will always be, the best they can do is pull you in
their darkness. This has to end, you have to put a stop to all this, don't be like the rest of them, you are better than this.
If I didn’t know
any better I would say am possessed. But then again.. Can the light and the
dark live in one room? Dear diary, Once upon the time I was falling in love,
now am falling it to a deep sea of confusion and I feel trapped between true
love and being alone forever and I have no idea which road to take.
