The apology

Dear diary,

It's the last day of 2013, and here i am not knowing what to say about this year. All I know is that whoever said 13 was an unlucky number was never wrong. 2013 has been one of those years that I would spend the rest of my life trying to erase some of its memories. But that is not why I am here, before this year ends I want to apologize for something I did 5 years ago. I know I should have done this earlier and that is why I will begin my apology by apologizing for not apologizing earlier. I have been carrying this weight for so long and I think it’s about time I put a stop to all this.

I still remember the sound of your voice when I told you I wanted us to end the relationship. I could feel your heart breaking into pieces yet I did not care. You were crying begging me not to but I didn't care. I wanted you to know that I was moving on without you in my life but I did not give you the reasons. I thought the reasons did not matter but over the years I have come to realize that the reasons do matter because they are the why.

I want to apologize to you, not just hey am sorry but I want to give you reasons for the decision I made five years ago hoping you might understand me somehow and may be find a way to forgive me. Am sorry for acting so cold when I broke up with you, but I knew that was the only way I could make you forget about me and the love we shared. I am sorry for the utter disrespect and disregard I gave to our memory; even though our love did not last, it deserved to be acknowledged, it deserved to have a place in my heart and in the history of my past loves but it didn't because everything we did together was over shadowed by the things I did with Derrick in just two weeks.

I know I was not supposed to go to the camp without telling you in the first place but I was mad and broken, I needed to get away and do something that would take my mind off my mysteries. Derrick was there too and just like me he was trying to put together the pieces of the big jig saw puzzle that he was yet to see the picture.  In just three days I knew I could not live without him. I know you are wondering how did it feel, honestly It was scary to know that I needed him that much considering the fact that I did not know him so well. I hated the feeling, I hated knowing that what I wanted and what was right were never one and the same.

Yeah I know I had told you I did not believe in love at first sight, I still don’t, but there was something about him, something recognizably real and I could not look away when I saw him for the first time. He was not just handsome and smart but he had a really good heart and had been through the same difficult life I had been in. I didn't tell him about me in the beginning but surprisingly he knew how to make me feel better. He knew how to make me laugh when I wanted to break down and cry. He kept saying I was the one in control but I knew it was just a lie. Later on I realized I had this hole in me, a hole where everything beautiful I had would disappear into but he knew how to fill it.

I still remember everything you did to me in the name of love. I remember how much you loved me and how I let all that fall into nothingness. I know it was not fair but I hope you also know I tried to love you, I tried to be the girlfriend you needed but I couldn't.  I knew from the very beginning that I wasn't the girl for you but you were convinced with time I would learn to love you. I know it was not fair that I gave Derrick all my love instead of you but I hope you also know that it is nobody’s fault that our heart works in a strange way. It is not our fault that we fall for the people we fall for and it is not our fault that we cannot have the love we yearn.

My apologies also goes to people who viewed us as their mentor. To people who believed in love because of us, to all those who held on in their relationship because they hoped they will get to be us without knowing we were broken long before we even had the courage to admit it.

am sorry....

My Hero

Dear diary,

There is a strange thing but each and every one of us does it. Unconsciously we categorize people in different standards depending on what they say, how they say it or what they do and how they do it. We all have standards by which we measure each and every individual around us. If you look closely you will realize the standards are not that difficult. It’s more about if we admire these people or not, if their actions are acceptable to us or not, if we envy them for the great qualities they posses or not. The heroes we love consist of just that, they are the people who did things which have left a mark on our lives; they did things we recognized and we praise them for doing things that we could not do our selves. However, the true secrets of being a hero does not just lie in doing things others can’t do but also in knowing the order of things, in knowing what to do and when to do it because things happen when it’s time for them to happen.

Am here today to tell you about this wonderful guy I know, he is basically my hero, he has taught so many things in such a short time, he has taught me how to be myself, he has taught me how to appreciate what I have and so many others. The first time we met he was just an ordinary guy; I never knew that someday I would say all these things about him. But ever since he came to my life I have become a different person, a much happier person, a person more like myself.

I met him two years ago, by then I was this person who had given up on life, I had stopped living and I had begun waiting for the days to pass. There was nothing exciting in my life. I spent a lot most of my time doing things that I would make my day go faster. I was so lost; my life had no meaning then.

The first time I saw him, he was nowhere close to a hero, he was this guy who was locked up in his own bubble doing things that would take his mind off his mysteries. We pretty much looked like we were sailing in the same boat but we were not. Once I got to know him, I realized I had this darkness in me and he was the only person who could drive it out. It began like a joke, us spending our evenings together where he will teach me few things every day. He would show me things that I never knew existed. Suddenly my days began to have meaning again, I now had a reason to wake up and look forward to tomorrow. As the days went by we began to spend not only nights but also days..... Thanks to him I finally found the happy girl I had lost when fighting for my life.

He once told me, In this world there are two kinds of heroes, heroes who shine in the face of great adversity, those who perform an amazing act in difficult situation and those who live among us, those who do their work unceremoniously, unnoticed by many of us but they make difference in the lives of others.... he was planning to celebrate some of the heroes and heroines that touched his life in some way......what he didn't know is that, he is a hero too, he had made so much difference in my life and in the life of so many people even though there are those who have mistaken his kindness for weakness. He has done so many things to people without expecting anything in return... he gives and gives without taking.... he is one in a million kind of man, a true hero that I shall not forget till the end of time.

Dear diary, the mark of heroes is not necessarily the result of their actions, but what they are willing to do for others and for their chosen cause.... even if they fail, their determination lives on for others to follow because for any hero the glory does not lie in their achievement but in their sacrifice. I know my hero is in difficult situation right now.... he does not understand half or what he is going through or why people that he sacrificed so much for, are trying to complicate his life.. but am confident he will come out of all this madness just fine .

If he ever reads this post, I want him to know God is mysterious, when we finally let go and let him lead us, things will become clear and we will find peace. He should forgive himself, and forgive those who did not appreciate his sacrifices because there is something wonderful on the horizon for every person who has faith and chooses to believe that their “train wreck of life” has something more than that. He has survived through so much, he has been through so much....and this is just one of those situations that he will not just survive but thrive too.......!! I love my hero!!

The fight

Dear diary,

I keep having this dream, there is a river somewhere in the dark forest, with water that flow really fast. In this river there are two people holding hands, they hold on to each other even tighter as the water keep flowing over them, they try to hold on things with their other hands, stones in the river, the roots of the trees nearby , but in the end it’s just too much, the current is too strong..... They drift apart!!! But when I wake up, I just know.... it’s because am afraid, it’s because am scared and I should be stronger..... I should have more faith.

I never knew the fear of losing him would hurt this much, I never knew someday love would have made me want to end my life. The pain I went through when I received the news of his illness was beyond compare, it was deep inside me, in flesh, in my bones. We were never apart from the time we met, I had never thought of my future without him, I still cannot picture my life without him, I don’t know how to be without him..... He is part of me...a perfect fit that was meant to be by my side for the rest of our lives but its like everything has been conspiring against us from day one.

 I was named after my God mother, Loretta. She was a nice, strong and the wisest woman I have ever seen. She loved me and taught me so many things that I will never forget. Before she died she told me she wanted me to be stronger than her, to be wiser than she was, she told me I was already way more beautiful than she ever was and I could have anything I wanted in this world.  Since then I had all this confidence in me, I thought I was this person who had everything under control, but now, I don’t know who I am any more......

It’s funny how love can turn the strongest person in to the weakest person in just a fraction of a second. I began dating pretty much at the age of sixteen; I have dated number of boys that I thought I was in love with but now that I think about it, I was never really in love. May be I just like them, liked one or two things that made me feel like I was in love. When all my previous relationship ended I was never broken just bent and after sometimes I could learn to love again. I was never scared of losing any of my previous boyfriends but now it’s different.

Am scared.... am worried.... am afraid of how life would be without him by my side. Now I know for sure I can be broken, am not as strong as I thought I was. Sometimes it feels like I am a non person, a shadow of what I used to be, a ghost may be. Even before the news that pretty much shook the foundation of the world I had built for myself am not sure if I was ever whole. I don’t know where the damage began, where I started to be this incomplete person who will always long for completion in another person or if had always been this way and I never knew until I met him.

Dear diary, I have had a lot of beautiful moments with him; we have shared so much and dreamt for more in our future. But now we have come in the end of the light and we both know it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown. As scary as it is, we both know this is where our faith will be tried, this is where our love will be tasted this is where our forever may begin...  with faith I am going  to take a step to the unknown, hopping I will be given something to stand on or I will be taught how to fly.

Even thought am afraid and I feel weak in all these, there is one thing that keeps me strong. It’s the love I have for him, they always say love can conquer all, and I believe we are going to conquer this. My God mother used to say, there is nothing in this life that can destroy a person but himself/ herself. Bad things happen to everyone, but when they do, you can’t just fall apart and die... you have to fight back... because every creature in this world who has a life has to prove to be worthy of it. If you don’t fight, you are the one who will lose in the end........ But if u never stop fighting, you will win in the end.

For this reason, for the love I have for him, for many more other reasons I will stand by his side and fight with him.....

Fare Thee Well Grandma

Just like other mortals, my heart sank when I received the news of my grandmother’s demise. I felt nauseate and angry at the same time. I can’t in essence explain why I felt angry considering the fact that I have always known at the back of mind that death is our destiny. But on this particular day, I lost all sense of objectivity and broke down. I didn’t know for sure whether I cried for the lost moments we never shared, for the fact that she will never again call me her husband as she fondly liked referring me to or simply to keep in tradition as so many other mortals have done since time immemorial. 

Nostalgic memories flooded my mind and I couldn’t help but feel angry and sad. Later, much later, when I had cooled down and cleared my mind of any ebbs of emotion and anger, I realized albeit too late how lucky she must have been. It suddenly occurred to me that most of the time we despise the old and discard all forms of knowledge they might be imparting on us.

Despising the old as I found out is a grave mistake that most of us commit. For the two decades I knew my grandmother, I knew only love and care; she came across as a very knowledgeable woman who took on life’s challenges with strength and courage akin to that of a devoted woman. Though many of us (the youth) compare old age with backwardness, I constantly found myself marveling at the vast knowledge my grandmother possessed. This apparently, made me have a change of heart in the way I regarded the old.

There are those of us (more so the youth) who believe there is little to be said in favor of the old. Old men and women they say belong to that Old Stone Age period where the essence of time has become constant and non existent. We constantly refer to the dot-com generation as the in thing, taking sadistic pleasure in turning old age onto our pet subject of ridicule. We believe that the old have nothing substantial to offer and should be consigned to a life of ridicule and solitude.

Most of the time, we believe that the future belong to us and the past to the old. This is a sound argument but what the youth are forgetting (me included) is that there is more to be said and learnt from the old. The ideas of the old may not be exactly what we want to hear. They may not be in line with modernity but then, were they not once modern? One thing I loved most about my grandmother is her tranquility, composure and sense of wisdom. What made me go into a state of panic and hysteria was seemingly ordinary to her.

She once told me that there are things that I cannot I appreciate about the old until I become old myself. As much as I wanted to brush her off, I could not help but appreciate her keen perception, the placidity of her emotions, the peculiarity of her sharp senses. Here was a woman who had amassed immense knowledge and gone through so many things in her life. She had navigated so many eddies and currents in her life. She had seen modernity become history, trends become ordinary and had witness the youth withering into oblivion. 

She always wondered aloud what we meant by “Dot Com” for as  she fondly put it to me, the youth is like a red rose that blooms and is so attractive to the eye but which eventually withers and dies. She always looked at the beauty of the young women, shaking their behinds as if life depended on it and wondered whether the holders understood its peculiar nature. She too, went through that period when life was so sweet and she once confided in me, it was too brief by half. The youth came and disappeared just like that. 

She became reborn into a total woman, embraced the virtue of patience, perseverance and wisdom. Old age as my grand mother taught me is a blessing and a destination that if we live long enough, all of us are destined to experience it.

All this memories occupied my mind and I realized why I was angry. I was angry because I could not figure out what she meant at that particular time. I was angry because I did not make efforts to learn more. I was angry because all that remained now were distant memories. I was angry because for a moment I wanted to be identified with many others of my age. But I thank God for the time and opportunity that she gave her to us. For the unique and quality moments we shared. It’s my hope and prayer that she has found peace wherever she went. I will always love you grandma and may your soul rest in peace. Till we meet again.

GOD:The Man Among Men

Dear diary,

I don’t know about you, the tribulations you are facing, the difficulties, the disappointments or the challenges afflicting your life. Today I want to tell everyone who is going through hard times that once you choose hope everything is possible. I am not saying this for the sake of saying it but because I have been there myself. I know what it feels like; yeah may be my situation was different from yours, maybe it was not that bad or may be is wasn't as scary as yours is. But all I know is at that time I felt like my life had come to an end and there was nothing I could do about it. I was hurt, broken, confused and had lost all hope. It felt like I was alone in the world, a far away wilderness, whethering the storm all by myself..... But with time I learned that, it was important for me to understand that life holds a lot of broken bits and pieces. There are times that I did face a lot of storms and trials. These storms were sometimes too much that I fell on my face thinking I would never gather enough strength to rise up again. But it was not the end..... now that I look back, it was moments like these that made me who I am today.

 We all at one time or another are bound to be in such situations. They are times when we feel trapped in a situation and we cannot grow out of. It feels like there is actually nothing that we can do about it and we are convinced that is how things were meant to be. Sometimes you feel like you are the worst in the world and life has been unfair to you, like you have done your best but you get punished for being a good person. All I want to tell you today is take one step at a time, the bible say in 1 Corinthians 10:13, that God will not give us more than we can bear.

Things might not happen the way you planned, but that does not mean all is lost, take time to stay in a moment or your thoughts may paralyze you. Don’t think of how miserable your life is, don’t beat yourself up for something you had no control of and you still have no control of, because when you start to worry too much is when you lose it. Instead believe you can handle what comes your way. Let God lead your way. Yeah, the mountain may seem too big with steep slopes; it may make you wonder if you will reach to the top of it and if you do if you will be in good shape. Don’t look at the mountain, put your head down, trust in God and take few small steps everyday and someday you will find yourself on top of the very mountain you were scared to climb.

Dear diary, let it be clear to anyone who is afraid to face his current situation, let be known to you today that fear is like a weed in the garden. Once you allow it spreads replicating itself until it chokes out all the life that is within you. Fear is a mind killer, fear in itself is a little death that brings total obliteration. let go of the fear. Let go of trying to control what you cannot control. Let God take control of your life because it is in the dark that God passes buy to help us. The bridge in our lives do shake but not because God has abandoned us but because God is passing by.

Unposted letter.....6

Dear diary,

I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday, the confusion I had when I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan’s baby was brought back to life. Lying in bed, half covered by the blankets I kept wondering who was John, what did the letter contain, who was it from?? Was it from Jonathan? If it was what did he want? was Jonathan playing games with me? My subconscious would not stop nagging me with series of questions that went unanswered. The morning came, I dressed up went to the place we had agreed to meet. I was both scared and excited. I didn't know what to expect.

When the time came, the so called John came... he looked exactly like Jonathan only younger. He told he was his younger brother, he found my letter along with other letters Jonathan had written to his close friends and his relatives two years ago but he did not know where to find me since there was no address on it. He kept it safe hoping some day Sarah would come looking for him but no one came until a month ago when he found Jonathan's address book with my phone number in it.  He felt obligated to deliver the letter in person so he came to meet me. Where the hell is Jonathan?? I asked him. Which he replied by telling me I would find everything I needed in the letter and if I had any question he will still be in town for the next few days. He then gave me the letter and his business card before he said good bye.

Funny, how I always wanted to know why Jonathan abandoned me just like that and now that I was given the key to all my an unanswered questions I was nervous to take it. I walked home quietly, entered my room, locked myself in and stare at the envelope for hours before I could gather the courage to open it. The letter was written two years ago.  And this is how it was,

Dear Sarah,

By the time you get this letter I will be gone and for that am so sorry. I don’t know who will give you this letter or when it will reach you, may be you would have moved on with your life then. I have spent almost three days trying to figure out what to tell you and if I should tell you anything at all.

All this began years ago when I was diagnosed with a heart condition, I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday, I felt like I had ,lost everything and I didn't have a reason to live. The doctors told me there was a small chance for me to survive. It felt like I was dead before I even started to live. The girl I was dating then broke up with me when she heard the news and it made me feel completely alone.

Since then I had always had a little problem looking out for myself especially when a girl was involved. I was so afraid people would leave me so I sort of built a wall that prevented me from finding love. I practically stopped living and I began to wait for my time. I ignored all the medications I was given, somehow I thought they will never do me any good, I wish I knew I was going to meet you some day because I would have fought so hard to stay alive. But I didn't.

That day we met, you were confused, alone and lonely but you were not afraid to admit it. For me that was an important lesson because even of all these you were brave enough to admit your weaknesses and even face your fear. You told me about all these testimonies and miracles that happen to people and you made me see the world in a different way. I could feel the way you thought, hoped or even dreamt.... I thought I wanted what you wanted, to be happy and free from all worries.... but later on I realized I truly just wanted you.

After you left I went back to my doctors to explore my options, it has been months since I stopped taking my medication, the doctors told me there was nothing they could do to save my life. I was hurt but I wanted to spend my last days with you that is why I came to see you but then I could not reach you.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I really love you and the times we spent together have given me so much strength even at my death bed. Please take good care of yourself, and I hope you will always find a reason to smile.

Love always

Jonathan.

Dear diary, after reading that letter I couldn't stop myself from crying so hard, I felt bad for all the times I blamed him for being irresponsible... I thought of all the names I called him when I thought he had abandoned me at the time of my need and I felt even worse. I thought about how everyone will lose everyone in the end. I thought about all the things people say to each other and how everything is going to die in the end... whether it is in a millisecond, or days or months or years, anything that is born must die....... which means our lives are like skyscrapers. The smoke rises at different speeds but they are all on fire...... we are all trapped!!

Unposted letter ....5

Dear diary,

In fairy tales there is somthing deeper than love, the princess kiss the frogs and the frogs become princes but in reality the princess kiss the princes and the princes turn into frogs.  It was all making sense now; being raised in a Christian family I knew my life just like any other person’s life was made up of attitudes and there are certain things God oblige us to live through and we cannot avoid them. The reasons for these things does not matter... no action we can take to make them pass by but to believe that all will be well in the end. I was running out of time, the baby inside me was growing, Tobby was waiting for my answer and Jonathan was nowhere to be seen. I told myself no matter how much confused I felt I was not going to let it out. If I had to cry I was going to cry on the inside, if I couldn't stop myself from crying I was not going to let anyone see my tears. If I had to bleed, I will bruise. If my heart stat to go crazy I was not going to tell anyone about it because it would have made everyone’s life even worse.

I tried to be strong but there were days that I just couldn't  I was too tired of waiting, tired of fighting the war that did not seem to end, on those days I would break down and cry so hard. Deep down I knew I was not crying because Jonathan abandoned me but because my delusion of who he was were shattered by the truth of who he really was. I was coming to terms with the cold truth that loving someone requires a leap of faith since soft landing is not guaranteed.

Everyday God give us the sun and also a chance one moment in which we have the ability to change everything that makes us unhappy. After two weeks more with no reply I sat again in front of my computer, but this time with a different motive, I typed an email to Jonathan, telling him I was not pregnant and it was a false alarm. That evening I went to see Tobby, I told him I had accepted his proposal... for us to get married. He was so happy... I also told him that I just found out I was pregnant with his baby (which was a lie of cause).

Dear diary, when I was young I used to feel special when I knew something that no one else did. It was some kind of power that I really enjoyed possessing but this time it felt like a weakness. The weight of this secret was taking toll on me; I began to lose my appetite, my weight.... I lost the happy person I used to be. Few months later I said yes to Tobby and we were now married officially. There was not any message or reply from Jonathan, even though I was already married I kept wishing for him to reply my emails but he didn't.  With time the hurt begin to fade and it was easier to just let it go but every time I thought of the baby growing inside my womb I found myself checking my emails hopping for a reply but there was none. I never wanted to send another email, I didn't know what to say, may be it’s also because I feared his reply, besides I had moved on with my life and I didn't want to think of what would have happened if he demanded a DNA test.

Few months later we welcomed our newest member of the family, Carina. She had a lot of things that she had taken form Jonathan, no one knew but me. With Carina by my side life seemed to make sense once again. She brought back all the joys that were lost by Jonathan’s betrayal. Things were good or so I thought until one day I got a call from a strange number, by that time Carina was eighteen months old. The person on the other side introduced himself as John (I could swear his voice was exactly the same as Jonathan's voice). He told me he had wanted to see me, he was in town with a letter I would want to see.... million thoughts went through my mind but I agreed into meeting him the following day.....

Read continuation Unposted letter 6