Dear Diary,
It’s strange, how it all happens. It starts so strangely and ends
in a way you will never see it coming. One day you meet this special person and
for some reasons you can’t explain you feel more connected to this stranger
than anyone else you have ever met in your life. It feels like you have known this person all your life, perhaps this person carries
with them an angel, one that was sent to deliver a message to you, to keep you
from trouble or help you through a difficult time. You don’t really understand
why they came to you or why at that particular time but you know what you must
do is to trust them with all your heart, even if they come hand in hand with
pain and suffering; you believe the reason for their presence will become clear
in due time and even though you smell the danger of being close to them, you
grow to love this person against all odds.
Then one day, the halo in this person is lifted and the angel
within them leaves their body, you look at them and you can hardly recognize
them. Suddenly everything they do does not make sense to you anymore. You try
so hard to hold on to the good memories, to the person they used to be and all
the good times that you have had but it is just not enough, days go by and
still you cannot find the sign of what you used to be. Part of you thinks it is
just a storm and it is going to pass and be forgotten but there is a part of
you that reminds you that they were not yours to keep anyway. That their purpose
was not to save you but to show you how to save yourself and once their mission
was complete they were to leave.
So the stranger lives you world
in a way you never thought it could happen to you. they disappear like the darkness
in front of the light, you have no way of reaching to them, you call but no one
can hear your voice, it’s like you have been buried deep already, you text,
email but no one replies to your texts or email. And it hit you, you are alone
and for the first time you feel abandoned, lonely and desperate for something
but you are not sure what it is. You realize you have been left by someone you
loved drowning in their desertion. And then you realize you didn’t belong with them
from the very start but again you didn’t belong anywhere else either. You had
no place, no home, sex or real affection.
You were kept but not cherished; you had lived with more scars than your
skin all your life. You met him when you had given up on love and thought he
was your salvation, little did you know he was going to add more scars to you.
Even after all this you still
miss him, you miss him more often than not and you know what the worst part
it?? Is that is just catches you completely by surprise. When you are doing
something and not for any reason or may be out of habit something good happens
to you and you just want to tell him because you cannot tell anyone else. And
then you realize he is not there anymore and every time, every single time it’s
like salting your old wounds to remind you of how bad your life has been. You
were ready to risk your life for him, travel half the world to meet him, fight
with him do anything just to keep him with you, you would starve with him,
freeze with him and hear him complain about politics and religion everyday but
he will not even answer your call or return your messages.
One part of you wonder if it
ever bothers him, the fact that you don’t speak anymore but another part of you
make excuses for him. May be there is something he is afraid to say, or someone
he is afraid to love, or somewhere he is afraid to go or maybe it was all lies
and we were just too afraid to say goodbye. Either way it is scary to know
there could be some truth in both sides of the coin. And this hurts you. It hurts
because he still matters to you and unlike him it bothers you that you don’t
speak anymore.
Will you be hurt by his absence??
Of cause you will, will you be angry?? Absolutely.. Will you be bothered that he does not want to speak
to you anymore? Of cause you will be, who wouldn’t feel hurt when a part of
their heart breaks at ignorance and rejection?? In the beginning it might feels
okay, then you begin to ask yourself every question you can think of, why,
what, how come, why now, when did it begin and before you know it your sadness
turns to pain, and pain turns to anger. And you become bitter.. maybe you
become worse than how you were before you met the stranger.
Dear diary, looking at all this
it makes me wonder how close happiness and pain are so closely knitted
together. How quickly that moment of love can turn to hate, of how love and war
stand upon the very same foundation. Of how easily a heart can be broken by
someone you thought you knew and how a stranger can fix despair by one simple
smile. And it makes me wonder, If love always end in pain and scars, if it has
no meaning than that… why do people want it so bad?? Why do people what to hear
this word and wear it scars??????
