The beginning of the end..

Dear diary

Have u ever wondered if pain will ever end in the world?? Have you ever wondered if you will ever get used to it even if u were subjected to it over and over again… have u have wondered if u could put an end to all the pain how simple life could be?? How easy every decision would be easy to make??

He left yesterday, I told him not to wake me up because I didn't want to see him leaving. The thought of him leaving was unbearable, so I went to bed early hoping I could fall asleep, but I couldn't  I decided to take Valium to help me sleep, but I could still hear him when he came to bed.. so I thought to add more Valium so that I won’t hear him when he wake up and leave me alone in that cold bed.. I know it’s wrong and dangerous but what could I do? How could I watch him walk out of the door knowing he might never be back? I would rather not wake up, may be it would be less painful.

It’s unbelievable how little I know about love and how it works, how my heart never learn, while its all I have known ever since I was born. I have been in so many relationships and in all these all I have ever known is leaving and being left. So why is this so hard while I know this is the world of democracy? It’s the world where people are free to make choices of their own? When I know in this century no one is really bound to another, that no matter what form of bonding people choose it can somehow be broken, bent or just ignored in the name of freedom of choice? In this century people can walk in and out of anywhere as they please…as sad as it sounds..whatever form of contract does not bear a meaning anymore.

I don’t know how my life will be, if I have to start all over again or wait for him… or if I have to go back to who I used to be before he walks in, if going to movies and clubs will seem so fun when am all alone, if walking into this lonely house everyday won’t make me go crazy… if sleeping alone on that bed will not bring all the beautiful memories that never lasted. All I know is am alone again.