Dear Julius,
I don’t know
if you have ever received a letter this long or if you are a fun of letters,
but I think I owe it to you and to myself to put this in writing simply because
I think I can give you a better advice in writing than in speaking.
I am not a
relationship expert, I have never been one; in fact am one of those people who
have had messy relationship that lead to serious depression. My heart has been broken
countless times, I have also broken few hearts myself. But it is through this I have come to believe
that life is made up of moments. Some are significant and some are disposable.
Some sit at the edge of your awareness and stunt you when you are trying to
sleep and others fade into the background noise of life and we hardly know they
exist.
Years ago, I had
a relationship with a man that I truly loved. I don’t think I have ever loved
anyone the way I loved him. He was a good guy and even though many times I had
doubts about our future there was no day that I doubted how I felt for him.
Unfortunately he didn’t feel the same way and he was stuck and unable to tell
me. So the relationship dragged along for four good years until he finally cut
off all communications with me. I
must admit, I didn’t see this coming, I didn’t know what to do and I was so worried until i found out that was his way of ending things. It
was one of the most difficult moments in my life but I also knew even if he
ended things any other way I would still feel hurt and betrayed just the same.
On that day, I realized not many things in life can be as emotionally painful as
a break up or love that was not reciprocated.
It was not easy but I had to give my self-strength.
I went rogue, I became the worst version of me. Some days I would feel
everything at once and some days I wouldn’t feel anything at all. Some days I could
conquer the world and some days it took me hours to convince my body to get out
of bed. What destroyed me the most was not the fact that he left, but the way
he did it and the realization that he was using me. That he knew there was no
us in the future but still pretended that there was hope for us. Why wasn’t he a man enough to tell me that he didn’t
see me in his future? Why did he leave without any explanations or even worse
why did he make me deny the chance of being with other people who truly loved
me?
Now, I know
this is what you do not want, to break Pendo’s heart but
unfortunately you cannot control it. Its alright to feel hesitant or even
afraid to cut off the relationship you know has no future, more so if you know
your partners loves you and would do anything for you. But remember everyone
goes though these emotions and get hurts at one time or another. In life, there
are worse things than being alone but it often takes us decades to realize this
and most often when we do it’s too late. Please don’t make this mistake for you
or for her. There is nothing worse than wishing you could have made a different
decision when you had the chance to do so. What I can assure you is there is no
woman on earth young or small, married or not that does not have someone who is
waiting on the side to get a chance to be with her. So don’t you worry soon
enough she will heal and move on.
My dear Jully,
the most important thing is you must make a decision that you are going to let
her go and actually do it. I understand it’s not any easy thing and it’s
something you want to do but you don’t know how to do it. I can assure you no
matter how you do it, even if you bring a break up cake, it will still hurt the
same and it is better sooner than later. Know that, at some point you will have to rise up
and say “I don’t care how disappointed she will be I am not going to continue
dragging her along anymore because it will cause more damage that good.” End it
while you still have a chance to be friends. End it because it is the right
thing to do for both of you.
You are a
good person and this one difficult decision will not make you look less of a gentleman
man that you already are. Relationships are tricky things and I hope after this
one you will have learned your lesson and never make any lady fall for you if
you have no intention of catching her. People
always fall in love with the most perfect aspects of each other’s
personalities. Who wouldn’t? Anybody can love the most wonderful parts of
another person. But that’s not the clever trick. The really clever trick is
this: Can you accept the flaws? Can you look at your partner’s faults honestly
and say, ‘I can work around that. I can make something out of it.’? Because the
good stuff is always going to be there, and it’s always going to pretty and
sparkly, but the crap underneath can ruin you and your destiny. In the future
make sure you analyse all this before diving in the relationship. Allow your
big head to think before the small one. It’s not easy but possible.
Before I end
this letter, I will tell you something that I learned about three years ago
about marriage. Probably you know it but I will tell you anyway.
MARRIAGE is
like a shoe. When you wear oversize be ready to drag it along throughout life,
and when you wear under-size be ready to feel the pains throughout life."One
thing about marriage is that you don't drop your shoe or remove it at any
point, no matter how painful or how stressful it is.
When you are
ready to buy your own shoe please take note of these three things:
Physical appearance: Do not look for the beautiful ones, the nice ones or the cheap ones.
Look for the one that is your size. Not every beautiful, wealthy or intelligent
lady is for you. Look for the one that is meant for you, the one that aligns
with your values and belief, the one who you meet at your life's journey. It is
important to know where you're going in life before you think of getting a wife.
Position: All sizes of shoes are not placed in the same
place. There is a place for court shoes, laced up shoes, sport footwear,
snickers etc. We have Children sizes, young people's sizes and the adult sizes.
Know where to get your own shoe. Your size cannot be everywhere my brother,
your type cannot be everywhere my dear. You cannot be a Christian, and be
looking for a wife material at a club. Your wife or husband can't just be
everywhere.
Stick to
your values and therein you shall find someone like you, but when your values
are not defined anyone can just match you. Discover yourself and define your
values
Perception: In this kind of shoe purchasing enterprise,
you are not permitted to try the shoe before you buy. This is why it is
important to seek guidance and counselling, from people who have bought shoes
before or are into the business of directing people to the right shoes (Pastors
and Relationship coaches). And most importantly to avoid much time wasting
time, simply consult the shoe manufacturer to tell you your size (God
Almighty).
Finally, it
is not something you rush to the market and just pick a shoe because you like
or can purchase it.
Ask
questions
-Where is
this shoe made from? (Background)
-What's the
size (Values)
-How much
(His/Her interest)
-How long
will it last (His/Her Character)
-Who made
it? (Is she/He of the same faith This is compatibility)
-Will it
match me? (This is whether he/she love you and will accept you the way you are)
Dear one,
remember many are dragging their foot and they would hardly reach their
destinies, many are feeling endless pains and wish they could pull off the
shoes but no way!!! I have seen people with beautiful shoes and when they show
you their foot, you will see scars. Beloved, it is not about the physical, it
is the size, you can't know the size from afar so come close, build a
relationship first and be patient.
Much love
Me
