Dear Diary,
I never told anyone this before. But today, right now, I am going to tell you everything.
I never told anyone this before. But today, right now, I am going to tell you everything.
I am not what everybody thinks I am. I am not the woman you dreamt of or the kind that men dream of for that matter. In fact am the lady your mama warned you about and ironically, your father highly recommended. I wait for nothing, I wait for no one. Do not fall in love with me unless you’re ready for a good damn fight. I will not submit to every word you say. No, I am not that woman; I am not like the woman you read in fairy tales or watched in fictional movies who would, as expected of her, obey and give in to the whims of her husband’s wishes. I am irrational, I speak my mind and as such, you should be ready to defend your points.
Falling for me will be easy, keeping me is what will be challenging. If you are ready then we start now, we fight against the routines, the bad habits and anything typical. But if you are not ready then you must know I will not wait for you to be ready. Am the one who knows how to move on. You can call me the one who got away because I m always running and never turns around to see if those I left behind are chasing after me. Yeah, I don't turn around because I learnt a while ago that when God closes a door against me, it is better for me to leave it closed than to keep Knocking on it. And if he gives me a key to open a door I shouldn't linger on the closed door but rather embrace the new opportunity.
I will never beg you to love me; I learnt that the hard way. There is no use in hopelessly trying to beg or make someone who is already on their way out to stay. I refuse to chase anyone who does not know my value. I wasn’t always this way. Trust me, I actually used to believe there was something romantic about fighting for someone. May be I was watching too much movies back then, but as I sit here with these stones on my chest, a place where hope used to lie, I realise there is nothing good about having to continuously convince someone to love you. I have come to realise I want to be loved unconditionally, I want someone who can hardly get through the day because he has not heard my voice; someone who cannot sleep because am not next to him. Someone who won’t leave or give up no matter what!
I am not an average girl who is often limited but never duplicated, so don’t come to me with an average girl talk, with your favourite colour and astrology signs (it’s boring). No, tell me about the things that keep you awake at night, the nightmares in your sleep and the knives on your back. Tell me what you see when you stand in front of the mirror. I have been off track so many times and I don’t even know where I am going but I try to understand my environment and the people in my life as much as I can. Greatness demands that I understand that am not as big as I thought myself to be but am capable of becoming far better than I have ever imagined I would be.
I know I am not built up like a supermodel, have the lips like those of Angelina Jolie or the soft silk hair like that of an Indian actress but over the years, I have learnt to love myself unconditionally. Something that took me a great deal of effort so if you love me, love me as I am. Do not point the part of my body that you think should be reconstructed in an attempt to make me fit your fantasies.
I am very independent and I like being alone. I have control over my own shit and therefore in order to win me over your presence has to feel better than my solitude. Anything a man can give me materialistically, I can surely give it to myself. So, my definition of spoiling me is giving me your time, giving me experiences, unforgettable moments and giving me a part of your life that you've never shared with anybody. A part that can never be bought or compromised. In this race, you will not only be competing with other people but also with my comfort zones.
Music is a big part of my life. Somehow, it has always remained the best way of letting out my emotions and frustrations. It is my escape from real life drama. Over the years, my taste of music has drastically changed from time to time but one thing that is clear is that I appreciate some genres of music more than others. I don’t just enjoy listening to music but I also love dancing and somewhere deep inside me, I still harbour hope that someday, I will become a professional dancer.
I don’t really enjoy reading. There you have it! Well, am sure you're wondering how that is possible considering that I have a bunch of books in my room. Well, let me tell you how this is possible. I don’t enjoy reading something am not interested in. I mean, I have spent half of my life in school being forced to read and consume tonnes of information that I wasn’t even interested in. Why would I want to do it to myself now that I know what i want? So yeah I read but only the things that interest me. After all, I find audio books and videos more suitable than actually reading; perhaps it’s because they allow me to multitask.
Well, people say I have a bad memory. But I don’t really think I do. It’s just that my brains like to remember a lot of pointless stuff, facts, jokes and loads of crap that really don't matter and forget the important stuff that actually matter. Thanks to technology, we now can put reminders on our mobile phones and computers so guess what? Problem solved!
I am always so busy; in fact my life is busier that it should be. I think I began to pile up a lot of responsibilities when I was lonely in order to feel the void space. And in a way, it did serve the purpose but somehow, I felt disappointed when my work seemed like it did not make a difference or it did not bring the best out of me. So, I kept adding things to my plate in an attempt to bring a significant difference and make myself feel better. Before i knew it, i had a lot of small extra curricula activities that eat up all my time and I don’t even have time to socialise (no wonder I have not gone on a date in ages). As much as I would like to change this in the near future, I feel all these activities are part of me and if I stop doing any of them, then am losing the opportunity to make a difference. I don’t know what I will do but am working on a plan.
Well, they say the truth is something that is told, not something that is known; and today, I have given you my truth or at least part of it. I am sure you are wondering why I told you this. Well, perhaps it has something to do with the odd empty feeling I had when you first asked me on a date. Not a bad sort of emptiness but the akin to lack of enthusiasm. Like when you have been in pain for so long and suddenly you realise you are not anymore and you just don’t really care what follows next. After all, nothing lasts forever.
