Unposted letter.....6

Dear diary,

I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday, the confusion I had when I found out I was pregnant with Jonathan’s baby was brought back to life. Lying in bed, half covered by the blankets I kept wondering who was John, what did the letter contain, who was it from?? Was it from Jonathan? If it was what did he want? was Jonathan playing games with me? My subconscious would not stop nagging me with series of questions that went unanswered. The morning came, I dressed up went to the place we had agreed to meet. I was both scared and excited. I didn't know what to expect.

When the time came, the so called John came... he looked exactly like Jonathan only younger. He told he was his younger brother, he found my letter along with other letters Jonathan had written to his close friends and his relatives two years ago but he did not know where to find me since there was no address on it. He kept it safe hoping some day Sarah would come looking for him but no one came until a month ago when he found Jonathan's address book with my phone number in it.  He felt obligated to deliver the letter in person so he came to meet me. Where the hell is Jonathan?? I asked him. Which he replied by telling me I would find everything I needed in the letter and if I had any question he will still be in town for the next few days. He then gave me the letter and his business card before he said good bye.

Funny, how I always wanted to know why Jonathan abandoned me just like that and now that I was given the key to all my an unanswered questions I was nervous to take it. I walked home quietly, entered my room, locked myself in and stare at the envelope for hours before I could gather the courage to open it. The letter was written two years ago.  And this is how it was,

Dear Sarah,

By the time you get this letter I will be gone and for that am so sorry. I don’t know who will give you this letter or when it will reach you, may be you would have moved on with your life then. I have spent almost three days trying to figure out what to tell you and if I should tell you anything at all.

All this began years ago when I was diagnosed with a heart condition, I still remember that day as if it was just yesterday, I felt like I had ,lost everything and I didn't have a reason to live. The doctors told me there was a small chance for me to survive. It felt like I was dead before I even started to live. The girl I was dating then broke up with me when she heard the news and it made me feel completely alone.

Since then I had always had a little problem looking out for myself especially when a girl was involved. I was so afraid people would leave me so I sort of built a wall that prevented me from finding love. I practically stopped living and I began to wait for my time. I ignored all the medications I was given, somehow I thought they will never do me any good, I wish I knew I was going to meet you some day because I would have fought so hard to stay alive. But I didn't.

That day we met, you were confused, alone and lonely but you were not afraid to admit it. For me that was an important lesson because even of all these you were brave enough to admit your weaknesses and even face your fear. You told me about all these testimonies and miracles that happen to people and you made me see the world in a different way. I could feel the way you thought, hoped or even dreamt.... I thought I wanted what you wanted, to be happy and free from all worries.... but later on I realized I truly just wanted you.

After you left I went back to my doctors to explore my options, it has been months since I stopped taking my medication, the doctors told me there was nothing they could do to save my life. I was hurt but I wanted to spend my last days with you that is why I came to see you but then I could not reach you.

Anyway, I just want you to know that I really love you and the times we spent together have given me so much strength even at my death bed. Please take good care of yourself, and I hope you will always find a reason to smile.

Love always

Jonathan.

Dear diary, after reading that letter I couldn't stop myself from crying so hard, I felt bad for all the times I blamed him for being irresponsible... I thought of all the names I called him when I thought he had abandoned me at the time of my need and I felt even worse. I thought about how everyone will lose everyone in the end. I thought about all the things people say to each other and how everything is going to die in the end... whether it is in a millisecond, or days or months or years, anything that is born must die....... which means our lives are like skyscrapers. The smoke rises at different speeds but they are all on fire...... we are all trapped!!