The apology

Dear diary,

It's the last day of 2013, and here i am not knowing what to say about this year. All I know is that whoever said 13 was an unlucky number was never wrong. 2013 has been one of those years that I would spend the rest of my life trying to erase some of its memories. But that is not why I am here, before this year ends I want to apologize for something I did 5 years ago. I know I should have done this earlier and that is why I will begin my apology by apologizing for not apologizing earlier. I have been carrying this weight for so long and I think it’s about time I put a stop to all this.

I still remember the sound of your voice when I told you I wanted us to end the relationship. I could feel your heart breaking into pieces yet I did not care. You were crying begging me not to but I didn't care. I wanted you to know that I was moving on without you in my life but I did not give you the reasons. I thought the reasons did not matter but over the years I have come to realize that the reasons do matter because they are the why.

I want to apologize to you, not just hey am sorry but I want to give you reasons for the decision I made five years ago hoping you might understand me somehow and may be find a way to forgive me. Am sorry for acting so cold when I broke up with you, but I knew that was the only way I could make you forget about me and the love we shared. I am sorry for the utter disrespect and disregard I gave to our memory; even though our love did not last, it deserved to be acknowledged, it deserved to have a place in my heart and in the history of my past loves but it didn't because everything we did together was over shadowed by the things I did with Derrick in just two weeks.

I know I was not supposed to go to the camp without telling you in the first place but I was mad and broken, I needed to get away and do something that would take my mind off my mysteries. Derrick was there too and just like me he was trying to put together the pieces of the big jig saw puzzle that he was yet to see the picture.  In just three days I knew I could not live without him. I know you are wondering how did it feel, honestly It was scary to know that I needed him that much considering the fact that I did not know him so well. I hated the feeling, I hated knowing that what I wanted and what was right were never one and the same.

Yeah I know I had told you I did not believe in love at first sight, I still don’t, but there was something about him, something recognizably real and I could not look away when I saw him for the first time. He was not just handsome and smart but he had a really good heart and had been through the same difficult life I had been in. I didn't tell him about me in the beginning but surprisingly he knew how to make me feel better. He knew how to make me laugh when I wanted to break down and cry. He kept saying I was the one in control but I knew it was just a lie. Later on I realized I had this hole in me, a hole where everything beautiful I had would disappear into but he knew how to fill it.

I still remember everything you did to me in the name of love. I remember how much you loved me and how I let all that fall into nothingness. I know it was not fair but I hope you also know I tried to love you, I tried to be the girlfriend you needed but I couldn't.  I knew from the very beginning that I wasn't the girl for you but you were convinced with time I would learn to love you. I know it was not fair that I gave Derrick all my love instead of you but I hope you also know that it is nobody’s fault that our heart works in a strange way. It is not our fault that we fall for the people we fall for and it is not our fault that we cannot have the love we yearn.

My apologies also goes to people who viewed us as their mentor. To people who believed in love because of us, to all those who held on in their relationship because they hoped they will get to be us without knowing we were broken long before we even had the courage to admit it.

am sorry....