The fight

Dear diary,

I keep having this dream, there is a river somewhere in the dark forest, with water that flow really fast. In this river there are two people holding hands, they hold on to each other even tighter as the water keep flowing over them, they try to hold on things with their other hands, stones in the river, the roots of the trees nearby , but in the end it’s just too much, the current is too strong..... They drift apart!!! But when I wake up, I just know.... it’s because am afraid, it’s because am scared and I should be stronger..... I should have more faith.

I never knew the fear of losing him would hurt this much, I never knew someday love would have made me want to end my life. The pain I went through when I received the news of his illness was beyond compare, it was deep inside me, in flesh, in my bones. We were never apart from the time we met, I had never thought of my future without him, I still cannot picture my life without him, I don’t know how to be without him..... He is part of me...a perfect fit that was meant to be by my side for the rest of our lives but its like everything has been conspiring against us from day one.

 I was named after my God mother, Loretta. She was a nice, strong and the wisest woman I have ever seen. She loved me and taught me so many things that I will never forget. Before she died she told me she wanted me to be stronger than her, to be wiser than she was, she told me I was already way more beautiful than she ever was and I could have anything I wanted in this world.  Since then I had all this confidence in me, I thought I was this person who had everything under control, but now, I don’t know who I am any more......

It’s funny how love can turn the strongest person in to the weakest person in just a fraction of a second. I began dating pretty much at the age of sixteen; I have dated number of boys that I thought I was in love with but now that I think about it, I was never really in love. May be I just like them, liked one or two things that made me feel like I was in love. When all my previous relationship ended I was never broken just bent and after sometimes I could learn to love again. I was never scared of losing any of my previous boyfriends but now it’s different.

Am scared.... am worried.... am afraid of how life would be without him by my side. Now I know for sure I can be broken, am not as strong as I thought I was. Sometimes it feels like I am a non person, a shadow of what I used to be, a ghost may be. Even before the news that pretty much shook the foundation of the world I had built for myself am not sure if I was ever whole. I don’t know where the damage began, where I started to be this incomplete person who will always long for completion in another person or if had always been this way and I never knew until I met him.

Dear diary, I have had a lot of beautiful moments with him; we have shared so much and dreamt for more in our future. But now we have come in the end of the light and we both know it’s time to step into the darkness of the unknown. As scary as it is, we both know this is where our faith will be tried, this is where our love will be tasted this is where our forever may begin...  with faith I am going  to take a step to the unknown, hopping I will be given something to stand on or I will be taught how to fly.

Even thought am afraid and I feel weak in all these, there is one thing that keeps me strong. It’s the love I have for him, they always say love can conquer all, and I believe we are going to conquer this. My God mother used to say, there is nothing in this life that can destroy a person but himself/ herself. Bad things happen to everyone, but when they do, you can’t just fall apart and die... you have to fight back... because every creature in this world who has a life has to prove to be worthy of it. If you don’t fight, you are the one who will lose in the end........ But if u never stop fighting, you will win in the end.

For this reason, for the love I have for him, for many more other reasons I will stand by his side and fight with him.....