For a very long time in my life I
used to be this lonely person. With a good smile on my face I could deceive
everyone around me that I was happy and okay but in reality, it I wasn’t even
close to knowing what real happiness looked like. While my friends would talk
everything through, analyze or even hypothesize, I knew deep in me that my life
was not like their lives. I was different, lonely and a part of me that had
nothing to do with the physical appearance was already dead. I remember there
were days that I would get up, shower and get on with my life as if everything
was okay but there were also days when I would like awake in bed wondering what
was the point of me getting out of bed and pretend to be like everyone else.
With time I developed a hobby, every
night I would sit on my bed, write a letter to Jesus, telling him everything
about my life and how I feel. Most times I would write them with tears
streaming down my face because it was the kind of loneliness that ate me up from
the inside. Let no one lie to you, It is an awful thing to be battling with yourself
because you feel you can’t not talk about it. Deep down you know you can never
win the battle yet you fight it day after day and it wears you down and even if
you try to ignore it the energy it takes to ignore it exhausts you. At the end
of every letter I would say a prayer and burn it. I don’t know if Jesus ever
received any of my letters but what I do know is it did help me feel better.
They say life is what you make of
it but I think life is what you face. I remember how I used to hold on to my depression
and loneliness because I was so scared that the worst part of me could actually
be the whole of me, until one day he came along. I had never thought of myself
as anything but plain, ordinary and sometimes a dead walking person until he
came along. The way he looked at me, he pulled something out of me that I never
knew existed. When I wanted to hide he would urge me forward, when I thought I
wasn’t good enough he made me believe I was and every time I felt I was anything
but pretty he would convince me that I am beautiful. Being around him made me
feel special in a way I cannot explain. These are some of the good memories in
my life that I would want to hold on forever though with them comes the pain of
Knowing all that was done yesterday.
Today am here alone and lonely
like a ghost, it feels like am in the worst place that I was before he came to
my life... am like a girl who is lost in space and all the effort she makes to
connect to the earth she once lived and enjoy end up in vain. I am like the
girl that you see in a photograph with a big smile who will soon be gone and
erased from the history of this world like a traitor in the Soviet Union. It’s
funny how he is the one broken yet I am the one who needs saving. Sometimes it
feels like this will never end, it feels like the world would never stop
crushing me until there is nothing left of me.
Dear diary, I wonder if anyone
around me can tell just from looking at me that am the sum total of my pain
that the wound in me is so raw and extreme that it might be terminal. I wonder if
they can tell how lost I am without him, how soulless I have become, how I have
become like a drifter without a home, a solitary bird in a flight to nowhere,
how I long for him to show me how to live again. I am all these things and am
nothing at all. There are times when I feel like I cannot maintain the facade
any longer that I may start to show through and I wish he would just tell me
nothing has changed.
You know, the worst part of
loving someone is that there will always be things you can’t protect them from.
You finally realise there is something worse than dying and its having
something happening to them because It does not matter how much or how closely
you keep your eye on things because there will always be things that you cannot
control. The people you love can go missing right before your very eyes and
there is nothing you can do about it. But again this does not mean one should
not try to fight for his/ her happiness?
If everyone who thought they might fail didn’t try where would we be
today??
I think about him and everything
we have shared every hour of everyday, part of me is scared that there will come
a day when he does not feel the same way. When he has somehow forgotten what we
have shared and dreamed of together....
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