My Revenge...3

Dear diary,

It is so hard to feel supported when you can’t tell people everything, when you have to keep your mystery to yourself. I knew even though he was not going to kill me, no one would have believed me if I told them what was happening, he kept coming to me every time he needed to get a sexual healing. I couldn't tell anyone, he was a priest, everyone respected him, people would come to confess all their sins to him and he would declare their sins to be forgiven, who would believe me if I told them he was sexually abusing me??.... I just kept telling myself I had to survive; I won’t let him take my future with him.

I still remember those days as if it was just yesterday, how my soul became so cold, I hated everything, I didn't trust anyone, I despised all the priests and nuns for I knew they were all living a lie, pretending to be what they are not. I cringed with hate whenever I saw him standing at the Alter  wearing that clerical collar that he did not deserve, leading the mass and all the nuns in their white dresses bowed down to him. My stomach coiled whenever I hear the church bells. I found words like hope and faith were only letters, randomly put together into something meaningless, they were words only for fairy tales. My school performance was affected, I began to fail, I was always unhappy.... no one was concerned. I spent a lot of time questioning the existence of God and why he would allow all this to happen to me.

Dear diary, tragedy is in a person’s life is what dies inside him/her while s/he lives.  My sexual abuse continued through high school, something inside me had died then, I think it’s myself conscious because I started to enjoy having sex with the priest, I would feel important when having sex but I felt like garbage after wards. I began look forward to having the priest in me every Monday and Thursday and sometimes on Saturday it was the only time I would feel important. He would not allow me to have any kind of relationship with the opposite sex. I didn't care about all this, if I had friends or if I didn't. I had one goal.... to survive.

The one thing I will always be great full for is that the government of that time would support anyone who has performed well and was interested to join college. I was among few students who were qualified to join college. I was so happy, the chance I had been waiting for had come. I was going to be free...I kept telling my self.I joined college and the government gave us accommodation allowance, meal allowance, stationary allowance and even transport allowance! when I was leaving the convent for college I swore never to go back; I just wanted to have a normal life once again. A life I had always dreamed of, a life where I was free and happy. I was a hard worker so I started a business  I used part of my allowance to buy shoes and I would resell them to other students for profit. It was a good business.... I was never broke.

I was happy then, I really needed to be, hell had swallowed me for too many years..... It was my time to shine and be happy. Like any other college girl I had a relationship with a guy, his name was Mohamed Ally, he was a really good guy. He was the very first person who made me feel my value did not come from sex. He respected me and he would listen to any crap I had to say. Our relationship was good though now that I think about it I know I was still a prisoner of my past, desperate to have a normal life. My sense of love had been manipulated and twisted, my innocent feelings had been mocked and I had learnt to ignore them and it did affect our relationship because even with him by my side I didn't feel the way I woman would feel when she is with her man.

There was another problem, he was a Muslim, I was a Christian. His parents would never let him date a Christian woman let alone marrying her.  After just one year and a half his parents had chosen a girl for him and he was to marry her. He was confused just like the way I was. But in the end he chose her over me. I was so heartbroken but I told myself I will not let him destroy what I have worked so hard to achieve, no matter what life had to continue........

Read continuation..."my revenge 4"