What happened to US?.......1

Dear diary,

The say it takes something to get married, a nerve, a hope, a desire or even a certain statement that will convince you that it is the right thing to do. I don’t know why you got married or why anyone would get married in that case but I do know why I got married. I loved him with all my heart, I fell in love with his courage, his smartness, his self respect, with the feeling I got when I was with him. It’s all these things and more that made me say yes to his proposal even though a lot of people around me indulged in wild suspicions that he wasn't all that he appeared to be. I was convinced he was the man for me; after all I was the one who will spend the rest of my life with him not anyone else.

Ian and I grew up in the same street but we were never close when we were young, I guess it is because he was 5 years older than me so he used to play with children of his own age.  But even that did not stop us for long, when I was in high school we started writing letters to each other every now and then, we were not dating then. We exchanged friendly letters more often than not. When I got to college he was already employed; it is around this time that we started dating seriously. He was my first boyfriend, my first lover and my first husband. Yeah we had our share of ups and downs, we had our share of on and offs but after 3 years in s serious relationship he asked me to marry him. I must admit i had been hoping for this for like forever. I said yes to his proposal.

We did not have a wedding theme, we just wanted it to be the best day of our life, and we wanted it to be really fun and relaxed, with great food, music and dancing. The wedding color was purple, I love purple. I still remember his smile as I was walking down the Aisle. It was the best smile ever. It was as if this was the best decision he had ever made in his life. We tied the note four years ago, in front of all our friends, our relatives and even our enemies.

People always say when you love someone nothing in the world matters. It wasn't this way to me; with him by my side everything mattered a little bit more. Our forever had just began, I was so happy because I loved him dearly, but I was worried, well not worried really but the kind of feeling you get when your life is so perfect and you are afraid of what could happen in the  next moment because like it couldn't possibly be quite good?? Yeah that the kind of feeling. We went for our honeymoon abroad. It was the best time of my life, we had so much fun, i didn't want it to end.

Dear diary, we live in a dangerous world, a world where being happy is rare so if you see a chance to be happy then you have to fight for it with all you have got so that you have no regrets in the future. After our honeymoon we came back home, started our life as a husband and wife. Everything as perfect, everything was good as it could be until when we were blessed with our beautiful daughter Charlotte. I don’t know what changed then but we started fighting, endless fighting over everything.

I tried to make my marriage work, loved my husband and my daughter as much as I could. Somehow I thought if I could only love him more may be everything would fall into place. But it didn't help. He never appreciated anything I did. He used harsh words to describe everything that had to do with me. I thought maybe it was because my body had changed after all I had just given birth. So I started going to gym to get back into shape, I started doing diet to make sure I was that young girl he married two years ago. Somehow I thought maybe this could save my marriage but it didn't.

I knew marriage was not going to be perfect but at least I thought it will be about making mistakes, but doing it with someone who is there to remind you what you have learned along the way and point you in the right direction. It was not the case for me, even though I tried to do the right thing it never worked. Then one day he told me he was going on a vacation, he was tired of all the fighting and he wanted to be alone. I begged him to stay because I was tired of it too, I wanted us to talk about it and settle the tension that was dimming the light of our house but he refused.  The next morning he left.. I didn't know to where, I remained behind with my Charlotte......

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