What happened to US??......2

Dear diary,

My friend Jane used to tell me, “No matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it, in every love life there are ups and downs  and the downs should not make you quit . She told me I had to believe in the love stories and prince charming and happily ever after because if I believed in it, it would happen.” I did. Hope can be a powerful force, maybe there is no actual magic in it but when you know what you hope for and you hold it like a light within you can make things happen almost like magic. That is what I used to tell myself. I didn't give up when Ian left, I thought he will come back to me eventually, I prayed for a miracle to happen. For us to go back to the way things were before we started fighting.

 It took four weeks, three days and 19 hours before I could see him again. In my mind and my heart I was hoping on his return he would be the husband I married, a caring and loving friend I once had but it was not the case. When he came back he was worse than when he left. He started of accusing me of not being faithful to him, he said I have been sleeping around with countless men than he cared to mention, he even said he doubts if Charlotte was his daughter. I was devastated, I didn't know what to, I have never cheated on him, I had never even entertained the thought of cheating on him yet here he was accusing me of all sorts of things I never I imagined.

I knew that pain is the most important thing in the universe, greater than survival, grater then love, greater even than the beauty it brings about. because without pain the can be no pleasure and without sadness there will be no happiness, so I thought if I held on a little bit longer, if I tried a little harder the good old days would return. One day after I couldn't keep it to myself I went to see my friend Jane, since they were also good friends with Ian and their friendship had not suffered in all this I asked her to help me talk to my husband, to convince him to sit with me so that we can talk about us and how to save our marriage. She agreed. I don’t know if she did it or not all I know is... things got worse as the day went on.

Dear diary, I had seen sights and traveled in countries you cannot imagine, I had been through so many difficulties in my life, I had been in so much pain before. I had been afraid and I had been in danger more times than I care to count... and I had never thought that one day I will kneel down in front of a man asking him to spare 10 minutes of his 24 hours in a day to talk about our marriage. Yeah I knelt down, tears streaming down my face, my hands holding his legs....... begging the man who once claimed to love me to spare 10 minutes for us to end an endless war that was tearing our family apart. All he did was take my hands off his legs and walked away.

No matter how an individual views the devil, weather they believe that he is a real character of just the product of literally scholars and imagination no one can deny that each and every one of us has an aspect of a devil within us. From that day me and my husband went from arguing to not talking. He would leave the house very early in the morning and return late at night and sometimes he would not be back. It is funny how the devil can tear a marriage apart, you might try to fight him with all you have but he has a way of tearing all your walls down making you lose even that little hope you ever thought would help you through. I used to think somewhere deep down my husbands’ heart there was still a part of him that loved me, but after he pushed me away I knew even that part was dead too.

Most people around the world carry pain inside them until it they find a way to kill the pain or it kills them, I found my way of suppressing my pain, I turned to alcohol. I started drinking, I drunk more every day. My husband never cared if I was turning into a drunkard or not. One day he came home, for the first time in two months he said hi, I was drunk but I still remember his voice, then he told me there were some papers I needed to sign concerning Charlotte health insurance, I never read them. I just signed.

Two week later I got home only to find this note on the table,

Dear Irene,

I want you to know you are not to blame in all this, after my first girlfriend broke up with me I was so hurt. So I made a vow to myself that I would marry a woman who loved me more than the way I loved her. That way I would not suffer any heart breaks. I did so and everything was okay until I met the woman who drives me crazy. Am sorry that I made you go through all this pain but I really love this woman. Please don’t look for me because I won’t be back.

Regards

Ian

After reading it all the strength on my legs was gone, I sat down on the floor.... pinched myself so that I could wake up from that night mare only to realize my night mare was my reality....

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