There are two different people in
my body, these two people used to be at peace or at least looked at things form
the same angle until when things fell apart. Since then they have never agreed
on anything not even the dreams that I dream or the food that I should eat. They
fight against each other with an endless rage that take all of my energy: one
person wants to live in the past even though wasn't so good, this person is somehow is stack in the past, and loves everything that is in it while the other person want to forget the past, everything in it and look toward the future ....
George Santayana once said, “those
who forget the past are doomed to repeat it”, a part of me agree with him,
without remembering the past it is impossible to learn from it, the past
mistakes past experiences will not have any importance to you. Yeah that's the
argument of one side of me, the side that refuses to let go of the past, the
side that fight to hold on to the past memories, memories that used to bring smile
to my face but now have become ghosts that hunt the same smile. I do not want to repeat the past, I want to
remember everything that happened and how it happened, it’s not easy since it
means opening your wounds over and over again and afraid of doing what you used
to do best since it might lead you back to where you used to be.
Of those who run form there past,
none of them has been successful maybe it is because we all offspring of the
past and must work hard to establish our path through it. The past is part of me;
it makes me who I am today. Running form it does not just means I will be half
dead but the past has a unique way of catching up with those who run from it,
it overtakes the person you are, blotting out the future, the light in it, the
hopes and dreams you once had until there is no path left except that which
leads through it. The sooner you embrace it the better.
Then there is this other side
that keep telling me that the past is hopeless, let’s call it side 2, it keep
asking me how would my life be different if I didn't allow yourself to be
defined by my past? (May be better than how it is now). According to it, at some
point I may think that the past has something to tell me, I might think there is
something in it for me, something for me to understand, make sense of it may be
but, all that it will do it drag me down, bend me over backward and let the best
chances to enjoy this life to go to waste.
For more than two decades I have
woken up in the morning asking myself if today was my last day on earth how I
will want to spend it, if I would want to do what I was going to do on that particular
day, not once was my answer yes. But I still didn't change what I had planned
to do on that day. I did things that lead me to where I am today; to the person
I am today, broken, wounded and full of regrets. If I was going to die today would I want to
waste a single minute of my day in the past? Naah!! I wouldn't, so why leave in
the past?
Dear diary, it is not that I do
not want the future and everything it has to offer, it’s just that I don’t trust
it, I trusted it in the past and it played dirty tricks on me, taking
away from the one thing that mattered most leaving me with nothing but
regrets. My mistrust for the future makes it hard for me to give up my past; I
am used to the past though the pain in it feels like a fresh wound every time I
remember it. Yeah there is something heavy, something in me that is build up
like a stone that keep pulling me back every time I want to take a step forward, and I know it’s my past. But then its all I have, it’s all I have ever
had, tomorrow might not be mine but no one can take my past form me and am
enslaved to it.
Unfortunately for me, the clock
is ticking..... Every minute that goes by add up to my past, my future
recedes...possibilities decreasing, regrets mounting. But there is one thing
that I will always be grateful for, knowing you and the son of the retired
general..........!!! I love you
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