Dear diary ,
Did you know that I rarely talk about love and
everything that has to do with it? Lots of people don’t know this about me. May
be that is because I have experienced so little love that I don't really know what
to say about it. Or maybe it’s because I have been in so many heartbreaking relationships that
I don't believe in love anymore. Lately every time I answer a question about love
someone will tell me am too young to think of love in a way that I am, that I should
think of it as a fairy tale, as something that can be so perfect so unique once
I get my prince charming….but I don't think happily ever after is a realistic
goal to anyone.
For some reason everyone is
waiting for a soulmate, someone who will be their life time companion, someone
who will complete them in a way no one else can. Someone who will awake their
soul make them reach for more. Some claim to have found such a person and they
are happy. These people will tell you, cannot say you have lived until you have
loved someone with all your heart and soul. That the joy of finding love is
worth the pain of searching for it, they will tell you that it’s better to put
your heart on the line, risk everything and walk away with nothing than playing
it safe. But for those of us who have been broken so many times than we can remember, know
that for sure love is a lot of things and safe isn't one of them.
There are those who find themselves in
wrong relationships, may be it is because they are terrified with the idea of
being alone or scared of hurting the other person that they end up settling for
loveless relationships, relationships that they don't enjoy, relationships they
are not happy with and they stay trapped in their misery for month
or even years. I have been in one of these myself… and it was the loneliest
thing I have ever felt. these people tend to believe there is no other person who will love them more or make them happier. They convince themselves that things will change for the better somewhere down the line but they don't. And then there are those who are in good relationships,
they enjoy every part of it until circumstances intervenes and break their hearts
into tiny little pieces making them wish they never enjoyed the relationship in
the first place. Cursing love and everything that has to do with it, trying to
forget how it all felt but unable to do it. Some may choose to spend the rest of their lives trying to find that love again.
Dear diary, if you have ever been
heartbroken somehow you doubt your ability to love and to be loved, even if you
manage to be happy again someday it makes you wonder if he/she will love you tomorrow
the way he loves you today. Am still trying to put the pieces of my heart back
together, nurse it may be so that it can someday love again, feel loved, experience it again, and maybe I can tell my grandchildren about love
without thinking about the painful memories that accompany it. They say
you can never really heal from the loss until you allow yourself to feel it. That
if you learn to sit with loneliness and embrace it for the gift its… for what
it is then it might turn into an opportunity for me to know me and how strong I
can be, but so far I have only seen my weaknesses, am yet to see my strength…..
People look at me, admire me,
think I have got it all together, that everything is going on fine… some wish
to have my life, little do they know that it’s not fun being me, there is
nothing good about all if it except for the part where I get to talk to you
pour my heart to you. See you soon!!
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