When I was young, all I could
think of was how I was going to conquer the world. I could picture myself in
the shoes of the great, the history makers, the movers and shakers, the de la
cream of the society. I derided or rather ridiculed failure. I was, in simple
terms, way over my head. Of course, I was young at the time which basically
meant that I could not fully comprehend the realities of life. I held the
belief (in ignoramus at the time) that the issue of poverty could be easily
resolved by the government printing as much money as possible and distributing
it to its citizens. Back then, I had not had the opportunity to learn the
scarcity of money concept or even how inflation came about. I was, in
retrospect, wallowing in my own ignorance.
I castigated people for
what I thought is right, looked down on others simply because I was ignorant
and upheld others even when their character was wanting. Some of you might
think that am being hard on myself, that I need not hold myself responsible for
the skewed way in which I viewed things at the time. Of course you are right (or
I like to think that you are). I have come to learnt that what we are today is
a total summation of our environment, our outlook in life and sometimes the
influence of those people close to us. I was pretty a bright chap right from
elementary, I loved the feeling of being tops, of taking home presents every
end of the term. At the time, it meant the world to me. I was not a wayward child;
I loved reading anything with words scripted on it.
What I didn’t know was
that my transformation had started. What I can’t really recall was whether the
transformation was positive or negative. I began curving an image alien to
myself. The once jovial son of the retired general cut a lonely figure. I became
more immersed in my own world, I no longer found company interesting, I did not
deride pleasure in group activities, and I was quite the peculiar child. At some
point, my parents were concerned. They indulged me to open up, to let out what
it is that was bothering me. What they didn’t know at the time was that I was
going through a phase of self reprisal. I had begun reflections at a tender
age. In fact, I had become so good at it that I could judge anyone or anything
that appeared in front of me. I was curious about everything.
I used to wonder why a 13
year old boy could tell an equally confused girl that they would marry one day.
I mean, it beats logic but then as they say, there is something about “love”
that goes beyond logic. I couldn’t quite figure out if they were under some
form of illusion or if they simply confused lust with love or better still
infatuation. Either way, I figured out that the best way to live my life is by
simply not concerning myself with the activities of other people. This did not
last for long. I was not immune to my environment as I had fallaciously meant
myself to believe. The pressure was immense, the atmosphere infectious, the dye
cast. The son of the retired general had (by all means) to come out of his self
inflicted alienation. Come out I did, but I never quite shook off the peculiar
attitude I had on people. It was if I had been cursed to lead a certain kind of
life.
As I take stock of what i am
today, the far I have come, I don’t know whether to be grateful or sorry. I find
it quite surprising that today I should castigate or rather uphold the man that
I am today. I have been down more than I could ever imagine, I have been happy
a good time of my life, I have cried most of the times, laughed with reckless
abandon, engaged in mischief for the love of it, passed my exams at times, disappointed
with it at times but I never was really disillusioned about the whole aspect of
me and life. I think in all fairness that I was contented with my life. That
should be enough right? It isn’t. Right now it’s like am in a rut. It’s like am
undergoing a midlife crisis yet am so young. I have trust issues, i am always
suspicious. I worry too much about tomorrow, about my place on the table, about
my love life, my achievements, my regrets and so on and so forth.
I know I need to get my
act together. At this point in time, I understand why the world is the way it
is. I am more learned now. I base my arguments not on some skewed ignorant
thinking but on analysis and understanding of the situation at hand. Deep down,
I know am not alone in this. Chances are that many of you have been where I am
now. A time when you question everything, when you feel like you have not done
enough, like you have not been decisive enough, like you have not loved enough
or ultimately worked hard enough. What do you do at such times? What do you do
when you look up in the sky and all you see are the dark clouds? Do you let the
moment carry you away? Dear diary, hope is the last thing that dies in man. Whether
you are going through a difficult situation, feel overwhelmed by the current
circumstances or feel like you are a failure, do not give up!
Regrets will always be
there in so far as we are in this treacherous world. Don’t let the past dictate
the present or determine the course of your future. When you fall into the rut
as you would every once in a while, purpose to look at the positive aspect of
it and give bad luck, bad decisions, and bad things you did a wide berth. And yes!
We all get wiser with time! You can take consolation from that “dear diarians”
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