I brought it upon my self... 1

Dear diary,

Sometimes, I really hate my self and wish I could run away from this shameful person.  I feel so bad for the wrong things that I have done to people who loved me the most, I wish I could go back and change everything but I cant, I wish I could forget but I cant. Buddha taught all humans that each and every one of our suffering is rooted in desire. Anyone who ever desired something and did not get it or maybe worse he/she got it and subsequently lost it will agree with him. Desiring another person is perhaps more dangerous than desiring an object, it can make you do things that you might regret later when it is too late. I knew this but I still wanted to make sure I fulfilled all my desires to be happy. I did not care who I had to use to make myself happy. I fought so hard for my happiness that I forgot determination could be dangerous sometimes.

I was named after my great grandmother Rachael; she was a great woman who would have been ashamed of me if she saw what I have turned out to be. I grew up in a small town and my childhood was as normal as it could be. When I was in highschool I started dating. I had a series of boyfriends but there was only one guy whom I could never forget. He was my teacher... I really loved him and we went out a couple of times but we could not keep our relationship because it was forbidden to have a teacher student relationship. I have never forgotten him. I dare say I miss him, I still see him in my dreams sometimes. They are nightmares most of the times tinged with love but I really don’t mind.

You can never protect yourself from sadness without protecting yourself from happiness. Since my break up with Mr. Teacher I could not date any other person, I tried but it barely lasted for two weeks. I think I was searching for him in other people. I was so hurt, I couldn't even breath when I saw him at school, I decided I was going to protect my heart from that time onwards. I swore to myself I would never love anyone again like the way I loved him. Little did I know I was building a wall that even though it would keep my heart from being broken, it was also going to keep me from finding the person who really deserved my love.

Dear diary, when I got to college few years later I met my husband Josan. He was a really lovely guy, a decent kind of a man every woman would have loved to have him as a husband. He had a heart of a poor boy and a mind of a conqueror but I could not love him the way I was supposed to, may be I was being too picky, or may be the wall I had built around my heart was preventing me from going all the way, or maybe I had become the type of woman who could not feel love even if it was just right in front of her. I didn't know what was wrong with me but I knew something was not right because I had never been able to love any other person truly since Mr. Teacher.

Even though I couldn't love him all the way Josan was a patient man and he knew how to give me the best times of my life. He came from a rich family so he could afford to take me to exotic places that I would really enjoy. Before I knew it, I was pregnant with Jason’s baby. He was a responsible man who wanted to raise his children in a family. I wanted to do the same too that’s why when he proposed for marriage I greed. I knew it was not right since I couldn't love him like the way he deserved to be loved but being a mother meant more than giving birth to a baby... it means sacrificing for the benefit of your children even if it will mean sacrificing your own happiness, I began to teach myself to love him, to love his best qualities, to remind myself of why he was such a great man and why I was lucky to have him.

A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together, it is when imperfect couple learn to enjoy their differences, and I was successful in that, I learned how to enjoy our differences and loved Jason for who he was (or I like to think I did). After the wedding my life with Jason was so perfect... he was such a responsible guy, he worked so hard to make sure I was happy, he didn't want to upset me in any way. I loved him more each day. I began to miss him when he was not around and he was smart enough to make sure I did not miss him for too long. By the time our daughter Janice was born we were inseparable. It was such a blessing; it was as if she had sealed us together.

Two years later my father in law passed away, he left Jason in charge of all his companies until his younger siblings were old enough... this is where everything began..........

read the continuation ......."I brought it upon myself 2"