I met Mr. Teacher when I was so
lonely and I guess I just wanted to feel special again. He was so caring and
lovely, he would not stop calling and compliment me, something that my husband
had forgotten ever since he was handled over the company. My loneliness made me
feel like we had something in common, a natural chemistry may be, that feeling
you get when you know something big is going to happen, like you are bound to
be with that person. Psychologists call this kind of feeling narcissistic love,
the kind of love where you are really sure it is true but when the dust has
settled later on you begin to ask yourself that stupid question “what was I
thinking??” in which the answer is usually : you weren't.
Mr. Teacher was my first true
love and as we all know a woman’s first true love never really go away even if
you are not speaking to them anymore. They stay there like phantoms that dwell
in the corners of our new love stories, never entirely vanishing from sight, they materialize in our minds whenever they please. Over the years I had learn to
love Jason the truth is by the time I met Mr. Teacher my love for Jason was so
much greater than the love I had for Mr. Teacher but I was blinded by the loneliness
and my desire to search for happiness. I knew Jason loved me for sure but was
not around all the time so I just wanted to use Mr. Teacher to make myself happy
(it was so wrong) but I didn't care.
When I got back from the trip, the man I married had returned with his full attention on his family, I began to feel guilty over what had happened when I was away. There are times I would lie awake at night trying
to figure out what to do about my complicated love life, if I should tell Mr. Teacher
that there was no us or if I should confess to Jason or If I should do both. I
wanted to tell Jason everything, but I knew I would hurt him too much so I buried
everything inside and let it hurt me instead. maybe if I had been able to, maybe
we could have lived differently, maybe I would have been with him now instead
of being here alone wondering what will become of us at the end of all this. I
had never kept a secret that big from my husband and now it was consuming me. On
the other hand I didn't know how I was going to tell Mr. Teacher that we were
done, so I lived in a constant danger of becoming paralyzed by indecision, terrified
that every choice make might be the wrong choice.
Dear diary, as if all this was
not enough, two months later Mr. Teacher called telling me he was in town and
he desperately needed to see me. After thinking for a very long time I decided
that I was going to meet him. I had made up my mind; it was time to tell him
the truth. Our meeting had to be a secret; I couldn't tell Jason I was going to
meet him because he knew how much I used to love him. I feared it would have
made him insecure or something. When the day arrived I went to our meeting point
as we agreed. It was in a restaurant somewhere out of town; Jason had called to tell me that he would be late since he was going to dinner with some of his business
partners. I told him I was going to see a friend in the neighborhood (which of
cause was another lie that I regret to date).
That night for the first time in
my life I was ashamed of myself when I saw Mr. Teacher approaching my table, I
was never used to feel that way, I was used to feel shy whenever I saw him. I think
that was when I really knew the difference between shy and shame, shyness is
when you turn your head away from something you want but shame was when you
turn your head because you know you don’t deserve what you have. I didn't deserve
the love Mr. Teacher was offering neither did I deserve the love and all the sacrifices
my husband had made for the sake of our marriage.
I knew if I would not tell him
that night I probably was going to die of stress, so I told him everything, I
still remember the look on his face. He was so disappointed in me but I was
ready for that, what I wasn't ready for, was to answer my husband as to what was
going on. It happened that, Jason was actually having dinner in the same
restaurant I had agreed to meet Mr. teacher... he saw me from the very first
minute I stepped in to the restaurant, so when Mr. Teacher left the table angry
he came to me asking me what was up and why I did lie to him about my “secret
meeting with Mr. teacher”.
So many times it seemed like I
had chances to stop things before they become worse, but on that day I knew all
those chances where gone and whatever I said would not make a difference. I
told my husband the whole truth, about my loneliness, and the affair but the
love he had for me died the same day I killed the love Mr. Teacher had for me. Since
then, we have never stopped arguing which is so much affecting our daughter
Janice. I hear he has an affair with his assistant but then what do I do?? I started
it and I surely regret it. He travels around the world with his assistance, she
even chooses what he wears and what he eats, it’s like he does not notice me
anymore........ I just wish I knew all this was going to happen, I just want a
second chance to make things right...I just hope it is not too late for us.....
The end
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