The Blind Date

Back in the days when my hormones were raging, I despised small talk. My idea of fun was getting right into it. It was masculine sort of, macho and “getting to know each other” was rather a waste of time. But now as a certified occupant of the third floor, I can’t even begin to imagine how I let my raging hormones take control of me. Life indeed has humbled me and what I cherished some 10 or so years ago is what actually makes me want to hug a transformer (That will never happen). That aside, here I was on a blind date with some 20 something year old slay queen (I wonder in what kingdom she is a queen of or what she actually slays for that matter). Every indication was that she was a wannabe, the 18 till I die kinda girl, the modern day version of Cleopatra.

So I asked her what she liked doing in her spare time and she answered without flinching that eating was her hobby. You should have seen my pupils narrow, my jaws drop and it took every ounce of energy in my body to fake a smile and pretend as if the muzzled surprise was an approval of her “well meaning” hobby. I had long given up on the dating thing. Nothing excited me anymore. My idea of fun was walking into a club on sunny Saturday afternoon, sitting in a strategic corner, sipping on my favourite local beer and watch or rather form opinion of people. It’s a peculiar habit I know but one which gives me great satisfaction. It makes me understand the behaviour of humans before and after they get intoxicated. It also makes me understand just how uniquely different we are as a human race.

Back to my slay queen.

She had the physique and the presence. The fake eyebrows though were a turn off. Her cleavage laid bare for all (I suspect one of her friends lied to her that it was a sure way of keeping me hooked). From the way her clothes hugged her body and the uncomfortable way with which she walked, it was clear the shoes were borrowed. I am not particularly a funny person so you can imagine how incensed I got every time she laughed at my supposed “jokes”. I mean, the son of the retired general is not good at cracking jokes!

So how exactly is eating a hobby? I asked, finally getting her to open up about her miserable life (Alright, I get it. Don’t give me that look. I can be quite cold at times). I was already getting bored. She was clueless about current affairs, her role model was Kim Kardashian, her goal in life to become the next Vera Sidika. To her, Vera Sidika is the epitome of beauty, the very definition of success and the representation of woman power. Like seriously, what happened to the girl child?

What happened to the good old girls who dreamt of pursuing education to whatever level, pursuing a dignified career, being a role model to their younger siblings or actually being the pillar of homes as our mothers were? What we have now are the wannabes who crave for attention on Instagram with semi-nude pics, whose favourite meal is pizza, zero cooking skills, fake eyebrows, empty brains and trying too hard to fit in. They loathe anything books, deem a simple dinner date in a downtown hotel a travesty, and are ready to throw their cheap bodies to you at the sight of a crispy shiny note. Holy Moly!

Well, such is life. Who am I to even purport to be the moral police? We all have our lives to live. Don’t we? Let me stop ranting and get back to my sleazy 20 something blind date. “What are your likes and dislikes?” The question brought me back from wherever my mind had wandered. I actually begin to think that we finally can talk about something interesting you know. My response, “I like pretty much everything” This vague answer was actually meant to provoke the next question but to my utter dismay, she simply smiles and shrugs it off. What a dumb ass!

“What about the dislikes?” At this point, it was clear to me this conversation was actually heading nowhere. You see, I love to have an intelligent conversation with a woman. I love a woman who can sell to me something more than her luscious lips, her exposed cleavages or fake mascara. That’s just me. The aesthetics don’t just cut it. That said, I finally get to tell her that I dislike people who spell my middle name incorrectly. “Spell or write?” she poses the question surprised. Well, the spelling is actually reflected in the writing. My middle name is Samwel with a “W” and not Samuel with a “U”. I know it’s funny but it kinda gets to me. Write my name well because if you don’t I would actually be staring in the dark on my bed wide awake at night thinking of a thousand reasons as to why a human being couldn’t get a simple thing right. Like seriously, you only had one job for crying out loud!

She goes ahead to tell me that I am weird and that such things shouldn’t make me lose sleep at night. At this point I feel like telling her the time I just spent with her will actually make me lose my sleep at night. I would probably be lying on my bed wondering how at my age I could seriously waste my cool two hours listening to this bimbo. But then again, the end justifies the means! Doesn’t it?

“I also love polygamy or rather it’s ingrained in me”, I continued. At this point she was genuinely surprised. All this talk of a real man or gentleman simply doesn’t cut it for me. You see, human beings are a hypocritical lot. Ever wondered why people deem their new catch better than the last one? Isn’t that madness? So you’ve had like 10 boyfriends/girlfriends and somehow, in some twisted way, a new boyfriend/girlfriend is always better than the last one. Oh he is sweet, he opens doors for me, he doesn’t snow, he doesn’t cheat, he prays 3 times a day, he only drinks on weekends, he is good in bed bla bla bla. So why then do you have a long list of them? Do they kind of mutate every time? Jesus!

At this point she was visibly getting bored or rather wondering what really prompted her to come to this blind date thing. Here was a guy who was less interested in her goodies that she was displaying and yapped on end about how a misspell of his middle name makes him want to die. “So do you want to know if am circumcised?” I blurted out. It was an out of the blue kinda question. Something she wasn’t expecting and I think this was it. She made up her mind she wasn’t going to deal with this strange son of a bitch and politely told me something that went like “My mom doesn’t like it when I stay out late so I have to go”. “It was nice talking to you”.

Me: Did you know I have a wife?

Her: What?

Me: You heard me

Her: Then why did you come for this date? I feel used

Me: But I didn’t as much as touch you!

She waves her hand, clicks and walks out in a huff!

I motion to the waiter and tell her to get me Dirty Martini 2 doubles. That went well. Didn’t it?

A lost battle

By Norah Peter

I was standing right in front him, fully exposed and with nothing to hide with. 
Fear, shame and insignificance were running through my mind.
I was feeling so small and helpless, with nowhere to run
this was all a making of my own choice, and I had to face it head on.

He was not alone; there were three of them when I walked in.
Anticipation and expectation were floating in the room
I was smiling to hide my fear, and rubbing my hands to calm my nerves.
After all these years, I was ready to face my fears even while trembling

So, I walked out with the tail between my legs, and my head low.
Failure finally had a sound, sadly it was the sound of my shoes hitting the floor
I was walking out of the battle field wounded, wondering if I was ever made to fight
Vulnerability had it way, and I learned I can't win fighting alone

And when our eyes met today, there were unanswered questions behind his unbowed gaze
Self hatred run swiftly in my nerves, and I wanted to cease to exist
but I was forced to look into my failure, and not let it determine my fate.
This was a lost battle, but I'm definitely not a looser!

I'll rise up,show up and fight any time I'm needed to. Despite my past failure

Before it even began..

By Norah Peter

I would always stare at my cell phone for an hour or so before falling asleep; hoping that you would call. The last time we met I remember seeing fear in your eyes, but you assured me, you were perfectly fine. I was hoping you would say, you felt the same way as I did about you. Unfortunately; it didn’t happen; perhaps it’s because you had your arms wrapped around another woman waist and I was too blind to see.

I have not seen you since then, but I still dream of the day I will see you again.  Somehow I have this strange feeling that you are thinking of me. You are what I envision a home to be. You have always stood taller than the four walls of a house and you complexion is way brighter than any wall paint I have ever seen before.

I wait for that day when you will come and confirm my observation of you the last time we met and that it was true that you were scared. I hope that somehow when you look into my eyes you will realize the feeling was mutual.   I am waiting to hear you saying that, you lied when you said you were perfectly fine. Trust me, I understand where you were standing; I probably would have said the same thing if you asked me first. 

I want to take things lightly and allow things to automatically fall into place.  I am someone who likes things to be properly organized all the time; nothing frustrates me in my life than this part of my life that is yet to fall into place.  I have tried to put this piece of my life everywhere and it is yet to fit anywhere. Like a piece of fine china that has not found a proper display in the living room I have shoved my feeling behind the shelves to maintain a proper look to the on lookers. This is how I manage to look like I got it all together with the hidden pieces behind. I go on for days without looking into this piece for my peace of mind. But I wonder, am I trying too hard? Because I do not want to try too hard.

Sometimes I wish I could sleep with my front door slightly open so that when you gain courage to walk out of where you abode you would not bother to knock the door. But I am the kind of girl who goes by the book, and I have grown to believe that things should be done in the right way, and that a guy should be brave enough to pursue a girl. Making things easy for you, where you will not use your God given charm to get into me will not be good for us in the long run. My mother taught me that, and as I walk in and out of relationships that do not work I found that statement to be true over and over again.

The risk is, maybe you will never be courageous enough to come to me, or all this is just my imagination and there is nothing mutual between us. What I take as fear in your eyes could actually be pity; you pitying me for looking at you with so much hope that there could be something between us. I have even come to a place where I am wondering whether I am good enough for this or that I am aiming too high. Every time I think of that I damn the day I looked at you, because I know if I never looked I wouldn’t be so lost in this pit of imagination. Probably I would be settled somewhere mediocre.

Believe me; you are worth the risk and the wait. You are the four walls I am willing to reside my heart and you are the perfect hands I will comfortably be held by.  I know there is a chance that nothing will ever happen between us and that hurts badly.  My optimistic side is glad that I risked with a glance because I finally got a rough sketch of what I want love to look like.

When you come you better be ready to hear me out; even though all I have is a bunch of sad stories that I am willing to tell through the night and a lot of tears to cry out since it has been a while since I had a shoulder to cry on. After all this time I will not allow fear to paralyze my arms from having a perfect grip on you. I will also not let my not so perfect past to ruin the present moment I will share with you.  I am always updating my music library with emotion attached to every song. And the funny part is I have all the lyrics memorized.  I promise to punch you on the face for keeping me waiting this long and turn me into a poet who never wants to be discovered.

Well, until you are here am taking the risk, fully knowing that I might end up losing but I am willing to live with the fact that I risked. I risked looking, I managed to see and I was brave enough to wait and not settle for anything that does not resonate with what I saw.  You have changed what home means to me, you redefined four walls and if that is the only part you were meant to play in my story you did it so well. You are the four walls to me, you presence is home and I am glad you got to be a part my story. 

The Pandora's Box

Dear Diary,

I never told anyone this before. But today, right now, I am going to tell you everything.

I am not what everybody thinks I am. I am not the woman you dreamt of or the kind that men dream of for that matter. In fact am the lady your mama warned you about and ironically, your father highly recommended. I wait for nothing, I wait for no one. Do not fall in love with me unless you’re ready for a good damn fight. I will not submit to every word you say. No, I am not that woman; I am not like the woman you read in fairy tales or watched in fictional movies who would, as expected of her, obey and give in to the whims of her husband’s wishes. I am irrational, I speak my mind and as such, you should be ready to defend your points.

Falling for me will be easy, keeping me is what will be challenging. If you are ready then we start now, we fight against the routines, the bad habits and anything typical. But if you are not ready then you must know I will not wait for you to be ready. Am the one who knows how to move on. You can call me the one who got away because I m always running and never turns around to see if those I left behind are chasing after me. Yeah, I don't turn around because I learnt a while ago that when God closes a door against me, it is better for me to leave it closed than to keep Knocking on it. And if he gives me a key to open a door I shouldn't linger on the closed door but rather embrace the new opportunity.

I will never beg you to love me; I learnt that the hard way. There is no use in hopelessly trying to beg or make someone who is already on their way out to stay. I refuse to chase anyone who does not know my value. I wasn’t always this way. Trust me, I actually used to believe there was something romantic about fighting for someone. May be I was watching too much movies back then, but as I sit here with these stones on my chest, a place where hope used to lie, I realise there is nothing good about having to continuously convince someone to love you. I have come to realise I want to be loved unconditionally, I want someone who can hardly get through the day because he has not heard my voice; someone who cannot sleep because am not next to him. Someone who won’t leave or give up no matter what!

I am not an average girl who is often limited but never duplicated, so don’t come to me with an average girl talk, with your favourite colour and astrology signs (it’s boring). No, tell me about the things that keep you awake at night, the nightmares in your sleep and the knives on your back. Tell me what you see when you stand in front of the mirror. I have been off track so many times and I don’t even know where I am going but I try to understand my environment and the people in my life as much as I can. Greatness demands that I understand that am not as big as I thought myself to be but am capable of becoming far better than I have ever imagined I would be. 

I know I am not built up like a supermodel, have the lips like those of Angelina Jolie or the soft silk hair like that of an Indian actress but over the years, I have learnt to love myself unconditionally. Something that took me a great deal of effort so if you love me, love me as I am. Do not point the part of my body that you think should be reconstructed in an attempt to make me fit your fantasies.

I am very independent and I like being alone. I have control over my own shit and therefore in order to win me over your presence has to feel better than my solitude. Anything a man can give me materialistically, I can surely give it to myself. So, my definition of spoiling me is giving me your time, giving me experiences, unforgettable moments and giving me a  part of your life that you've never shared with anybody. A part that can never be bought or compromised. In this race, you will not only be competing with other people but also with my comfort zones.

Music is a big part of my life. Somehow, it has always remained the best way of letting out my emotions and frustrations. It is my escape from real life drama. Over the years, my taste of music has drastically changed from time to time but one thing that is clear is that I appreciate some genres of music more than others. I don’t just enjoy listening to music but I also love dancing and somewhere deep inside me, I still harbour hope that someday, I will become a professional dancer.

I don’t really enjoy reading. There you have it! Well, am sure you're wondering how that is possible considering that I have a bunch of books in my room. Well, let me tell you how this is possible. I don’t enjoy reading something am not interested in. I mean, I have spent half of my life in school being forced to read and consume tonnes of information that I wasn’t even interested in. Why would I want to do it to myself now that I know what i want? So yeah I read but only the things that interest me. After all, I find audio books and videos more suitable than actually reading; perhaps it’s because they allow me to multitask.

Well, people say I have a bad memory. But I don’t really think I do. It’s just that my brains like to remember a lot of pointless stuff, facts, jokes and loads of crap that really don't matter and forget the important stuff that actually matter. Thanks to technology, we now can put reminders on our mobile phones and computers so guess what? Problem solved!

I am always so busy; in fact my life is busier that it should be. I think I began to pile up a lot of responsibilities when I was lonely in order to feel the void space. And in a way, it did serve the purpose but  somehow, I felt disappointed when  my work seemed like it did not make a difference or it did not bring the best out of me. So, I kept adding things to my plate in an attempt to bring a significant difference and make myself feel better. Before i knew it, i had a lot of small extra curricula activities that eat up all my time and I don’t even have time to socialise (no wonder I have not gone on a date in ages). As much as I would like to change this in the near future, I feel all these activities are part of me and if I stop doing any of them, then am losing the opportunity to make a difference. I don’t know what I will do but am working on a plan.

Well, they say the truth is something that is told, not something that is known; and today, I have given you my truth or at least part of it. I am sure you are wondering why I told you this. Well, perhaps it has something to do with the odd empty feeling I had when you first asked me on a date. Not a bad sort of emptiness but the akin to lack of enthusiasm. Like when you have been in pain for so long and suddenly you realise you are not anymore and you just don’t really care what follows next. After all, nothing lasts forever. 

My Life Lessons

Life, it is said, is a journey laden with lessons. Some of us fall and stand up, some falter and wallow in self-pity, others choose the carefree path while others decide to deal with everything that life throws at them. Whatever the case scenario, we can all agree that we need to push forward in the face of adversity. We need to recognize that we own the decisions we make and how your life turns out is more or less the total summation of the choices and decisions you make. I know this pretty well and in as much as I can’t vouch that I have made all the right decisions along the way, the lessons have been instrumental in the trajectory my life has taken of late. 

No doubt, I have made some pretty stupid decisions, I have mistaken affection for loyalty along the way, I have thrown away priceless relationships, I have revelled in instant success and gratification and I have been at the lowest a mortal can be in life. Looking back, it was all worth it. Every little experience, every painful encounter, every nostalgic moment shaped who I am today. In other words, I have learnt a lot in the 20 something years I have been in this universe.

Family is strongest support system

Make no mistake. Your family is your greatest support system. When the chips are down, when your back is against the wall, when no one else wants to associate with you, your family will always come through. When everyone else turns their back on you, when you are sickly and a shadow of your former self, when everyone despises you and sneers at you, you will always find homage in your family. You will always be accepted, nurtured and find unconditional love in your family. Love your family, check up on them every once in a while, interact with cousins, nephews and nieces every once in a while. Check how your aging parents are doing. Call them every once in a while just to say “hi and I love you”. At the end of the day, they will always come through for you no matter what.

Choose Friends wisely

I don’t mean to be sadistic or anything but I have learnt that it’s good to keep a small circle of friends. As I always say, it’s good to keep a small circle of friends. The fewer, the better. It’s a fact of life that friends come in different shades. There are those who will sing you praises because you happen to buy them a couple of beers at the bar every weekend. There are those who genuinely care for you and genuinely care about you (these are the kind that are concerned about your well-being. The kind that give you advice and encourage you to soldier on even when the going is tough). There are those who are backstabbers, the hangers on, the gold diggers - Everything about them is fake. Granted, discerning a true and fake friend is somewhat difficult. However, you don’t have to scratch deeper on the surface to tell fake friends. Surround yourself with people who make a positive impact in your life.

Don’t take your health for granted

Don’t shrug that nagging headache that keep showing up every 2 days. Don’t take for granted your ulcers condition or resort to over the counter medications every time you encounter a familiar disease symptom. It could be a precursor to something huge. Don’t take for granted the fact that you can move your limbs effortlessly, wake up in the morning and stretch your body or even run when you feel like it. Trust you me, having a good health is a gift that more often than not, we do not give God credit enough. If you can afford, go for full medical check-up every once in a while. You will only realise that good health is a gift when you are lying in that hospital bed unable to move a limb.

Nothing is ever that serious

So you didn’t hack that job interview? So your relationship didn’t turn out as expected? So your favourite football team lost? So you lost a great business deal or a big client of yours left? Come on! Relax! Nothing is ever that serious. Like seriously, do not lose sleep over something you don't have control over. Don’t linger for so long on the closed door but look ahead for new opportunities. 

Everything in life is temporary including the problems you might be encountering right now. There will always be another job interview, there will always be another game, and the storm won’t stay for long. In fact, I have noticed that we tend to create a mountain out of a mole hill as regards our problems. Relax buddy; nothing is ever that serious.

Your current situation is not permanent

Do not fret or get worried on end because nothing seems to work. You might be down there struggling through school or your business start-up or anything imaginable. Don’t lose hope. It’s only for a while and sooner or later things will be fine; better. Don’t get worried when you are going through difficult times. Don’t turn back when you encounter problems and challenges in life. After all, challenges shape our lives and teach us valuable lessons. 

Today you might only be affording one meal a day or you might be living in squalid conditions but that doesn’t mean that that’s how things will always be. Consider what you are going through now a storm that will pass in due time. Above all, have a positive attitude, be confident in yourself and your abilities and before you know it, you will have weathered the storm.

Don’t change for anyone

It is okay for you to try and fit in. However, don’t be somebody you are not simply because you want to appease someone or simply because you want to be accepted into a circle. If you do so, you will only end up being a slave of your circumstances. If you are going through a tough marriage, pack and leave. You don’t have to be unhappy because you are worried what the society will say. Accept who you are and don’t make apologies for it.

Work on self-improvement

Knowledge is power. Shatter the glass ceilings, go against the grain and knock down doors if you must but never let the embers of your dreams fizzle out. Read and acquire as much knowledge as you can. Trust you me, it gives you power, confidence, and enables you to have a positive outlook in life. I understand reading is not your thing or probably you loathe it with passion. However, if you nourish your body with food on a daily basis, endeavour to nourish your mind and soul with knowledge. Endeavour to learn something new every single day. I promise you won’t regret it. I have never regretted it.

Happiness is your portion

Happiness is what you make it. Do what makes you happy and don’t have any apologies for it. Go out every once in a while and be wild. Dance to music you love, spend time with people who matter to you, go to the countryside every once in a while. In other words, endeavour to do what brings you fulfilment. You love travelling? Swimming? Road trips? Picnics? Go ahead and do it. Life is too short to be rigid!

Be respectful and humble

I have learnt that respect is effortless. Respect your elders, respect your age mates, respect your juniors and so on and so forth. I mean, it costs nothing to be respectful. Don’t be so proud. Remember that at some point in your life you didn’t have what you have now. Be humble and you will see God doing wonders in your life. You are not the first person to get a first class degree. You are not the first person to live in an upmarket estate. You are not the first person to drink Ksh. 20,000 bottle of wines. 

Be humble, respectful and have a positive attitude towards life. Remember that everything in life is vanity. Billionaires become broke, businesses end up in receiverships, and beautiful girls come and go. Don’t feel so special. All is vanity.

Develop a saving culture and don’t shelve that business idea

So you have a business idea? Go for it! A few years down the line, you will regret why you never put that business idea you have now into motion. Save as much as you can. You never know what will happen tomorrow.

In a nutshell, whatever happens in your life, always ensure that you have a positive attitude and learn from your mistakes. Till next time, adios!

The war within me

Dear diary,

For a while now I keep waking up tired than the way I went to sleep. There are two parts in me that are fighting. Each one determined to take control of my mind and eventually my body. One is trying to convince my mind to take the road that I swore never take again. And each time it manages to take my mind under control, I feel like am drowning with fear of unknown. It makes me crave for someone in a way I have never done before. Like I would literally be happy if he was here with me, sitting next to me even though I know he wouldn’t talk to me. It’s as if his presence is tied to the side of me that is responsible for making me smile.

Have you ever wished for a phone call, a text or anything from someone and all you could think of is when they will wake up from their sleep and just do anything? It doesn’t really matter if it’s good of bad but just anything because for a while you cannot feel anything and out of desperation you need a sign to know that you are still alive. That you still exist and in the land of the living not yet condemned to the dark future.

I never pretend to know what love is, but on moments like these I find myself able to define what the word love once mean to me, on days like these I know for sure love is knowing all about someone and still wanting to be with them more than any other person in this world, love is trusting him with the deepest, darkest secrets that you are ashamed off. Love is feeling comfortable and safe in your own body, love is feeling strong when you are with him but at the same time so week on your knees every time his skin is against yours.

But there is a second part, which would not stop screaming, yelling how much closure is a joke and every time it takes me in front of a mirror, make me stare at my own image wondering when I became so weak unable to fight for myself, when did I become one of those people who placed their happiness in the hands of un-trusted and ungrateful creatures.  Every time I look at myself get choked by anger, thinking how the same people who made me feel everything at one point made me feel like I was nothing at another point.

Step by step I begin to examine what I thought they were good times; I begin to question what was so good about them and why I liked them. Before I know it, I find myself confronted with the cold truth that, even on those moments that I held so precious , part of me would still be working on eggshells,  running my nerves, anxious about the future and when would be the next act of  disappearance, worried that he would forget like everyone else. Wondering why something did not feel right, when is the next switch and he wouldn’t recognize me anymore, how my heart was pulled down by constant changing of plans, trying so hard to catch up with the constant change of rules.

And it reminds me of how I lost so much and gained so little, how I forgave the same mistake over and over again just because I was afraid to lose someone who never saw my worth. How I am never going to be enough, not even for myself. And it whispers in my ears… “Darling he doesn’t care”, he forgot about you the moment he turned his back on you, he doesn’t think about you at night or see your face in a crowded room, he forgot how you smile even though he told you it was the most beautiful smile he had ever seen. He does not remember anything.

And I feel so cold inside, like an empty vessel. It’s a good thing that from time to time the other side runs to my rescue.  Teaching me to love the fool in me, the part of me that feels too much and love too much, the part of me that talks too much and would sacrifice too much for people that don’t remember me once their needs are fulfilled. The part that take too much chances, win sometimes and looses often. The parts that get hurts and broken and cries it self to heal because, it is that part of me that protect me from myself. The part of me that if dead, it would give power to the part that would rob me of my humanity, dignity and mercy.

“Awake from your slumber; arise from your sleep….” An old hymn would run through my mind before the second part would start counting all my mistakes. Your first mistake is always to love without conditions; giving people power to hurt you, by crushing your soul with their bare hands, words and even worse, their silence. And then your second mistake is always letting them know how much you need them, how you have been waiting for something like this for a long time, how your days will be empty and your nights cold if they are not by your side.

Your third mistake is as usual, to fall too fast for the idea of who they are. And this makes you miss the soft hints of deception in their words and actions, the points of concern you should have noticed. And then you love them more than they love you.  Kissing each little bruise and bone being convinced each scar had a story behind it even when it didn’t. They look at you with bored eyes and you convince yourself that they are tired and perhaps need few hours of rest, they hold you with careless, clumsy and dirty arms that have never hold anything precious and you are convinced they will learn to do it better.

Darling wake up and smell the coffee, you cannot wish on stars that aren’t bright. They are dark and that how they will always be, the best they can do is pull you in their darkness. This has to end, you have to put a stop to all this, don't be like the rest of them, you are better than this.

If I didn’t know any better I would say am possessed. But then again.. Can the light and the dark live in one room? Dear diary, Once upon the time I was falling in love, now am falling it to a deep sea of confusion and I feel trapped between true love and being alone forever and I have no idea which road to take.

A letter to my future Husband

Dear future husband

I don’t know if we have met or not but I feel it’s about time I write this letter. I have no idea what I want to tell you in this letter so am just going to go with the flow and write anything and everything about you but most importantly me and all the things that you should know before you ask me to marry you.

First of all, I want you to know if I say yes to you it is because I truly love you. I won’t say yes just because of peer pressure to be married and have a family of my own. No, I would never settle for less. I have had several proposals which did not turn into marriage because for one reason or another I thought I had not found you; and until I did I was not going to give up on you.

So here is the thing, I don’t know your Idea of a wife but my husband will be more of a partner than a husband.  He will be my best friend, a friend that I can sleep with, make love to, hustle with, travel with, shop with, club with, clean the house with, someone that I can totally rely on. I hope you will be my partner in crime, a life partner, someone I can talk anything to without regrets or fear of consequences  without being bound by obligations, human limitation or worrying what your reaction will be. Someone I can trust with my heart, my money and my life. Someone I can build with and laugh with about all the silly things.. Yes silly things even though I also have deepest affection for intellectual conversations, the ability to just sit and talk for hours about politics, religion, love, life and everything in between. Someone I am not afraid to lose because I know you will always be by my side no matter how difficult the situation seems to be

Darling, after all that I have been through in search for you, after all the deception and the lies, I have grown to appreciate more men who are honest. A man who will tell me exactly how it is no matter how difficult and painful it is. I hope you are a man who would own up to your mistakes and want to improve to become the better version of yourself. Don’t worry about me, the only thing that I will always love whole heartedly even if its painful is the truth. I also understand that we are all human and at one time or another you will make mistakes, and what define us is how well we rise after we have fallen. I will appreciate you more if I hear about these mistakes from you not from your friends, family or neighbors. I want to be the first to know, I want to be your confidant and someone you can easily talk to.

Dear future husband, my father is no hero in ordinary life, but he is famous for how he defend his woman no matter what.  If anyone ever try to hurt my mom he will immediately turn into a superman no matter who that person is. It does not matter if it is his sister or his mother. My mom is the queen of his heart and his house and he does not tolerate anyone who will disrespect her. I hope you are that kind of a man. I man who will fight for me and stand by my side no matter what. A man who would pick me over football, his friends and family and everything in between.

You don’t have to be a big man or a bouncer; you don’t have to be cool or athletic. You don’t even have to play guitar or fix cars or be a millionaire to be that man. But you have to be kind, because I know for sure that a good marriage is created by the little kind acts we share with each other. I will never be too old to be spoilt with random gifts, our romantic outings or to hear those three magic words (I love you/ I miss you). Let me wake up next to you with that morning kiss, have coffee in the morning and wonder through the city with my hand in yours. One thing I have learned is we will never be too old to hold hands in public or kissing in front of our children, but most importantly we should never go to bed angry at each other. It’s  in having the capacity to forgive and forget that will chain our souls forever, it’s in giving each other the safe environment  to grow that will teach our children the importance of finding the right partner.

I have a weakness that I think it’s about time I come clean, I am attracted to laughter. I hope you are the kind of person who smile often and think positively and enjoy the little things life has to offer. I admire someone who can put their cynical and pessimistic thoughts aside no matter how bad the situation is and bear through with a sense of humor; because staying close to such people makes me happier even in my worst moments. It’s also important to our children because I want them to grow in a happy family with a positive attitude even when nothing seems to be working.

You should also know I am a work in progress, at times I have meltdowns and I wet my pillows with tears when am in pain. Many times I find it difficult to let people in because there are times when I have opened my self to people and all they did was to walk all over me. Please know it is not you that I am afraid of, it is getting hurt, it is the pain and the heart breaks that gives me the chills then I think about the possibility of being broken again. Pain has been a big part of this journey and at times am afraid pain is all I will ever know. But you don't have to worry; my damaged heart and broken soul that were wounded along this journey are still in repair, I don’t know how long it will take before they are whole again but I assure you baby, the work that my father in heaven is doing is an excellent work and it is worth the wait.

In the end I hope we work together in advancing the kingdom of God, I pray that not only should we see the potential in each other and all the areas where our strength lies but also see the areas where we struggle and encourage each other to be and do better. I believe in knowing who we are without limiting our selves to expectations of who we are. Trying new things and experimenting should be the only thing that is constant in our lives. 

With endless love,

Future wife.