There
is something disturbing about these memories, I am not sure if it is because am
dissatisfied with the person I was back then or if it is because am embarrassed
by the weakness I see in that young confused version of me. The thing is if all
these had happened today I would have confronted him right there and then, but
for some reasons that I can not quite comprehend I didn't do it then, it took me two
solid years before I could even tell my friend (Mary) about what really happened
between me and Kyle and why all over sadden I was caught up in my own bubble
and spent less or no time with Kyle. Now that I think about it I think may be
its because I didn't know who to trust after I was betrayed by a guy who not
only said he was falling for me but a guy I once believed to be a true friend,
or maybe it is because I never want to talk about my painful experiences until
they do not hurt anymore, until when they don’t matter anymore.
I
remember it was around this time when I learned how to postpone my day tears to nights tears where i would wet my pillows and bed sheets without anyone noticing, I learned how to hide my
scars from people around me, how to hide inside myself, how to be
somebody else; someone who is happy and contented on the outside but wounded
and broken in the inside. And After I mastered all the tricks, Kyle was dead to
me. With this in mind am sure now you understand why I was shocked when I received
his email considering I have been ignoring his calls for the past 3 years. Okay without wasting anymore time let me show you his email;
Dear Shantelle,
I hope this email finds you
in good health, I am not fine but I hope I will get better when I hear from
you. It has been three years since I lost you as my true friend. I have tried calling and texting you with no
success but I hope you know I am really sorry about what I said to Gilead three
years ago. I know I did hurt you and for that am really sorry but you have to believe
me I did not intend to. I know it is too late to take back what I said but want
you to know I didn't mean any of it.
I know you know what I said
but here is what you didn't know; Gilead is not just a friend to me, he is my
brother, he has known me ever since I was born, he knows me so well sometimes I
think he knows me more than I know myself and he was sure I was falling for you
before I even knew it myself. He was the one who encouraged me to tell you about
my feelings. At first I wanted to pretend that it was okay for us being friends
after all I already had a girlfriend, but as the days went by I began to think
of you more than anything else. I kept replaying all the conversation we have
ever had, rereading all the emails and messages that we had exchanged every
night before I went to bed. It did not take long before I knew all I wanted was
you, you were made for me and me for you (If you must know this is the real
reason as to why I broke up with Truffy and why I became a regular visitor in
your apartment).
The truth is everyday I
would wake up, imagine every possible conversation that will lead me to tell
you about my feelings...I began to change all my behaviors that I thought you
might not like, dressed myself like Brad Pitt (he was your favorite celebrity back
then) and I must admit become a better person. Every morning I will be so
anxious to spend time with you and when you were there my anxiety would
transform into tension, and tension became fear, this fear would normally make
me embarrassed about showing affection that’s why I would sometimes seem cold
and distant.
It had been two days since
you told me you were not ready for a relationship, my fear had hit the top of
the roof and I was embarrassed about showing my affection especially because I
knew you might never feel the same for me. My conversation with Gilead happened at the time I was trying to get regain the part of me that was lost in you. I needed sometime to get over the fact that you were not ready and going out with you was not an option. I knew Gilead was not going to let it go just like that so I had to say something that will get him off my back and that was when I said what I said. I never understood why you were avoiding me all this while, I walked around try to understand what went wrong between us and I could never put a finger to it until Mary told me a year ago and since then I have never stopped regretting
that single sentence that ruined completely the chances of us being together.
They say wounds of your
past will never stop to bleed until you can find strength to open them, stick
your hands inside and pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in the
past. I have tried to stop the blood by bandaging it with friends, food, alcohol,
work, sex, drugs but it always oozes and stain my life. Today I have found the strength
to tell you the other side of the story which you never knew hopping I will finally be able to get over the fact that I did hurt you.
For three years I have not
been able to get you off my mind, I have had other friends, other lovers but I
came to realize I was just looking for you in them. I hope you will find a way
to forgive me and maybe we can be friends again. I look forward to hearing from
you soon.
Love always,
Kyle.
Dear
diary, they say things are sweeter when they are lost but in an odd way some
part of me instinctively reached out and understood this pain. I never thought
that there will come a day when I will share Kyle’s pain or I could entertain
the thought of us being friends again after his betrayal. After reading this I feel like he
deserved a chance to explain himself back then but then why did it take him
three years to write this email? If he was embarrassed then won’t he be embarrassed
now? Anyway there are lots of questions with no answers, am still trying to
decide if I should reply him or not. May be you can help me make that decision after all you are the other person besides me who knows about this........ I will be waiting for your advice..
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