Breaking New Grounds

It’s almost 24 hours since I left the humble abode of what I used to call home. It’s funny if you asked me that I still tagged you along even though everything around me is new. I can’t stand the taste of food, I feel all alone and a stranger especially considering I can’t answer a greeting in the local dialect. Not a day has elapsed and here i am missing the comfort of home, longing for bongo music, missing the escapades of presumably mad men and women on the streets, the rewarding long chats with the apple of my eye, the soothing music of my kind. Am surely all alone with only you to converse with. I find it hard or rather interesting that I would have to put up with this new place for a whole 14 days!

The day started on a rather high note, full of expectations and with a burning desire to prove myself. Certainly, I had not prepared myself for the kind of power that I acquired today. It’s like I have climbed to the top of the food chain. Am expected to offer solutions, to give directions, to forecast, analyze the market, prepare eye catchy and intellectual reports and report to various bosses from various parts of the world. I even have a secretary to help me with this rather arduous task. For a person of my age, with a humble education so to speak, this was supposed to be the icing on the cake, the ultimate achievement, the stuff that success and achievement is made of. But alas! Am unmoved, bored so to speak and aloof to cap it all.

I realize that I have a better calling than having young men and women who do not even know where I am coming from addressing me with so much respect. Deep down they wish they could be where I am; in such a position of influence. However, what bothers me dear diary is whether I will be able to hold my life together. If you are wondering what am referring to by “my life”, am talking about my love life. Apparently, it’s the sole driving force in my life, the realization that you have this one person who has got your back, who gives you the reason to face every single day. In those difficult days during training, juggling between corporate excellence and succeeding in private business, she was the shoulder to cry on, the woman of substance who put a smile on my face, massaged my ego at times (as if I don’t like it*wink*) and made me realize how happy I am.

I left without proper good bye and right now am empty. I don’t know if I can keep up with this solitude, the feeling of emptiness, the desire to be with her, to hear her encouragement, smell her perfume, and hold her in my arms. It’s like she is what is keeping me from being insane. Either way, I know the thought of her makes me look forward to a better tomorrow, to work hard “for the boys” as she likes to put. To sum it all up, am stuck with you dear diary. You will be my mistress, my dependable companion, my shoulder to cry on, a friend and so many things. Back to my new life here, I find myself in unfamiliar grounds. All of a sudden, I have to look over my shoulders. I have to wear suits because apparently I must lead by example.

Am expected to walk the talk and lead by example. If I frown against lateness, clumsiness or penchant for substandard work am expected to be meticulous, to lead the way. Quite frankly, I come from an environment where the dress code is not much of an issue. However, I need to learn first that am no longer that rookie, that greenhorn, that nobody with dingy desk behind the company premises. Am now the face of this small but promising organization. In the midst of all these, am happy to be alive dear diary, to live for something, to be driven by something much more than myself, and to have great memories to keep me company. In the end of it all, having the love, the friendship, the support of *Kimale* is all that matters. I rest my case for the day dear diary. Till tomorrow, it was nice talking to you

The battle within me..

Dear diary,

I am in a battle, a battle between what I feel and what I know. Somehow my heart says something that my brain cannot interpret, or may be my brain says something that my heart cannot process, either way the two are fighting against each other. I don’t know who is right or who I should listen to. My mom told me sometimes back, that I should follow my heart but take my brain with me whenever love is involved. But she never told me what to do if the two are heading to the opposite direction. Neither did she tell me which one is more important than the other. If I remember correctly she did sound like both of them are equally important. So what do I do??

My heart keeps blaming my brain, saying it was its fault that all this pain came upon it. That brain never worked hard enough, that it pretended that all these will not matter, that they will go away in a fraction of a second knowing the heart was breaking into tiny million pieces. And even after all this it still refuse to admit that what it did was a mistake, find a way to make things right. Look for better alternatives to nurse the heart, make it better again. What I feel originate from the heart, it’s the unbearable pain, I feel lost and lonely. I feel like am so hard to be loved that no one could really love me and choose me over anything else, I feel like am carrying the weight of entire world on my shoulders.

My brain on the other end is not happy with all these complains, somehow it blames the heart for pulling it back or rather confusing it every time it makes a progress, that the idea of its being in love with another heart for no reason at all is nonsense. For it everything has to have strong enough reasons before it decides to pursue it. And as if loving another heart with no reason is not enough it never had a backup plan. Brain says ever since he left it has never done anything constructive, anything that will make it proud, anything that could change the world that it keeps wasting time waiting for something that might not come back for no reason at all. What I know is, whoever I am at this time is not what I want to be, I know am strong and I can fight the pain and after all it’s not like I did not have a good time, I had the best time of my life with him by my side. My brain tells me nothing lasts forever and the sooner I accept that the easier the pain will be.

I am in the middle of all this, I do not know what to follow, and just like me, my body is tired. I can feel pain all over it, there is no energy left in it since I have not been able to take anything but water and half a doughnut for the past four days. The fight between my heart and brain is not helping either since it consume a lot of m energy. My eyes swollen from crying and my voice is dry. I keep asking myself, if I close my eyes forever, would it ease the pain?? Could I breathe again?

Much love

me

Wounds that never show

Dear diary,

When will this pain be over? When does my Sunday begin? When does getting over begin? Where does moving on starts?? How long will it take until am back to being me, until I don’t feel so sad and lonely and my heart at peace? It has been eight days and seven nights in this pain, I knew it won’t be easy but I never thought it would be this painful. I have been in this road before but normally healing was a lot easier, moving on was something I could do in three or four days, looking back is something I swore not to do because where I come from falling in love with your ex is like eating your own vomit. Yeah I know it’s disgusting but what I mean to say is, it’s unacceptable, they say if you broke up, then you did it for a reason and it is because whatever reason it was, could not be solved.

Looking at the whole situation, I am still not sure if this was a breakup or not, what I do know is he never said he didn't love me, in fact he said he loved me and he wished things were different, I, just like him never said I didn't love him but in the end he had to leave. There are times when I just think may be if I had tried harder to make him stay, may be if I had given him enough reasons to take me with him may be we would have been together somewhere and happy, but there are times that I think maybe this is the best for him, may be this is the way that would lead him to where he really want be. Am sure you are wondering why I said the best for him and not for us, well it’s because for me, he was the best thing that could ever happened to me.

At one point or another everyone has or will go through something that might change their life, make them better people that they do not want to go back to who they used to be before, for me HE was that experience. I didn't know my life could somehow change and be better, reflected the life I always dreamed of until the day he walked towards me with a smile on his lips and started talking to me, on that day for the first time in many years I started to imagine the future that involved a husband and children. I remember before that day I used to stand in front of a mirror and I could see all the pain, loneliness and despair right through the image that was standing in front of me,  during that time I used to hate mirrors because I didn't like the image displayed. There was no life in it, nothing that would have made it proud of being in this world, of seeing the light of this earth, and nothing that would have made it want to come back as the same creature in the next life. But all that changed the day I met him. Few weeks later I could stand in front of the same mirror and wondering if I knew the woman who was standing in front of me, she was transformed in few weeks. How she became so strong, happy,hopeful and full of life is something I have never been able to answer. Every minute meant so much yet it never used to mean a thing.

Today, with all these pain in me, every minute feels like eternity, wondering what I did so wrong that I had to go through all this. Tears have dried up yet pain is being magnified by the minute. They say time heals the pain but to me I think the theory does not work if you really loved a person with all your heart. The pain I feel today is more than what I felt yesterday and the day before. It started from my heart and spread like a plague to my whole body. I wish there was pain killers for this kind of pain, a pain killer that could not only heal my body but my heart and memories too, make them less painful may be or help me forget. But there is none and now my own house and body feel like prison, I don’t know how to escape it.

Much love

me

Addicted...

Dear diary,

Scientist defines addiction as a state of being enslaved to habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit forming. They say it include drug abuse, exercise addiction, food addiction, sexual addiction and so forth. No one wants to admit they are addicted, I do not know anyone who has ever said openly that they are addicts, in this case I think I will be the first .All my life I never thought I will someday be one of the addicts neither did I decide to be one. And just like any other addict I didn't know when it started or how it started. I didn't even know I was an addict until now.

Now I understand addiction, I understand how hard it is for addicts to recover, I understand how painful the whole process is, I understand how frustrating giving up something that used to make you look forward, looking for tomorrow feel.  I understand how frustrating when someone take something u really need and you can do nothing about it.

For three years I had known him, I hadn't realized he had become part of my routine, and part of me. He was someone I could  wake up to, someone that will get me through the day, someone I needed for me to sleep like a baby, someone to make me smile when I was so angry, someone to make me see a brighter future, someone to challenge me and make me think outside the box. There was a time that I didn't need someone for all these, there was a time when being alone was just fine but I don’t remember that time anymore I do not even understand how I managed to be alone and not go insane and not feel so lost it feels like a million years ago.

Now I know he is in my blood, under my skin may be. I cannot stop thinking about him, every corner of this house remind me of him, I can hear his breathing in my sleep.. I can smell his cologne in my shower..i can see his smile when I sit on the table for dinner.

I do not know if this kind of addiction can be treated or how it can be treated but I know it will not leave me neither will it not kill me. i also know being addicted to people is the worst kind of addiction, if you are addicted to something and its taken away from you can find another source….. But not with peoples addiction you can not find a replacements…not in this life not in the next.

Much love

me

what changed?

Dear diary,

They say everyone is meant to be with someone, that we are all seeking for that one special person, who is right for us, that person who is meant to be our soulmate our better half. But if you have been through enough relationships, look closely at the relationships around you, you begin to wonder if there is such a thing as a right person or just different flavors of wrong. You begin to wonder what anyone hope to accomplish in the end of each relationship. If people in relationship aim to achieve mutual benefit or they are all selfish and each one secretly wants to use the other person for their personal gain.

Everyday millions of relationships are started between two people who believe they love each other and they want to get to know more about each other while million others are broken due to thousand reasons. Everyday millions of people in the world walks towards the alter with their vows to marry that someone they believe is the right person for them while millions others file for divorce believing whoever they had married was not the right person, not what they wanted. It makes u wonder the validity of love and the theory of soulmates. It makes me wonder if my for fathers lived in a broken world like this, in a world where love could be bought, in a world of freedom that, every time you think you no longer love your partner u are free to find a new love or may be every time you get something better you walk away from the old one that is no longer of benefit to you. In a world where giving up on someone you swore to love for the rest of your life is so easy.

If you look closely at most marriages of our fore fathers you can see number of scars that each partner carries earned from years of throwing angry words at each other but giving up or walking away had never been an option. It’s not because they were perfect, it’s not because they were always happy, it’s because they knew no one is perfect, they knew the cure for marriage is never divorce, its repentance and forgiveness from both partners. They knew u can never repair a broken marriage by separation but simple integrity that leads a man and  a woman to meet their obligations in their everyday life.

So what has changed today? Why is divorce so easy? Why has love become so temporary? Why do people who celebrated their wedding in front of so many witnesses will file for a divorce just few days after the wedding? Is it because our freedom is taking control over us? or maybe we marry the wrong person for the wrong reasons or may be the wrong person for the right reasons? People say they get divorce because they no longer love their partner, but if you cannot trust your own feelings because they keep changing why choose to marry then?

All I can say is, marriage will be so much easier is we all marry that one person that we can gaze at them lovingly and say “this is a problem am willing to have”

Much love

Me

This too shal pass

Dear diary,

Years ago I met a pastor who taught me a valuable lesson, he told me not to depend on things that can be seen, and he told me things that could be seen are always temporary, that no one can really depend on them. That the job u rely on today might not be yours tomorrow, that your successful business might be the source of your down fall tomorrow, that that beautiful house u are in today with all the expensive furniture might turn to ashes tomorrow…. That that person who loves you so much today might wake up tomorrow and realize u r not what s/he wanted and walk away from you as u watch, or might be taken away from you. As much as I hate to admit it, he was right, he still is.

Today am here, in my room feeling so empty and alone, wondering why even with all these things that I worked so hard for mean nothing after he left.. was it because I depend too much on him? Was it because I entertained a thought that may be this was not temporary? Was I so wrong to hope that he will be here forever? Is it because I started deliberately to sacrifice my needs and wants so that he can meet his? It is because his happiness was more important to me than plans for my own life? Because his life was more important to me that I forgot I had my own life to live? i really can’t tell all I know is all this things means nothing at this moment.

I wonder if he is going for would last forever, if all these sacrifices he is making will be worth it, if it will give him the happiness he deserves and if it does how long it will last. One thing I have learned in all these is that It is never hard to decide what your life is all about, or which direction you want it to take, its figuring out  how far you are willing to go, what you are willing to sacrifice in order to make your life be what u want it to be that is hard. I hope he did know this and his sacrifices will be worth it.

This too shall pass, it’s all I keep telling myself every time that pain invade my heart, its all I keep saying every time I get to my cold bed, it’s what I say every time I wake up and realize am alone, it’s all I say when I sit alone in that dinner table taking my dinner alone realizing I have no one one who would comment on my bad cooking skills. When I open that door after long day of working and realize there is no one to ask how my day was. And every time I write this diary.

Much love

Me

The beginning of the end..

Dear diary

Have u ever wondered if pain will ever end in the world?? Have you ever wondered if you will ever get used to it even if u were subjected to it over and over again… have u have wondered if u could put an end to all the pain how simple life could be?? How easy every decision would be easy to make??

He left yesterday, I told him not to wake me up because I didn't want to see him leaving. The thought of him leaving was unbearable, so I went to bed early hoping I could fall asleep, but I couldn't  I decided to take Valium to help me sleep, but I could still hear him when he came to bed.. so I thought to add more Valium so that I won’t hear him when he wake up and leave me alone in that cold bed.. I know it’s wrong and dangerous but what could I do? How could I watch him walk out of the door knowing he might never be back? I would rather not wake up, may be it would be less painful.

It’s unbelievable how little I know about love and how it works, how my heart never learn, while its all I have known ever since I was born. I have been in so many relationships and in all these all I have ever known is leaving and being left. So why is this so hard while I know this is the world of democracy? It’s the world where people are free to make choices of their own? When I know in this century no one is really bound to another, that no matter what form of bonding people choose it can somehow be broken, bent or just ignored in the name of freedom of choice? In this century people can walk in and out of anywhere as they please…as sad as it sounds..whatever form of contract does not bear a meaning anymore.

I don’t know how my life will be, if I have to start all over again or wait for him… or if I have to go back to who I used to be before he walks in, if going to movies and clubs will seem so fun when am all alone, if walking into this lonely house everyday won’t make me go crazy… if sleeping alone on that bed will not bring all the beautiful memories that never lasted. All I know is am alone again.