Confusion galore

I could have chosen a much more different path; a path trodden by a few with great significance. From my childhood days, it never occurred to me that I could possess anything special, something that could be of value to people, and something that could accord me that special treatment. In my subconscious mind back then, I was aloof; sometimes disillusioned and damn you me shy to the hilt! My own solitary world was my idea of a perfect life. I loved being a spectator, watching from afar but amassing as much knowledge as I could. I admired people least admired by many, loathed individuals who were demigods to many and played indifferent to many a situation.

I can’t quite fathom why this outlook on life and people in general satisfied my curiosity. I derived pleasure from being the odd one out. I loved the thrill of watching girls trying to impress their equally confused boyfriends. I was quite the peculiar kid, graduating into a confused teenager and into a level headed adult. It was never about me, I never dressed to impress, I never went to the movies, I loathed idle chatter, and social interactions were not my domain. I loved listening to music (any kind of music), loved reading a lot, was poor in athletics, tried my hand in football and eventually gave up on outdoor activities to concentrate on my books.

Dear diary, I know you must be quite confused by now. Wondering where am heading with this. Whether I am in my right frame of mind or under the influence of tequila. On the contrary, am in my right frame of mind only that I haven’t stopped thinking aloud as has become characteristics of me for many years. When I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t help but notice that fantasy boy has undergone quite a metamorphosis over the years. Am not the boy I was a few years ago. My priorities have changed immensely. The only consistent thing in my life right now is that I have supported one football team for 15 years.

I have been in love before, been hurt, been sad, sometimes mad but I don’t really bare any scars associated with love. Quite frankly, I think they lie when they say there are scars. I also think they lie when they say that there is such a thing as being heartbroken. To me it’s an illusion that has been successfully perpetuated over the generations. People no longer differentiate the difference between love, infatuation and lust. In my opinion, cosmetics have taken supreme over the matters of the heart. In the final analysis, let it not be said that fantasy boy never loved. I did, and I loved every single aspect of it. But if you asked me, that’s as far or better as it gets.

I hate being at crossroads, I hate people who take advantage of others, I hate being cornered, and yeah I hate being broke! I have been at loggerheads with my conscience for some time now. Trying to understand the scope and outlook of my life vis-à-vis the people I care about in my life. On the outside, I seem to be quite the guy; a great job, great family and a few handful friends I can rely on at any time. I occasionally go on a drinking spree, occasionally have that chit chat with erstwhile acquaintances, and draw inspiration from men and women I admire but fail miserably when it comes to making a picture perfect scenario of my life.

It’s like am trying so hard to be that guy of the 1990s, always looking at that closed door and failing to take notice of the one open before me. I want to do so many things at the same time. My one single weakness is that I trust people easily, am easy to convince, easy to hurt, easy to swindle and all that. But am also quite the hateful guy especially when you give me a reason to. I value the virtues of honesty, friendship, loyalty and love. I hate hypocrites; I don’t have a particular preference of my ideal woman. Surprisingly, am more concerned on the intellectual aspect rather than the superficial.

In as much as everything has a sale by date, am of the belief that intelligence is forever and unique in some way. You cannot transfer it but can use it positively to change the lives of many people. Now I don’t know why am quite confused today dear diary. Am neither here nor there. I lack the coherence am known for. It’s like I have no sense of purpose, lacks direction and aloof maybe. It happens every once in a while. It’s something that many can identify with only that they never know when it’s happening. This conversation is testimony of how confused a person can be. Well I don’t have any apologies to that effect! A little here and there is sometimes what a person needs to make their point. As of now, it would be better if I took a rest, clear my head maybe and hopefully engage you in a more coherent way tomorrow. Until then, I rest my case!