Reflections....

Dear diary,

Am here again, finally I have gathered some strength to continue with what I started the other day. Have you ever wondered how easy it is for things to change? Sometimes I wonder how easy it is to start off down the road you are used to and you end up somewhere different, somewhere you didn't expect to be. At times you may wonder how you end up in an awkward situation even though you did everything like the way you used to, but the truth is even though you are used to walking down the same road every day just one wrong step today, just one pause, one minute delay you end up with a completely new life, you might end up with good friends, good reputation a soul mate or a love gone wrong.

Yeah I know you are wondering what I am talking about.. well the truth is  since the last time I talked to you , I have been trying to replay the night he announced he had to leave, I play different scenarios in my head, different turning of events..different possibilities… wondering how things would have turned out that night if I didn't tell the son of the retired general that it was okay for him to choose his dreams over us, if for some reasons I would have asked him to stay maybe he would still be here, maybe we would have been happier together than how we are now. I have always been a believer of setting things free, some of them did come back but most of them didn't, now that I replay all the scenarios I think I should have fought for what we had, I relied too much on fate not knowing it can be cruel sometimes.

They say hope keeps us alive, even when you are dead.  I think I have been dying every day since his departure but I still hope we can survive this. It’s a tough challenge; I have to fight to get through every day. A lot of people don't understand me, the wonder why don't I let go and be happy with someone else. They wonder why I choose to have such a weird kind of relationship with someone who is probably enjoying his life with someone else somewhere. But the truth is if you have never experienced this kind of love you will never understand. It is something that is not easy to explain it is not black and white. It is not the matter of loving or hating is something like hating how you love someone.

It is weird how I sometimes fall even deeper in his absence, how I smile to myself when I remember all those crazy moments we had, how my hearts jumps with joy when I listen to all the voice mails he sent me back then, when I go though our old chats and emails we exchanged. I remember there are these nights where we would sit lie on the grass watching the stars, neither of us would say anything…it’s like there was this unique of communication between us, a connection so real some kind of an understanding that goes deeper than words could ever explain it.

Dear diary, I know you are wondering what all this feels like now that he is far away, what I can tell you is it is not easy, it's sometimes painful, well a lot of times it hurts to know that you might never be able to love the one person who makes you a better person in a physical way. To know all you are left with is the memories of what could have happened, what could have been if the circumstances were changed. Perhaps we could have been so much happier and better. But its like fate had different plans for us, like there is something immutable, an immovable destiny we cannot alter no matter how hard we try to bend it to our favor it doesn't seem to work.

There are times when I get this feeling, am not sure if its loneliness or emptiness. It’s the kind of the helplessness feeling  you get when everything you are used to has been ripped away from you. Like there is no reason to live anymore, like there is no reason to wake up and no reason to have fun. By the way if you think this is the way it all how it ends you are very wrong, I have a plan to bring him back…. I will tell you about it once it materializes.