The other side...

Dear diary

I know you have been waiting desperately for me to finish my story and here I am to finish it, to tell you about the other side of the story. There is something I want you to know; falling in love is very real. I used to shake my head when people say they were madly in love, or when they dream of finding their soul mates, I never believed in the idea of soul mates. I would look at my friends who claim to be in love and I would wonder how delusional they are.  I never understood what in the world made people believe in some supernatural idea that was obviously not intended for human beings but did sound so pretty in the poetry books and very attractive in those romantic movies. Then I met the son of the retired general and I was converted, I become delusional too.

Winds of destiny blow when we least expect them to. Sometimes they gust with fury of a hurricane and sometimes they barely fan ones cheek and for sure they do lead us to the future that is impossible to ignore. To me destiny led me to the son of the retired general; there was no way I could ignore his presence in my life even though he was the forbidden fruit (well we both were). I had told him I was married (it was my way of keeping men away, preventing my heart from being broken over and over again) and he told me he was married too. Knowing that he was married made him one of those fruits that were unfit for human consumption yet I could not stop myself from salivating every time I saw him. I wanted him so badly; I would miss him all the time. But I thought of his wife and i made a decision to keep my feelings to myself, I was not going to tell him. I will not ruin his marriage just so that I can satisfy my desires. My fate was sealed and I was going to die with my pain silently.

I was successful in keeping my feeling to myself until I could not do it anymore. I knew we had a deep connection between us. The connection that goes beyond physical attraction, I began to shiver at the feeling. I was scared of how strong it was and the thought of him being married didn’t help. I tried to convince myself that it will pass, convince myself that is was okay for us to be just friends  but it was a lie. I wanted more than just friendship, my world had turned upside down and I was in love with someone who spends night hugging another woman, someone who might never love me. Even though  I knew I was about to break one of the major rules I had set to myself I made up my mind, for the first time in the history of my life I was going to tell a man that I loved him.. That I was in love with him.. That I was not married and I wish we could grow old together. Before you start rolling eyes I was not going to break his marriage that was not the plan, I was not going to ask him to cheat on his wife; I just wanted him to know; somehow I thought it will make me feel better.

We met in our usual place that day and before he said anything that would make me change my mind I told him everything and how I felt. He just told me..”that is a big thing to say”. And I knew those words would haunt me forever. I changed the topic like it did not matter but my subconscious would not stop nagging me with “I told you so”. This was supposed to lift the weight off my shoulders right? But then it didn't, it added more weight; with time I began to be jealous. I became of jealous his wife, of his friends, I became jealous of people who lived in the same house with him. I remember there are days that I used be so angry at myself wondering why on earth did I fall for someone who was unavailable. And my subconscious would always be there with its bitchy attitude and her big eyes saying something like, “ I would  have welcomed to the wonderful world of jealousy, where splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder and inferiority complex become your everyday companion but then you already know this world” seriously it’s like it had been taking those bitchy pills.

This went on for so long, until I seriously consider disappearing to the unknown land. Just when I was considering doing so then he told me, he did love me. He said he was not married, he had never been married and just like me that was his way of keeping women away..what kind of a single man keeps women away? I asked “the kind of man who is married to his work and a bottle of tequila” he replied with a smile on his face. I did not care how long he took before he admitted that he had been harboring these feelings, I was just happy he did. Since then we were inseparable. He became part of me...

Dear diary, I have come to know that destiny can hurt people as much as it can bless them, as I was enjoying my blessings I closed my eyes to the feeling and when I opened them he had to leave. I still remember clearly the night he announced he had to leave, I knew right there and then this was going to be the worst night in the history of my love life, it will be the night that would prove to me that nothing lasts forever, it was going to be the night that would remind me that love is not powerful enough to change destiny, it would be the night that would remind me that love does end.

Ever since we made a decision to be together we had gone through disappointing, confusing, loving, shocking, encouraging and so many romantic moments. But I didn’t know if we could survive long distance relationship with limited communication for unknown time. I knew our bound could not withstand this challenge. I told him I was happy for him and I wanted him to chase his dreams, but I was not happy for us... I guess I just wanted to believe in the theory of letting go. The theory that says “ if you love something you have to set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn't then it was never meant to be yours.” Looking back I wish I would have asked him to stay, I should have begged him to stay may be. But I didn't until it was too painful, until I realised the scars were never going to heal and he might not be back only then did I get the courage to ask him to choose us.

I would have loved to continue with whatever this is, but tears have threatened to return. Suddenly I feel dizzy like am having a panic attack, I hope you won't mind if I stop here and take few deep breaths to calm myself down. See you next time.