Do you ever wonder if all lies
eventually lead to the truth? Well it hadn't crossed my mind until yesterday
when Anna (my friend) knocked my door asking me a weird question which went
like “what I would do if a guy told you he was head over hills in love with you
and would do anything to be with you??” She asked.. “well that sound like my
old love story only that he did not do everything to be with me, they
never do anyway unless is in TV or a novel, just tell me whats up already” I yelled because I was getting tired of her old games, ever since my one and only left
she has been trying to fix my love life. I know she means well but am just not
ready. “Okay... your ex wants you back...” stop right there I interrupted,
there is a reason he is called an ex, and for that same reason he can neither
be the present nor the future. “Seriously, saying No to Jeremy (not his real
name) is like turning Brad Pitt down for a date.. I mean who does that? ”she
continued... stop it Anna he is an ex and that is what he is, nothing more
nothing less
Later at night I went to bed
early, she had just opened up my wounds and she didn't even know it. Where I come from, for a girl of my age to be
single and alone is a shame. I guess I wanted to dodge my depressions, lie to myself
that I wasn't so lonely and depressed, hide myself in my sleep woke up a little older and maybe more used. I could
hear my inner voice screaming to the top of its voice telling me “you have to
keep moving”. Moving to where?? I switched off the light closing my eyes; I didn't want to let my brain catch up with my thoughts. But then the flashbacks of my
previous relationships started flowing in my mind. I began to think about my
previous relationships and how they all ended just like that.
How it is so easy to disown what
you don’t recognize anymore, to keep away from everything that is foreign and
unsettling is something that happens almost automatically. We are incomplete
and are always searching for that one special person to complete us. Every relationship
we begin feel so complete, different and unique in some way and then after few
months or years we begin to realize we are still incomplete somehow. Wondering where
the wonderful feeling we had before had disappeared to, and if we will ever
find it again. At time we might find ourselves blaming our partners, may be
break up the relationship and start another one with someone more promising and
the cycle goes on and on. I have been in this cycle for as long as I can
remember, sometime I think I might never find my right wrong person.
Dear diary, my relationship with
Jeremy had lasted for so long that I even forgot what it felt like to be single
and alone. Yeah it did last that long, but not because he was a good guy, it’s
just because I loved him too much that I became blind of the obvious things. I remember
one Valentine’s Day when he came home so late and drunk and he gave me flowers
with no card, I remember when he started spending so many hours on the phone,
when he started to ignore my presence. I knew something wasn't right but I
dismissed the thought immediately every time it came to me. May be is because I
was afraid to be alone or may be it because it is so difficult to leave a long
term relationship and start all over again even when your inner wisdom tell us it’s time to let go. I could
have left long ago, but instead I choose to suffer a low grade pain that slowly
eat my heart and soul like an emotional cancer. I don’t know why it took me so
long to come to my senses.
The cancer ate me up until one
day I realized I was buried up in a dysfunction relationship, I tried to
convince myself otherwise, but then I looked at him and all the doubtful
moments flushed right in front of me. On that day I knew I was not in love
with him anymore, I had not been in love with him for a long time, I was in
love with not being on my own, may be I was in love with the feeling of having
someone there at the end of the day but not him. So I told him I wanted out, he was surprised,
he didn't expect it, he asked me what was wrong and why I had thought that breaking
up was the solution. I told him it wasn't a thought... it was a feeling, a
survival instinct may be.. Just like when you feel you can’t breathe and you
know you need to get some air. I asked him if he was happy with us and he said
he wasn't I asked if he missed me when he was away he said he didn't And I
knew I should have ended it sooner. I knew I had been lying to myself for so
long....I have been living a lie and it never became my life.
Jeremy was a good guy (i hope he still is), he has everything that any girl would want her man to have, but just somehow the distance between us kept growing we could be in one bed but miles apart. no one killed what we had, it just bled to death just like that and that is why there was never going to be us again. It has been said that with every
love you have, and every break up you go through a little piece of our hearts
is left behind after the cleaving. Looking back at how many times I have been broken
I even doubt if I have a heart anymore, all the pieces of me are somewhere with
people.... but that is a good thing because some day I will revenge for all the pain, and I wont feel a thing since I don't have a heart. keep this to your self though I wouldn't want you to ruin my revenge party. see you next time......!!
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