It
has been the same story over and over. The same script I have replayed in my
mind for the past few days. Part of me wants to varnish from the face of earth
like a coward. Part of me wants to take the easy way out. It seems quite
alluring especially under the prevailing circumstances. Its appeal puts a wry
smile on my face; it makes me warm up to the idea that I can always go down this
road without having to break a sweat. As alluring as the feeling is, as strong
as the desire is, I can’t quite pull through with it. I am constantly wondering
if I am the destructive element of my very own existence. I keep wondering
whether every little thing that happens in my life is by design or by default.
At
this point in my life, I have become a loner of sorts; a man who loneliness has
become so pervasive in his life that he has lost all sense of interaction. Like
a coward I have taken shelter in my own sorrow. In the midst of all these
confusion, words of Yonas“I wonder if you have touched the center of your own
sorrow”keep buzzing in my head. For some reason, I can’t tell if I have touched
the center of my own sorrow or if I have been avoiding it all along. Days when
I was a happy lad are now a distant dream. Days when I woke up for something
are no more than a constant reminder of my supposed failures, supposed
inability to make the right choices for me and for the people I hold dear.
60
days ago, optimism characterized every sphere of my life. I went through dark
valleys with my head held up, my eyes focused on the ultimate goal, I pretended
or ignored the fact that my prevailing circumstances at the time were
inconsequential. All this I did with the help and immense support of a “woman
with a heart of a God”. A woman whose love and belief for what we shared
surpassed every reasonable logic; a woman whose commitment and faith is the
stuff legend is made of. I can’t quite tell where I drifted or when morbid fear
took over the whole of me.
The
feeling of having failed once more took a toll on me in ways I could never
fathom. Every single day I spent hoping to muster enough courage was apparently
every single minute she lost faith in the very thing that kept us alive, the
very thing that defined us, the very thing that lit our candle of dreams and
sustained our resolve to make our mark in a future we so yearned for. Before
long, optimism was replaced with pessimism, hope replaced with a state of hopelessness,
confidence suffered a beating and within no time fear wedged a divide between
two supposed soul mates that had whethered many a storm. Of course, even in the
midst of all these, it was never catastrophic. There was always this small
shred of hope that we could always pull it through. This belief that even if
“we were growing apart, we couldnt discount the fact that we grew side by side
and our roots will always be entangled”. It is such belief, such optmism, such
confidence that touched the center of my own soul.
Is
the dream deferred? Is the damage too deep? Am I too late? Should I give way
for a better person? A better experience? A better keeper of promises? 2
decades ago, I would say that the world is an evil place and get away with it.
But now am wiser and I know that people are the ones who are evil. I know as
Yonas once told me that inability to make a decision is also a decision in
itself. I am cognizant of the fact that love ain't a facade. That there are
indeed people who love you irrespective of social background, nationality, state
of health or any other parameter people use to measure love. That aside, I can’t
help but notice that its another festive season spent in solitude.
I
sit on the sidelines and notice that its that time of the year folks surround
themselves with people they love, people who appreciate them. Yet, here I am
living a lie, lost in my own sorrow, reeling from my own fear. Quite frankly, I
wouldn’t mind losing the love but what I cant get over with is losing the respect
of the very person who has stood side by side with me in the ring of life. She
has taken a few jabs on my behalf, helped me up when the jabs were too strong
and I was on the floor. She has given me hope in every possible imaginable way.
But now am lost and hoping to find my own bearing. Time to burden others is
over.
I
don’t know if its pride, utter foolishness or something else that goes beyond
the superficial. Under the circumstances, I can’t help but think of Icarus. He
of the fame that was warned never to let his wings made of wax get too close to
the sun. But, as you will all agree, pride can make the noblest of men do
foolish things. As he neared the sun, the wax melted and from the skies he fell
to the ocean never to be heard of again. I don’t know if my current predicament
is as a result of utter stupidity, bad luck or pride. Am just happy in the
knowledge that I flew high and tasted what true happiness is, experienced what
true love is and found out the meaning of the ultimate sacrifice. That, without
a doubt, is something I will forever be grateful for.
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