In Retrospect..................

A popular saying has it that if you want to know a man’s character, give him power! While there are many interpretations as to what the saying truly means, the gist of the matter is that there is some element of truth in it. Many are the times when we seek for wealth, a good life, own big mansions, drive fancy cars, drink the most expensive of wines and to many a man, have lots of women at our disposal. Quite frankly, I find the aforementioned quite okay by every means. 

Deep down, I have my own twisted fantasies, skewed to suit my own outlook of the surreal world so to speak. I find it quite rewarding to live the dream, to love, to be loved, to be desired, to belong, to put a smile on someone’s face, to conquer, to achieve, to become a pioneer of something breath taking, to change a life, to be a blessing, to be the kind of lover some woman somewhere with a big heart would want me to, to be forgiving, to be meek, to be wise, to lead by example, to be a benchmark of sorts to people of my age and those looking up to me, to leave a mark…………..and so on and so forth! 

Of late, I have been mulling over the above and honestly asking myself hard questions. Sometimes I look at the man in the mirror and wonder if all the sacrifices I make, all the hard work I do is the reflection of what I wanted to be a few years back. I have more than once been labeled as un-ambitious, a loner, self seeker, intelligent, smooth operator, strange, proud and all manner of adjectives a person out to paint a grim or amazing picture would. I say grim because some of the accusations or rather opinions are blatantly misplaced. I also say amazing because I find some of them quite flattering.  Dear diary, I have never been the kind of person to attach a lot of importance on the personal opinions of others. 

In truth, am quite unfazed by them. I take pleasure in doing something that is rewarding to me. Don’t get me wrong, am twisted in my own way, I make mistakes, make bad judgments, am not empathetic when am expected to and I suck on many a things. That put aside dear diary, I have been dying to pent up my deep rooted emotions. I find myself at crossroads, not knowing what to do or not to. On the outside, things seem to be fine; I look happy, am that guy people would want to be. I enjoy the trappings that come with being what I am and doing quite fine by all means. However, deep down, am a walking disaster of a man under siege. 

My love life is very much okay by all means. I feel honored to share great moments with a woman of great character, a big heart, a philanthropist, a sweetheart, an angel and without a doubt a woman after my own heart. I can’t remember a time I was so happy, so contented with life, so full of promise and so looking forward to the next day. It has come a point in my life where am shaken by the very thought that I might be gone away from her for a considerable amount of time. Some say love is nonexistent, that it’s a fabrication of the mind, a temporary form of madness, an addiction of sorts ……and so on and so forth. Am not surreal, I understand the magnitude, the feeling, the experience and the joy of love. By every means, it’s something I want to be associated with for the rest of my life. 

I want to feel belonged, to feel loved, to have a reason to smile, to be happy in every way. But how do I achieve this when far from the object of my desire? How do I reconcile my career and development with my deep love for the woman I so care about? How do I live knowing that am doomed for the rest of my life if I don’t have her? Dear diary..... Am a man under siege, shaken to the core by the very realization that time is not on my side and regretting the fact that we had all the time but never took initiative. Am a battered man, deeply in love but also seriously worried. In the eyes of many, I do not seem to care. The truth of the matter is that no one can ever understand! Am I a slave of my own happiness? Achievements? I keep wondering what can be so unfortunate! I rest my case!

Empty promises

Dear diary

Is this what sadness is all about? Is this what it feels like to see the promise you have been waiting for so long being broken before your eyes and you can do nothing about it? Is this what take possession over our bodies and souls when beautiful hopes shatter in hindsight because the expected happiness fed not just on actual circumstances but on a promise that was not kept? It is so surprising how a small promise can give someone life and destroy the same life it created when broken.

People make promises every day, the world if full of it. Promising is a human way of uniquely ordering the future, making it predictable and reliable to the extent that this it is humanly possible. Somehow a lot of people make promises without considering the outside environment that can interfere with their plans.A lot of people make promises that they cannot fulfill in the end,while others will use every possible way to fulfill every word they said. There are those who believe in the power of promises, that once you make a promise somehow the universe will side with you to help you keep it. But after today I don’t think if I can ever believe in promises anymore, after all the world is full of promises that were not kept.

Some people will make promises to others because of their hopes, dreams or wishes and work very hard to keep these promises because of their fear to disappoint the other person, fear of not being trusted again by the people they promised. These people are unique; they never promise what they cannot deliver. But there are those who promise a lot of things and fulfill nothing; these people should know that, anyone who promises too much is in danger of breaking these promises. And then there are those who would promise anything that seems to guarantee the better days ahead or anything that will help them get what they wanted on that moment. These too, in most cases don’t keep their promises and end up power less and frustrated.

There are periods of despondency and suffering that possess me every now and then. I fight them trying to be strong but then there are those times when one of the things that gave me the strength to fight turn out to be a lie and I loose it. For the first time in a long time I feel like I don’t belong in this world, the feeling I had when I was a young child, and when I was a teenager and experiencing them now as a young woman. Every plan that I make does not work, every promise made somehow end up broken. I don’t know if it is me or it is the people who make those promises but somehow this feeling make me wonder why? On days like these I see life as pandemonium and humanity as worms struggling blindly toward inevitable annihilation.

Dear diary, I know words can be twisted into any shape. People twist these words everyday making promises to hull the heart and seduce the soul of the other. But somehow it is difficult for me to get my heart to accept that the broken promise was not actually a promise but twisted words. It not easy for my heart to come to terms with the fact that sometimes promises are labels that people give things in an effort to wrap their brains around the underlying nature when a big percentage of the time the totality is an entirely different thing.

Somehow I have never been able to figure out how to respond to broken promises, but there is one thing I know; I will not let this broken promise break me all over again. I will not let it take the courage I have worked so hard to build.

See you when you see me.

The dark side

Dear diary,

There is darkness inside each and every one of us. There is a dark side of everyone, the side that we rarely let people see.  Some of us use it as a shield to hide behind, as something that will prevent us for further painful experiences of our daily encounters while others use it as an excuse to do things that will leave the rest of us puzzled. Our dark side is part of our souls that is damaged by trials and at-tribulations of our daily lives. But what is darkness anyway? For those who are expert in science may define it as a situation where there is absence light but for those of us who are familiar with it in our daily life will define it as a period where the past no longer illuminate the future while others will assure you that darkness is subjective; it depends on ones view point and there is no such thing as darkness but failure to see.

Scientist say that light travel faster than anything else in this world, what they seem to miss is every time the light arrive at it destination it finds darkness waiting for it to arrive. The same thing with our lives today, before you get to know the goodness of something you must dwell in trouble having to live without it. Sometimes we find ourselves in a very dark corner and we don’t know how we ended up in that place of how to find light. In this darkness we may find others who are also struggling with their own darkness and sometimes we lose people who are important to us when struggling to find our way towards the light. It is never  easy to fight darkness since it does not leave us as soon as we believe it will, maybe it is because as we dwell longer in our darkness we get used to it and we forget the importance on of light.

If you have been in the darkness and you have dwelled in your darkness long enough then you know how difficult it was for you to take a first step towards the light. Perhaps it is because we both know there are two possibilities when you decide to take a step, either you step on something solid and in to the light of a fall it the deeper darkness that will force you to believe that it wasn't the light that you were looking for but the certainty that there is only darkness in this world.  Either way there are times when we must decide to take the risky to find light and all its beauty, some will say the decision to find the light is not due to the goodness and the beauty of light itself but because we are terrified with what might be in the darkness.

Dear diary, when we list expect it life set us a challenge to test us, it doesn't care the kind of test it set before us because every creature who has life must at some point prove that they are worthy of the life that they posses. This test might take you from the light into your darkness of the vice vesa. In those moments there is no need to pretend that nothing has happened but to own the situation and find our way out.

In my struggle to find my own light I have come to realization that most of us get used to live in darkness until something flips the switch. It is easier to pretend that the darkness in us does not affect than to find the courage to fight it. You can always say or pretend you are not hurt but the stones you stumbled in when trying find your way through the dark. But someday when you are alone lying in your bed and you begin to re-examine your life, you will begin to silently grieve for you own cowardice. This will continue until you decide to take a step towards the light risking everything over and over again until you find it.

Darkness even though considered bad it has important role to play in all our lives. Without it would have been impossible to appreciate the light and everything it has to offer. for today let me end here...see you soon.

Thank you note...

Dear diary,

Am sure you have heard a lot concerning the word disability and the many definitions that people attach to it. The word disability define is self. It suggests the inability to do something. A lot of people use it when referring to physical disabilities such as the inability to hear or walk or see or do other things. But have you ever wondered if there is a term that refers to those who cannot feel or talk about their feelings? What about those people who find it hard to form close relationship with people who surround them every day? What about those who cannot bring themselves to trust any living creature? Or what about those who cannot manage their feelings in a constructive way? Those who cannot find fulfillment in their lives or those who have been broken so many times that makes it hard for them to believe in love again, those who live in disappointments, anger and bitterness?

Every day that passes by someone is struggling with something somewhere, but most of us don’t seem to care. May be it’s because their pain does not affect us or cannot be seen by our naked eyes. But these struggles can cripple some of us especially if we will not at one point decide to own our pain and confront our own night mares.

Confronting ones feeling and giving them appropriate expression is not something easy. It not something that anyone can do. Lots of people consider emotions as weakness, something that should not be seen or known to others. They hide it hoping time will heal the pain not knowing having someone to talk to or somewhere where you can express your self could make everything so much easier. Confronting feelings needs a lot of strength since it takes so much courage to acknowledge our losses, anger and feelings of resentments. In many occasions more strength is needed to curb the aggressive urges that came hand to hand with these ill feelings and channel them into non destructive outlets. It takes courage to face our sadness, to grieve and to let our anger flow in tears when they need to. In such times we all need people who will be holding us close telling us it going to be okay. Otherwise these feelings cripple us and make us unable to be the people we were meant to be.

 Sometimes when you are standing in the forest of sorrow, anger and disappear you forget the person you are and you lose you way all together. You cannot imagine how you could possibly find your way to where you were going or even know where you were going. You begin to wonder if it is possible to find light in the midst of the darkness that surround you. But if you happen to meet someone whom can share your sorrows with and may be work together to find your way back, it brings you hope. It makes you realize that even if life is full of darkness there might be so light in it, even if storms come to pass if you hold on long enough you will see the sun shine again.

Most of us believe in the better future, some will call this hope. We admire the strength of those who have been in their darkest hour and found their way to happiness once more. They give us hope that we too can one day say “I did it”. We respect their strength and their perseverance, desire it to ourselves and wish it for our children. Hope is good; it gives you the courage to move forward, keeping you moving on even when things are difficult. But sometimes when you have too much hope to something that the circumstances will never let you win, hope becomes a dangerous and painful thing.

Dear diary, you have been there for me all the way, giving me strength to face my pain, you have given me hope and the strength to accept the feeling of not knowing where I am or where I am going. And for that, am thankful.see you soon 

The turning point

Dear diary,

I wanted a perfect ending but now I know some things are not meant to be, some hearts are meant to be broken, some broken hearts never mend and some tears never dry. I know there is no perfect ending for me at least not at this moment. I gave my best to it but it never worked, it wasn't my fault neither was his. I know my heart even though in pieces he still belongs to him. I cannot bring myself to hate him even if I wanted to. He would do anything he wanted to me and I would let him; well he still can. Sometime I think he has cast a spell on me because even if with all this pain I know if he would walk in to his room and ask me to do something I would break myself trying to make him happy, make him proud. My heart tells me this is the best thing anyone could do to those they love, but my mind knows the difference between wanting what you can’t have and wanting what you shouldn't want. And I know he is bad news for me...I shouldn't want him.

I promised I will let go of the blame, I will no longer blame myself for the things that could have happened but they didn't  They say life is indeed a gamble, the ultimate game of chance, based purely upon having the ability to make right choices at the right time. Making wrong choices at a right time or right choices at a wrong time makes the whole thing wrong even though it is part of the game. Even the best gamblers know that no matter what sometimes you are going to mess up. It is the universal truth but the good part is you can decide if you quit the game or keep trying until you get it right. At this point am not sure what I want, if I am going to quit or keep trying but once I have found my strength in the middle of this weakness I will surely stand for something.

Dear diary, men are creatures from another planet, they will come and go, they will try to understand you until they cannot understand you anymore, they will teach you things  that you will never learn in any other way even though they are not trying to be your teacher, they are can be your friends or act like it anyway. Sometimes they will love you, be your lover. I want you to always remember that even these so called lovers will come and go. They will break your heart at times but I hope you find your strength in the end. Nobody can protect you from heart breaks; I guess it is part of being human.

Some will promise to love you forever. Be very careful, forever can mean so many different things. It is always changing depending on so many other aspects such as generations, technology, races and gender. For some forever can mean hundred years but for others it can mean just few minutes or days. I don’t mean to scare you but I want you to know forever is not guaranteed, actually nothing is. So when you get that one person you really love, live your life as if forever was ending tomorrow. Challenge who you can be don’t late fate rule your life.

As for me, am just trying to find myself, whatever that means. And from now on am going to be very careful with the choices I make the people I surround myself with because they all affect my life somehow and who I am for the rest of my life. See you soon.... love you.

Weakness, another form of strength

Dear diary,

Fear is weakness, it can make you lose the courage you thought you had, it can make you lose your words or strong arguments that you worked so hard to present and it can make you fail to perform your normal duties. This weakness makes people jumpy and organisations nerves because it means there is always a chance to take advantage. But what is weakness?? Weakness is strength or do I mean weakness, another form of strength?? Once you know what your weakness is then you know where your strength lies, you know what to do to excel and the dangers that can lead to your down fall.

We cultivate our weakness when we allow the most vulnerable and powerful part of ourselves to be deeply seen and known to our enemies. Sometimes we let these parts of us be seen by people we trust most or even love and share unexplainable connections not realizing they will be the source of our downfall some day. We share these parts with them hoping to gain acceptance for whom we are but somehow by doing this we give them access to the most powerful weapon that they can easily use to hurt and destroyed the only hope we spent so many days and night building. And then there are those remnants of the destroyed love, the fear of love that begins to rule your life thereafter. The night mares that suggest possibility of history to repeat itself, the increase chances of your heart to be broken over and over again that prevent you from loving any one, not even yourself, it becomes your weakness.

Dear diary, I fear to reveal this weakness to any living creature,  my weakness to not being able to bury the past, my weakness to not giving hope when I should, the confusion and madness in it. May be its because I don’t need anyone to feel sorry for me, I need to be strong, feel strong or may be its my other weakness that I cannot revel my pain to anyone until it’s no longer painful; when it does not hurt anymore and it is not the reason for my insomnia. The funny thing is I know my weakness but I don’t know where my strength lies, I stand in front of the mirror trying to find where my strength lies, I stare at the reflection of the girl I no longer recognize  I watch as she stares back at me sobbing pathetically. Then i remember my grandmother's wise words, she warned me long ago about a similar situation saying "there will come a time in your life when you lose something that matters to you.  You fight for it and you won’t win, but what matters is that you don’t lose the person you are in the midst of the battle". And I know did lose that person before the battle even began and the weakness I see through the image that stand in front of me and in her tears make me furious.

Robert Louis Stevenson once said, “you can no run away from weakness, you must at some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so why not now and where you stand?”  I believe it is about time I start fighting, I am going to fight this weakness and the fight starts today. I don’t know how I will start though. I have never done this before and I don’t know anyone who has but I think it will be easier if I hold on to the hate, the love and even the bitterness while I let go of the blame, one step at a time. Why holding on to the hate and the bitterness?? Am glad you asked, because it is what remind me of how life is, that life is painful and difficult. I want it to awake me someday when am caught up in my fantasies that I forget that love hurts.

I know you are thinking that I am making the wrong choice by holding on to hate and bitterness but sometimes you find yourself in a situation that you have to choose between a bunch of wrong choices and no right ones. And at that moment you realize you have to choose a choice that feel less wrong not the right one. I hope you will join me in this battle my dear, because I need to find me, I need to find my strength in the midst of my weakness.

The long wait

Dear diary,

Once you have found out everything that could go wrong in your life, your life becomes less of living and more about waiting. You wait for everything that you wish to happen to you, you wait for a better job opportunity, you wait for God to answer your prayers, you wait for love to find you and you wait for someone you really need to knock the door of your house. But then it never happen, may be its also because you are not sure of what you are waiting for and things you are waiting for pass you buy without you noticing… maybe its because you entertain the thought that you might be entitled to more happiness in the future by forgoing all of it now.

Waiting is never easy, it gets harder every day I wake up and every day I go to bed I lie awake wondering how long do I have to wait? What am I waiting for anyway? I am waiting for my life to begin, my story to start unfolding. It is something that I have been waiting for my whole life. Sometimes in my dreams am one step away or sometimes I see the story unfolding right in front of me and then the morning comes and I hit the reality.

For some reasons since the departure of the son of retired general I have been waiting for something to happen to me. Something that will make me happy, put that smile back on my face, something that will make me forget, something to help move on and other times I have been waiting for him. I know, I know it sounds crazy as to why I should be waiting for someone who has already made a choice of what was important in his life?? which is not me by the way; but he was the important thing to me. I don't know how to live without him, I try, I swear I try  to do everything that used to make me happy and even find new hobbies, do different things in a different way but I never works….. Nothing is fun without him.

Trying to forget has not been easy either, in fact it is just as hard as remembering, it’s exhausting trying to ignore the memories if your mind keep reminding of your losses and every way that you could lose in the future, it is so much torture trying to forget what your heart used to enjoy. I tell myself that once I can convince myself that I have forgotten then it will all be safely secured in the past, but the fact that until now I have not been able to convince myself that that proves that it is not forgotten and it is not in the past but in the present and probably the future.

Dear diary I am fully away that it is by living that you live more and by waiting you wait more. I know for sure every day of waiting makes my life little less, every lonely day makes me little smaller, and every day I my life on hold makes me less capable of living it. I know waiting is wastage of lime life and energy. And I know you are wondering why even with this knowledge I still wait. I don’t know why I wait; but I think this it is what they call hope or faith in religious books.

Some people will say am not brave enough, that am not strong enough, may be am not. But I hope some day after I have managed to come out of this suffering, of this loss, after I have found my way out of these depths I will be strong again and I will have nothing to fear.