Confusion galore

I could have chosen a much more different path; a path trodden by a few with great significance. From my childhood days, it never occurred to me that I could possess anything special, something that could be of value to people, and something that could accord me that special treatment. In my subconscious mind back then, I was aloof; sometimes disillusioned and damn you me shy to the hilt! My own solitary world was my idea of a perfect life. I loved being a spectator, watching from afar but amassing as much knowledge as I could. I admired people least admired by many, loathed individuals who were demigods to many and played indifferent to many a situation.

I can’t quite fathom why this outlook on life and people in general satisfied my curiosity. I derived pleasure from being the odd one out. I loved the thrill of watching girls trying to impress their equally confused boyfriends. I was quite the peculiar kid, graduating into a confused teenager and into a level headed adult. It was never about me, I never dressed to impress, I never went to the movies, I loathed idle chatter, and social interactions were not my domain. I loved listening to music (any kind of music), loved reading a lot, was poor in athletics, tried my hand in football and eventually gave up on outdoor activities to concentrate on my books.

Dear diary, I know you must be quite confused by now. Wondering where am heading with this. Whether I am in my right frame of mind or under the influence of tequila. On the contrary, am in my right frame of mind only that I haven’t stopped thinking aloud as has become characteristics of me for many years. When I look at myself in the mirror, I can’t help but notice that fantasy boy has undergone quite a metamorphosis over the years. Am not the boy I was a few years ago. My priorities have changed immensely. The only consistent thing in my life right now is that I have supported one football team for 15 years.

I have been in love before, been hurt, been sad, sometimes mad but I don’t really bare any scars associated with love. Quite frankly, I think they lie when they say there are scars. I also think they lie when they say that there is such a thing as being heartbroken. To me it’s an illusion that has been successfully perpetuated over the generations. People no longer differentiate the difference between love, infatuation and lust. In my opinion, cosmetics have taken supreme over the matters of the heart. In the final analysis, let it not be said that fantasy boy never loved. I did, and I loved every single aspect of it. But if you asked me, that’s as far or better as it gets.

I hate being at crossroads, I hate people who take advantage of others, I hate being cornered, and yeah I hate being broke! I have been at loggerheads with my conscience for some time now. Trying to understand the scope and outlook of my life vis-à-vis the people I care about in my life. On the outside, I seem to be quite the guy; a great job, great family and a few handful friends I can rely on at any time. I occasionally go on a drinking spree, occasionally have that chit chat with erstwhile acquaintances, and draw inspiration from men and women I admire but fail miserably when it comes to making a picture perfect scenario of my life.

It’s like am trying so hard to be that guy of the 1990s, always looking at that closed door and failing to take notice of the one open before me. I want to do so many things at the same time. My one single weakness is that I trust people easily, am easy to convince, easy to hurt, easy to swindle and all that. But am also quite the hateful guy especially when you give me a reason to. I value the virtues of honesty, friendship, loyalty and love. I hate hypocrites; I don’t have a particular preference of my ideal woman. Surprisingly, am more concerned on the intellectual aspect rather than the superficial.

In as much as everything has a sale by date, am of the belief that intelligence is forever and unique in some way. You cannot transfer it but can use it positively to change the lives of many people. Now I don’t know why am quite confused today dear diary. Am neither here nor there. I lack the coherence am known for. It’s like I have no sense of purpose, lacks direction and aloof maybe. It happens every once in a while. It’s something that many can identify with only that they never know when it’s happening. This conversation is testimony of how confused a person can be. Well I don’t have any apologies to that effect! A little here and there is sometimes what a person needs to make their point. As of now, it would be better if I took a rest, clear my head maybe and hopefully engage you in a more coherent way tomorrow. Until then, I rest my case!

Reflections....

Dear diary,

Am here again, finally I have gathered some strength to continue with what I started the other day. Have you ever wondered how easy it is for things to change? Sometimes I wonder how easy it is to start off down the road you are used to and you end up somewhere different, somewhere you didn't expect to be. At times you may wonder how you end up in an awkward situation even though you did everything like the way you used to, but the truth is even though you are used to walking down the same road every day just one wrong step today, just one pause, one minute delay you end up with a completely new life, you might end up with good friends, good reputation a soul mate or a love gone wrong.

Yeah I know you are wondering what I am talking about.. well the truth is  since the last time I talked to you , I have been trying to replay the night he announced he had to leave, I play different scenarios in my head, different turning of events..different possibilities… wondering how things would have turned out that night if I didn't tell the son of the retired general that it was okay for him to choose his dreams over us, if for some reasons I would have asked him to stay maybe he would still be here, maybe we would have been happier together than how we are now. I have always been a believer of setting things free, some of them did come back but most of them didn't, now that I replay all the scenarios I think I should have fought for what we had, I relied too much on fate not knowing it can be cruel sometimes.

They say hope keeps us alive, even when you are dead.  I think I have been dying every day since his departure but I still hope we can survive this. It’s a tough challenge; I have to fight to get through every day. A lot of people don't understand me, the wonder why don't I let go and be happy with someone else. They wonder why I choose to have such a weird kind of relationship with someone who is probably enjoying his life with someone else somewhere. But the truth is if you have never experienced this kind of love you will never understand. It is something that is not easy to explain it is not black and white. It is not the matter of loving or hating is something like hating how you love someone.

It is weird how I sometimes fall even deeper in his absence, how I smile to myself when I remember all those crazy moments we had, how my hearts jumps with joy when I listen to all the voice mails he sent me back then, when I go though our old chats and emails we exchanged. I remember there are these nights where we would sit lie on the grass watching the stars, neither of us would say anything…it’s like there was this unique of communication between us, a connection so real some kind of an understanding that goes deeper than words could ever explain it.

Dear diary, I know you are wondering what all this feels like now that he is far away, what I can tell you is it is not easy, it's sometimes painful, well a lot of times it hurts to know that you might never be able to love the one person who makes you a better person in a physical way. To know all you are left with is the memories of what could have happened, what could have been if the circumstances were changed. Perhaps we could have been so much happier and better. But its like fate had different plans for us, like there is something immutable, an immovable destiny we cannot alter no matter how hard we try to bend it to our favor it doesn't seem to work.

There are times when I get this feeling, am not sure if its loneliness or emptiness. It’s the kind of the helplessness feeling  you get when everything you are used to has been ripped away from you. Like there is no reason to live anymore, like there is no reason to wake up and no reason to have fun. By the way if you think this is the way it all how it ends you are very wrong, I have a plan to bring him back…. I will tell you about it once it materializes.

The other side...

Dear diary

I know you have been waiting desperately for me to finish my story and here I am to finish it, to tell you about the other side of the story. There is something I want you to know; falling in love is very real. I used to shake my head when people say they were madly in love, or when they dream of finding their soul mates, I never believed in the idea of soul mates. I would look at my friends who claim to be in love and I would wonder how delusional they are.  I never understood what in the world made people believe in some supernatural idea that was obviously not intended for human beings but did sound so pretty in the poetry books and very attractive in those romantic movies. Then I met the son of the retired general and I was converted, I become delusional too.

Winds of destiny blow when we least expect them to. Sometimes they gust with fury of a hurricane and sometimes they barely fan ones cheek and for sure they do lead us to the future that is impossible to ignore. To me destiny led me to the son of the retired general; there was no way I could ignore his presence in my life even though he was the forbidden fruit (well we both were). I had told him I was married (it was my way of keeping men away, preventing my heart from being broken over and over again) and he told me he was married too. Knowing that he was married made him one of those fruits that were unfit for human consumption yet I could not stop myself from salivating every time I saw him. I wanted him so badly; I would miss him all the time. But I thought of his wife and i made a decision to keep my feelings to myself, I was not going to tell him. I will not ruin his marriage just so that I can satisfy my desires. My fate was sealed and I was going to die with my pain silently.

I was successful in keeping my feeling to myself until I could not do it anymore. I knew we had a deep connection between us. The connection that goes beyond physical attraction, I began to shiver at the feeling. I was scared of how strong it was and the thought of him being married didn’t help. I tried to convince myself that it will pass, convince myself that is was okay for us to be just friends  but it was a lie. I wanted more than just friendship, my world had turned upside down and I was in love with someone who spends night hugging another woman, someone who might never love me. Even though  I knew I was about to break one of the major rules I had set to myself I made up my mind, for the first time in the history of my life I was going to tell a man that I loved him.. That I was in love with him.. That I was not married and I wish we could grow old together. Before you start rolling eyes I was not going to break his marriage that was not the plan, I was not going to ask him to cheat on his wife; I just wanted him to know; somehow I thought it will make me feel better.

We met in our usual place that day and before he said anything that would make me change my mind I told him everything and how I felt. He just told me..”that is a big thing to say”. And I knew those words would haunt me forever. I changed the topic like it did not matter but my subconscious would not stop nagging me with “I told you so”. This was supposed to lift the weight off my shoulders right? But then it didn't, it added more weight; with time I began to be jealous. I became of jealous his wife, of his friends, I became jealous of people who lived in the same house with him. I remember there are days that I used be so angry at myself wondering why on earth did I fall for someone who was unavailable. And my subconscious would always be there with its bitchy attitude and her big eyes saying something like, “ I would  have welcomed to the wonderful world of jealousy, where splitting headache, a nearly irresistible urge to commit murder and inferiority complex become your everyday companion but then you already know this world” seriously it’s like it had been taking those bitchy pills.

This went on for so long, until I seriously consider disappearing to the unknown land. Just when I was considering doing so then he told me, he did love me. He said he was not married, he had never been married and just like me that was his way of keeping women away..what kind of a single man keeps women away? I asked “the kind of man who is married to his work and a bottle of tequila” he replied with a smile on his face. I did not care how long he took before he admitted that he had been harboring these feelings, I was just happy he did. Since then we were inseparable. He became part of me...

Dear diary, I have come to know that destiny can hurt people as much as it can bless them, as I was enjoying my blessings I closed my eyes to the feeling and when I opened them he had to leave. I still remember clearly the night he announced he had to leave, I knew right there and then this was going to be the worst night in the history of my love life, it will be the night that would prove to me that nothing lasts forever, it was going to be the night that would remind me that love is not powerful enough to change destiny, it would be the night that would remind me that love does end.

Ever since we made a decision to be together we had gone through disappointing, confusing, loving, shocking, encouraging and so many romantic moments. But I didn’t know if we could survive long distance relationship with limited communication for unknown time. I knew our bound could not withstand this challenge. I told him I was happy for him and I wanted him to chase his dreams, but I was not happy for us... I guess I just wanted to believe in the theory of letting go. The theory that says “ if you love something you have to set it free, if it comes back its yours, if it doesn't then it was never meant to be yours.” Looking back I wish I would have asked him to stay, I should have begged him to stay may be. But I didn't until it was too painful, until I realised the scars were never going to heal and he might not be back only then did I get the courage to ask him to choose us.

I would have loved to continue with whatever this is, but tears have threatened to return. Suddenly I feel dizzy like am having a panic attack, I hope you won't mind if I stop here and take few deep breaths to calm myself down. See you next time.

Flashback...

Dear diary,

Two years ago I was just like any other broken girl who is trying to keep her misery to herself. I would appear strong, confident, happy, contented and chatty sometimes. But the truth is I would spend most of my nights crying, most of my evenings watching movies that will take my mind off my miseries for a while, I spent most of my days laughing at the jokes that I didn't find funny, saying things that I did not mean, meaning things that I never said… because at the end I just wanted to fit in, I wanted to belong somewhere. After all that was what everybody is trying to do: to fit in, one way or another we are at some point desperately trying to pretend we are all the same while the truth is we are never the same. Each and every one of us is different in their own unique way.

Like all the lonely people I had so many friends, I thought somehow surrounding myself with a lot of friends will make me feel less lonely. And yeah it did work, only that my loneliness would catch up to me every time I was alone. One day as I was trying to get through the day, I came across a long time friend who introduced me to a friend of hers. Until that day I had not known that a complete stranger could have the capacity to alter the life of another irrevocably neither did I know that was going to be my turning point.  I have not been able to answer a question on how I and this stranger connected effortlessly considering that am not a people’s person. Just after being introduced me and Mr. Stranger started talking effortlessly about issues, and when I say issues I mean things that could make this world a better place. There were no questions of how old are you or do you have a girlfriend kind of questions.

As time went by me and Mr. Stranger would spend not only days but nights as well, we would discuss everything and anything that was on the table on each particular day. We would talk about business, politics, religions, languages and books that we had exchanged. Sometimes we would talk about our personal lives, share our hopes for the future, dreams that might never come true, goals that were never achieved and even the disappointments that life had thrown in our way. He was so easy to talk to; I could tell him everything, even the things I had sworn not to tell anyone…. He became my companion, a shoulder to cry on, I didn't have to be alone anymore. I think somewhere along these lines I fell in love with him, I don't remember when and how it happened.  But it did happen, I didn't tell anyone not even him because I was not sure if I was in love with him or if I was in love with the feeling I get when I am with him (does it make a difference anyway?).

 They say love is our true destiny. We do not find the meaning of life by ourselves, we find it with another. For me I found the meaning to my life with this stranger who was no other but the son of the retired general, I was used to me on my own, dwell in my miseries, I was used to bad things happening to me. But somehow the son of the retired general made things seem so easy, there are times when I could doubt everything, there are nights that I would call everything into question wondering if it was real or not. There are times when I would worry sick that I have lost myself and I didn't  know how to get out. I would worry about all that control I had lost over me, I had become so inseparable from being with him that if we were to be separate I would no longer be. I never wanted to depend on someone that much, and there I was… I couldn't even spend a day without him.

Dear diary, you may fall in love with a number of people or think you have. But there is only one person that could change everything. I cannot say I have not been in love before because I like to think I have, but the love I felt (and still feel) for son of the retired general is different. They say when we love we strive to be better than we are; it is true, he made me better person, he gave me a purpose, a reason to look forward to tomorrow. Life is filled with unanswered questions; for those who have lost hope, the courage to seek those answers is the one thing that continues to give meaning to life. I had spent my entire life wallowing in despair, trying to find answers to many unanswered questions, wondering why I was led towards the road strewn with pain but all this changed when the son of the retired general walked in my life; I began to be grateful that I was strong enough to survive everything I had been through. I stopped searching for answers, I stated to enjoy life.

Every story have two sides… this was just part of the first side I will tell you more when I see you next time. Bye!!

Dirty dancer

Dear diary,

Years ago after I broke up with one of my childhood friends who later turned into a hopeless lover, I had made up my mind. I wasn't going to have any serious relationship anytime soon. I was finally coming to terms with the cold truth that price charming might not exist. Every girl is waiting for a prince charming on a white horse... but the sad truth is most of us end up with only a horse and no prince. I was not going to be every girl, I was going to be a different kind of girl, I was going to have fun.. fun ..fun and more fun. Well I wasn't planning to be single if that what you are thinking, I was going to have relationships with no strings attached as I wait for my prince charming (if he will ever arrive anyway). All I wanted at that time was to go out with someone different, do something different even if it was not magical or wonderful thing.  I wanted to be with different people who would introduce me to all kinds of new things.....  new experiences.

So I started dating guys... who knew dating could be so much fun? I went out on so many dates that I cannot even recall the number. During that time it appeared to me that it was so hard to find a decent guy in this world and by decent I mean a guy that would be worthwhile. You see, on almost every date I went to, a guy would be so great in the beginning, it could even tempt me to plan the second and the third date with the same guy but when I scratched a little dipper, I will find nothing.....they were empty to the core. To be honest there were few guys that proved to be quite the opposite, they were resourceful while there are those who had few things they had learned by accident and had no interest of improving their knowledge.

Okay, I will not tell you about all the dates that I went to, but about one crazy night. On that night my date took me to a restaurant for dinner. It was one of those classic restaurants that I had always dreamed of. We ate as we were chatting about this and that. Even though it was clear we had completely different interests, we had one thing in common. It was our love for music. So we thought before we start to enjoying our differences it would be wise if we were be bound by our similarities first, we went to a nightclub to enjoy our similarities. I never knew same could be so much different until that day; his idea of enjoying music was to sit a club stool drinking beer while listening to music while my idea of enjoying music was to dance and dance until I could not dance anymore. So we sat there, me with my Del monte to quencher my thirst, he was taking a sip of his Serengeti beer while listening to music.

He was enjoying himself but I was getting bored. After one hour that seemed like forever he had to answer the call of nature and that is when everything changed. Apparently while I was sitting there getting bored someone on the other side of the club had spotted me and he wouldn't let the golden opportunity go to waste. He came to me the moment my date has disappeared to the men’s room and asked me for a dance, I hesitated and he leaned forward and whispered in my ear, “I know you’re bored, I want to give you the night you deserve, but in order to do that need you to trust me”. As much as I cared about my date I was not going to be a slave to fate, at least not that night. I took his hand and he led me to the dancing floor.

Dear diary, I could have refused but he was so nice, he had the hottest looks, he had a good smell,and how he whispered those words...oooh who could resist that?? I know you are wondering who this guy is. If you must know he was no other than Mr. DJ, the DJ of that club. As I was heading to the floor I kept telling myself, it doesn't matter if am going to be off the beat, it won’t matter if am going to look like a goon when am dancing, am just going to dance and have fun. Before I knew it the most boring night had miraculously turned into to unforgettable night I was on the dance floor dancing naughty with Mr. DJ, his strong hands around my waist. I could hear my inner goddess saying..” if it is the dirty element that gives you pleasure then the dirtier it is the more pleasure it is bound to be. Mmmmh it was getting hot on the dancing floor... Mr DJ was such a good dancer....he whispered on my ears one more time “I want to take you away”.. Ooh my!!! I told him I was there with a date but deep down I was screaming “take me, take me”. They say men have sex the way they dance and how he danced it made me think of all those forbidden thoughts.

At the end of the night I went to find my date, apparently he had left. He was offended by the kind of dance I pulled out with Mr.DJ. Suddenly I felt like the way Cinderella might have felt if she hadn't had that convenient midnight curfew.  I was so tired, my feet were hurting, my hair was a mess, may make up was getting smudged from sweat. I was mad at my date for leaving without even saying good bye...(what a jerk). I took a taxi and went home all alone, the next day I recalled the events of the previous night and smiled to myself.. A part of me wanted to go back to that club It needed more of such crazy nights but the other part thought Mr. DJ was a bad news.

I went there every weekend after that night and every time we would have one of those dirty dancing that would take my breath away. But once the weekend was over I would promise myself not to go back to that club, I would promise not see him again. And then another weekend would come and my inner goddess would tell me its rude to leave without saying goodbye, I would oblige dress up for the last dance. But along with every last dance always came a new reason to delay that goodbye, new experience, new music to dance to, new tricks..... I knew I was making excuse to myself but there was no one to reproach me, so I figured it was okay. This went on until one day I went to that club and never saw him again!! He was gone, he didn't say goodbye, he never left a message.... it’s as if I never existed. Even though I knew it was bound to happen, I was hurt. To date my dances with Mr. DJ put a smile on my face, I have never forgotten how I loved being on that dancing floor with him. It was the best feeling ever.... and that is how everything ended , i never saw him again, i never said goodbye. ....!! ciao

living a lie..

Dear diary,

Do you ever wonder if all lies eventually lead to the truth? Well it hadn't crossed my mind until yesterday when Anna (my friend) knocked my door asking me a weird question which went like “what I would do if a guy told you he was head over hills in love with you and would do anything to be with you??” She asked.. “well that sound like my old love story only that he did not do everything to be with me, they never do anyway unless is in TV or a novel, just tell me whats up already” I yelled because I was getting tired of her old games, ever since my one and only left she has been trying to fix my love life. I know she means well but am just not ready. “Okay... your ex wants you back...” stop right there I interrupted, there is a reason he is called an ex, and for that same reason he can neither be the present nor the future. “Seriously, saying No to Jeremy (not his real name) is like turning Brad Pitt down for a date.. I mean who does that? ”she continued... stop it Anna he is an ex and that is what he is, nothing more nothing less

Later at night I went to bed early, she had just opened up my wounds and she didn't even know it.  Where I come from, for a girl of my age to be single and alone is a shame. I guess I wanted to dodge my depressions, lie to myself that I wasn't so lonely and depressed, hide myself in my sleep  woke up a little older and maybe more used. I could hear my inner voice screaming to the top of its voice telling me “you have to keep moving”. Moving to where?? I switched off the light closing my eyes; I didn't want to let my brain catch up with my thoughts. But then the flashbacks of my previous relationships started flowing in my mind. I began to think about my previous relationships and how they all ended just like that.

How it is so easy to disown what you don’t recognize anymore, to keep away from everything that is foreign and unsettling is something that happens almost automatically. We are incomplete and are always searching for that one special person to complete us. Every relationship we begin feel so complete, different and unique in some way and then after few months or years we begin to realize we are still incomplete somehow. Wondering where the wonderful feeling we had before had disappeared to, and if we will ever find it again. At time we might find ourselves blaming our partners, may be break up the relationship and start another one with someone more promising and the cycle goes on and on. I have been in this cycle for as long as I can remember, sometime I think I might never find my right wrong person.

Dear diary, my relationship with Jeremy had lasted for so long that I even forgot what it felt like to be single and alone. Yeah it did last that long, but not because he was a good guy, it’s just because I loved him too much that I became blind of the obvious things. I remember one Valentine’s Day when he came home so late and drunk and he gave me flowers with no card, I remember when he started spending so many hours on the phone, when he started to ignore my presence. I knew something wasn't right but I dismissed the thought immediately every time it came to me. May be is because I was afraid to be alone or may be it because it is so difficult to leave a long term relationship and start all over again even when your inner wisdom tell us it’s time to let go. I could have left long ago, but instead I choose to suffer a low grade pain that slowly eat my heart and soul like an emotional cancer. I don’t know why it took me so long to come to my senses.

The cancer ate me up until one day I realized I was buried up in a dysfunction relationship, I tried to convince myself otherwise, but then I looked at him and all the doubtful moments flushed right in front of me. On that day I knew I was not in love with him anymore, I had not been in love with him for a long time, I was in love with not being on my own, may be I was in love with the feeling of having someone there at the end of the day but not him.  So I told him I wanted out, he was surprised, he didn't expect it, he asked me what was wrong and why I had thought that breaking up was the solution. I told him it wasn't a thought... it was a feeling, a survival instinct may be.. Just like when you feel you can’t breathe and you know you need to get some air. I asked him if he was happy with us and he said he wasn't  I asked if he missed me when he was away he said he didn't  And I knew I should have ended it sooner. I knew I had been lying to myself for so long....I have been living a lie and it never became my life.

Jeremy was a good guy (i hope he still is), he has everything that any girl would want her man to have, but just somehow the distance between us kept growing  we could be in one bed but miles apart. no one killed what we had, it just bled to death just like that and that is why there was never going to be us again. It has been said that with every love you have, and every break up you go through a little piece of our hearts is left behind after the cleaving. Looking back at how many times I have been broken I even doubt if I have a heart anymore, all the pieces of me are somewhere with people.... but that is a good thing because some day I will revenge for all the pain, and I wont feel a thing since I don't have a heart. keep this to your self though  I wouldn't want you to ruin my revenge party. see you next time......!!

Modern slavery

Dear diary,

If one believes that words are acts then one should hold writers responsible for what they write. But then words are not acts, a lot of people misuse the words, they say what they don’t mean and they mean what they don’t say. There are those who use words to bend you to do what they want you to do. To make you their slaves, others make you sign a lot of papers to ensure you work as they want you to... stepping on your rights with everything they got just because they could hold you by the rules they bent to serve their interests.

Education is the key of life, it holds your future... it is the best thing you can acquire from your parent. We all at some point have heard such phrases when we were growing up. They gave us purpose to go to school hoping for the better future. When at school we strive to be the best, studying so hard with a hope of having a better future. I personally have spent more than half of my life getting the so called education hoping for the best in the future; but now I know getting education is a bit like a communicable sexual disease, it makes everyone who participates in it unsuitable for a lot of jobs forcing you to become a slave of one profession.

A better future is all we hope for when we go through a lot of books and exams that to prove we deserve it. We deserve a better place, a better job and a better salary; little do we know that we are trained to become modern slaves. We complete our education and start searching for employments, listing all our talents and skills and then we get employed somewhere. On that day you become happy thinking we have landed a golden cow, you sign a contract agreement (sometimes we don't even read it) hoping it will work in your favor  but the moment you do that you sell your freedom and you are locked in a cage of laws and rules made by your employer. We become modern slaves bound by contracts instead of chains forced to work to please our employers just like our forefathers.

Dear diary, I want you to deliver this message to one of my best friends who has hit crossroads, wondering if his carrier will lead him to be who he wants to be. I want you to make sure he gets it. Tell him that life plans are not always tied up in neat little packages. Maybe it’s because there are people in it who have domineering personalities, people who will use words or contracts to make sure they bend him to do what they want him to do. They are predators who prey on gentleness, peace, calmness, sweetness and any positivity that they sniff out as weakness. They will befriend him, give him favors  show him kindness and even praise him if he fit the description of what they think is weak and they can control. It makes them feel strong and important. But he is not weak, he is the strongest person I know and he should not let anyone no matter who s/he is to force him into something he does not want to become.

We all at some point meet such kind of people, but it is not them who matters but how we free ourselves from them. Freeing our selves is never easy, and in attempt to get the freedom we desire we might we find ourselves at unexpected crossroads with more than one opportunity to choose, sometime it can mean choosing which group of people to disappoint. These choices may be unbelievable hard but they are never impossible. He does not have to do what he does not want. No one has to make him a modern slave, no one has to tell you when or where to spend your holiday. I want him to know in the space between YES and NO there is a lifetime. It is the difference between the path he walks and the one he live behind; it’s the gap between whom he thought he could be and who he really is; it is a legroom for lies and excuses that he will tell him self in the future. May be he will say he had no choice. But he has a choice, there is always a choice, and it’s never too late to make the right choice...... and that's it for today!!

Poverty....the root of all evil

Dear diary,

I remember one desolate Friday night when Jihad broke between two of my friends who were married for three years. John and Jennifer, I would often refer to them as the “Johns”. They fell in love so hard that it became impossible for their parents to separate them; in just two years of their relationship Jennifer announced she was pregnant. It was one of those good news bad news situation because not only were they too young and in school but they also came from strong opposing tribes that did not allow intermarriage between them.  “I will marry you no matter what the situation is” said John. He wasn't ready neither was Jennifer, but they knew they could overcome anything together. Two months later they were married, Jennifer had to drop out of school since the teachers wouldn't allow a pregnant girl in school while John had to find means of earning an income for his new family. Luckily he secured a job in one of the best paying companies as an office clerk.

I know you are wondering what could cause hell to break out between two people who were perfect for each other.  On that night as many of our Friday nights I would go to their house for a movie as we talk about this and that. Everything was good until Mrs Boss (the wife of John’s boss) knocked the door. She had found several intimate messages exchanged between her hubby and Jennifer. She wasn't there to make peace she was there for blood. For the first time I saw the look on John's eyes that I could not describe. After I managed to get Mrs Boss out of the house I could feel the tension in the air... I knew I could not leave Jennifer all alone in this messy situation (she had told me everything already).

How could you?? Said John, five years of honoring and treating you like a queen I thought you were but you were just a whore, how could you cheated on me, on us? How could you reduce everything I have worked so hard to build into a word cheating? This is not a game, it is not trial and error it is our marriage, our lives and our son’s. You just didn't care and broke everything, I sacrificed everything I had to be with you Jennifer, I gave up my family for you “He roared”.  Jennifer was sobbing, trying to alter the words " am sorry" .. Is there anything I need to get tested for? he asked as he was heading towards the door and disappeared to the unknown place. I felt bad for her, not because she had a right to cheat on him but because I could understand her reasons and he wouldn't even give her a chance to hear her side of story.

Okay before you start giving me you're-a- whore-too look allow me to tell you her side of story. Four months after Jessie was born, Jennifer had gone to John’s office to pick up some cash for groceries. On that day she bumped into Mr Boss (Johns boss), after he introduced his self he asked for her cell number, she denied his request and left the building. She never told John because she didn't think it would matter, after all it’s not like she was going to see him on regular basis. Two months later John was involved in a Fatal accident, was in a coma for weeks, his relatives wouldn't help him because they disowned him the moment he chose Jennifer over them. Jennifer’s relatives wouldn't help her because she had brought shame upon her family for getting pregnant and dropping out of school. She had a son who was only six months and no help from any corner except for me.

As if all this was not enough Mr boss dropped to the hospital telling Jennifer the company had decided to terminate John services since they had someone else who was more qualified than him. She looked at his dying husband and then their son who had no idea what was happening to his father, she knew she had to do something raising Jessie on her own was not an option.Jennifer dropped to her knees asking him to spare John.  Mr Boss agreed to spare John and to help with the hospital bills on one condition; that he gets to have her body every now and then. And that is how it all started. A month and a half later John was out of the hospital and back to his old job.

On that weekend Jennifer came to my house telling me how her guilty conscious was killing her, she had never lied to John before and now that she had, she did not know how to stop. After she had explained everything to me I knew she was doomed if she told John and she was doomed if she didn't  When it comes to cheating women are their own self enemies with guilt as their main weapon of self torture. I could understand her reasons for doing what she did. She loved John more than anything may be more than she loved herself, he was her life. She wanted so much with John and it wasn't easy to let him go, she thought of their son Jessie, how important it was for him to have John as his role model. But her mistake was to think that there was antidote to the uncertainty. I told her cheating on John will never get easier, it something she had to live with, but I wanted her to remember; the day she made that wicked deal is the day that she gave John another chance to life, a chance to see his son turn into a man and most of all she gave Jessie a chance to know his father.

Dear diary, there are those who say cheating and lying are not struggles, they are reasons to break up... but what about death?? Doesn't it break you up? Wouldn't you do anything to serve the life of someone that you truly loved? Wouldn't you give anything to see them one more day? Some will say those who cheat on their partners who are loyal to them don't deserve them, that it is a trashy attitude to disrespect a person who is loyal to you. But what if it’s the love you have for your partner that made you cheat?

A lot of people look at Jennifer as a traitor, phony and may be fake. But I know she was a hypocrite with the best intentions, and may be I would have done the same thing if I was in her shoes. Cheating does not necessarily mean you don't love your partner, sometimes is means you love him too much and you could give up everything you had if it would mean seeing him alive and happy. And that’s a sad story that happened to my dear and lovely friends Jennifer and John. Ciao!!

Nostalgic Memories

I still recollect that day like it happened yesterday. While the events leading to it were quite unexpected, I can’t help the feeling that it was truly magical. It’s the kind of stuff that movies are made of, the kind that escapes logic and truly amazing. You probably are wondering what am talking about, intuitively wondering what this fantasy boy is alluding to. Allow me to bring you up to speed. About two years ago, I had an interesting encounter in the most hopeless of places. I have always used social media as an avenue to bring out the other side of mine-the side that people close to me rarely know about. I get controversial, cross lines that I would ordinarily not cross, engage in cat fights for the sake of it (pun not intended), brain storm with a few intellectual friends of mine, bring out the mischievous side of me among many others.

It’s my way of breaking the monotony of boredom and reaching out. For a long time, this had become my past time favorite activity, something I did to pass time when office work became a routine or rather when I just wanted to shut everything in my life out. As fate would have it, I accepted a friend request from a woman I rarely or rather barely knew. In my wildest of dreams, it didn’t occur to me that the act would change the scope, the direction and the general outlook of my life forever. Looking back, I can’t help but nod my head in agreement at how “sic” the whole thing was. Gradually, we began to engage with this miss FW (yeah I would call her that dear diary) talking about virtually everything on earth.

We were cool friends, with our own individual problems, tribulations, harrowing experiences and above all fronting to the world a life both of us barely knew of. You probably are thinking “oh this is the ‘hi sexy, I find you hot’ kind of conversations” you are damn wrong! It was never about the looks, the physique, the allure of the smile, the tight dresses, fake make ups and all that kind of stuff. It was purely a match made from heaven (pun not intended). I was struck by her condor, her sense of charisma, her easy life approach, simplicity, and the fact that we shared a lot in common. To cut a long story short, one thing led to the other and before I knew it, she became a permanent feature in my life, a dependable partner, a friend, a companion, my confidant, my drug, my addiction.

I constantly looked forward to when we could talk, exchange ideas, knowledge, laugh away our tribulations, share experiences and basically update one another on what was happening in our lives. What I didn’t know was that I was fast drifting into the terrain of love. I found myself constantly lonely when she was away, I sat waiting for her, I was never disappointed, I loved her company, loved the way she talked to me, and how she made me a better person, a better man. Everything was perfect, complete and lovely. In as much as I downplayed the whole lovy dovy feeling, there was no denying my heart was beating for her. She was everything I ever wanted in a woman, everything I found irresistible. She had the brains, the intellect, the business acumen, the personality, the allure and the character to make my days bright.

Before I knew it, she became a permanent aspect of my life. She was not only my love but also my best friend. Everything was going on well until fate started conspiring against us (well I can’t think of a better explanation). Here i am, bemoaning all the lost opportunities, thinking over and over again wondering what would become of me. I am about to leave, to go to a faraway place, and start a new life albeit for a short while. As things are, I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me or us. I find myself wondering what it is I could have done differently, what it is held me or us back. Right now, the foreseeable future looks bleak. I can’t begin to fathom the risks of leaving her behind, I can’t gauge whether I will manage alone without her.

That I love her is not in doubt. I have severally stated the same. I can’t think of a time I felt so confident, felt so complete, and felt so elated. It’s like I have been reborn anew. All I think of is being with her. Could fate have dealt me a fatal blow? Nuh I refuse to accept that. Dear diary, I felt the need to pen my anguish today not because I find it exciting but because I cannot pent up the avalange of emotions boiling inside. Am alone, lonely, saddened and feeling dejected. I look outside the window and wonder if life is fair. For long, I rallied myself with the naysayers; the kind that advocate for what others before them did. I took solace in advancing the same principles but now am wiser.

I know that its cognizant I chart my own destiny, to make my own way, to advance my own principles.  In that wavelength, alluding that life is unfair to me would be cowardly, demeaning to say the least. I know that things have a reason as to why they happen. Yes, I admit am at a cross road but if am to come out victorious, then I need to hold my head above the water. I must live to fight another day and keep the fire burning. I refuse to let the happenings so far cloud my judgment! Miss FW is the woman I love and am going to do everything to keep it that way irrespective of the many challenges! I rest my case!